Anxiety + Depression Glued Together

[Chava]

More like the light version of panic...body symptoms of anxiety but no racing thoughts or worries. But also I feel really dull, absent, tired, totally joyless. Out of touch. Zombie. I can't even seem to force myself to smile at work, even though I like my job. It's like simultaneous buzzing low-level panic and depression. Usually they seem more separated (I think of sympathetic vs parasympathetic overdrive...I relate to not being in the middle a lot, but not so much feeling both of these extremes somehow together). Feels like Iv'e been punched in the head.

Exercise helps but I can't over-do it without tipping into fume-burning mode. I have a lot going on, a lot unresolved, questions of where I even have support or where I even want to be, feeling isolated but also not so able to add more activities or social engagements into my life right now...and I think I'm just plain sick of doing all the little regular things to take care of myself day to day (but I'll carry on anyway). I feel like I need a big change, like selling my house and leaving, but I can't afford a big change. I suppose it's just another variation of feeling trapped.

I just can't get in balance. Not sure what I'm asking for...if others relate to panic and depression felt together, ways to find balance. Or even how to accept slowing down without feeling so cut off from the world. I have some stuff I might be better off canceling but I'm just really sick of my isolated life. Sorry this is like twenty topics. I feel really mixed up and sick of my life. I've been making lots of small positive changes because I have to, but it's all exhausting. And things like a pack of cigs would help now but make life hell soon (like heart arrhythmia). I feel half dead, half in another world. I can't feel normal without all the false energy of coffee, cigs (no, nicorette isn't the same). I'm still talking...wtf..Going for a long walk.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava. I relate to you in so many ways. I have isolated for over 40 years and I doubt I have enough years left for a sea change. I try to make the best of a bad situation. This is in part due to the fact that I strive to be a positive role model for my children. Yeah, life seems like one long movement of trauma artifacts. Like there is nothing about me is not due to the effects of a tragic traumatic childhood with dashes of adult trauma on top of it all. I think it is vital to set a goal and work towards that. My new goal is to start a gentle yoga class at 12:15-1:30 on Mondays. It would mean giving up my beloved nap time. Plus what to do with Annie? I could take her to the pet sitter, but I can't be away from her that long. I get anxious just thinking about all day without her. Then I thought I can leave her at the office while I pop out for yoga.
I don't chat with the folks in my Tuesday yin class. Just so relaxed I don't want to wreck it with chit chat.
I was sick of my life for years so I always move and have fun renovating a dump. My new kitchen is looking mighty fine. Everything that belongs in the kitchen is piled in the living room. I feel like chaos is always embedded in my life plans.
I don't tell people about my PTSD. I feel totally separate from normal people. I don't join book clubs or gardening groups or a church (I'm practicing Buddhism). In other words, I avoid all social situations. I dissociate and I don't want to 'get caught'.
I bought a new guitar. I'm playing mostly in open tunings. That's a fun activity. I don't want anyone to come for coffee. I feel like my life is just a sham I am pulling off so no one sees my troubles.
It's a good day if I eat and sleep. I am so poor I can't go skiing or to a tropical beach for ten days. I feel trapped.

 

[Chava]

I don't tell people about my PTSD. I feel totally separate from normal people. I don't join book clubs or gardening groups or a church (I'm practicing Buddhism). In other words, I avoid all social situations. I dissociate and I don't want to 'get caught'.
I bought a new guitar. I'm playing mostly in open tunings. That's a fun activity. I don't want anyone to come for coffee. I feel like my life is just a sham I am pulling off so no one sees my troubles.

Interesting stuff here (your quote)....I don't tell others either...with those I've known a long time or trust somewhat, I'll clue them in on "edges" like my eating disorder so I can feel somewhat more real around them. I've had that sort of sham feeling too...or like I'm an imposter. I've felt like an imposter, like alien parents came to earth, forgot me or lost me, then packed up and beamed back into outer space. The not-belonging in my case feels a little like the shame of actually being here and not wanting to be caught feeling too comfortable or good about it. Probably the non-attachment thing and feeling like a small island unto myself within my family. I think it might relate to the life-death limbo because I had that alien feeling when really young after leaving the hospital...maybe earlier, but my working memory only goes back so far. I don't think I fully dissociate around others much (not that anyone gets close), but I do have a bubble and am probably afraid others will somehow find out I'm disconnected or somehow messed up, or this alien baby or whatever. I can almost feel the bubble, like it's dense. I don't know how to get around it. Too scary.

Glad you got a new guitar. I like artwork and can feel really content when connected to it. Lately it's all shit and I feel stupid and lost and alien again. It's important to have something that sustains joy and curiosity. I need more $ to feed my curiosity goals right now (classes, moving, whatever). Just stagnant feeling. Just want a nerd friend to laugh with but I've located myself in the middle of nowhere and am really confused about what part of me made this massive decision (error?). Thanks again for chiming in...feels less alone in the isolation trap..

Walk was nice but I don't feel good as soon as I stop moving. Tylenol and sedatives.

 

[Hope4Now]

Chava, I completely understand the mix of panic and depression. I get that quite often. I finally realized it comes from feeling trapped as I think you said too. It's an awful feeling, like one is replaying trauma on the inside rather than on the outside.

I have been trying to combat it by being conscious of where I can make choices in my life, and then consciously choosing. Little things really, like whether I want coffee or tea or something else at any given moment, what to wear, whether or not to attend an event, etc. I'm also doing "mindful" movement. Making conscious and active choices based on what I want (as opposed to what I have to do or feel obligated to do) is very difficult for me, but good.

So much of your posts resonate with me. The exhaustion, the feeling like a zombie, the feeling like an alien.

I could repeat all the strategies that you've read here before and that your therapist has probably told you too. Sleep. Exercise. Connect with other people. Meditate. Etc. etc. it's such a slog of daily practice. Wish there were some dramatic relief opportunity, but there doesn't seem to be.akes me want to have a tantrum :). My therapist reminds me all the time, "it's a practice." The "practice" can be so flippin' slow and lonely.

I hope you can treat yourself to some kind and gentle thoughts today.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Hope4Now for relating, though sorry for that. I always want a dramatic relief. I feel like my body is beating me up for all the years I was way numbed out or disconnected and I can't fix it fast enough, or it's like 2 steps forward, 2.5 steps back. I think I need an MRI on one pain area...see my doctor tomorrow. Just a mix of too much....the zombie + panic feeling is really uncomfortable. It was better today, but I think I'm done with the insane, "I'm all better today, right?!!!" thinking. It's just day by day. And the mindful stuff does help.

An odd but good thing I noticed today...even with all the stress, I no longer respond to it like a total idiot. I can really dislike how I'm feeling but do something really helpful or at least positive like make myself some super fresh green juice. That's really different. So, even with all the shit, it helps to notice in this very slow process what has changed over time. I have a different feeling towards myself and I'm no longer actively destroying myself.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am beginning to believe that what you said in your last two sentences above IS the healing. Just wish it could happen faster for all of us. Keep making that green juice! Good luck with your MRI. I've been there more than once!

 

[Chava]

I've made it through one MRI surprisingly well. I need to get clear with my doctor because she tends to see my complaints as mysterious and panic-like. True I'm somaticizer and sensations are also sort of haywire, but my last MRI did indicate a load of fluid build-up and no healing after physical therapy. So, I'd like to not waste my time on wrong approaches if right now I have loads of fluid or slipping discs. Physical medicine will order an MRI if I call that particular doctor because she knows the last one was a mess and I'm not always just feeling stuff too strongly!

Thanks...yes, probably this is what healing is like. But it hurts to feel all the pain too...part of the exhaustion and feeling "sick of it".