Anxiety? I Don't Think So. This Is How I Always Am!

[tphillips117]

After last week's success with my list of questions to my T, I'm back to feeling like crap again. To bad the high only lasted a week. I'm frustrated!

The five minute warning never came in therapy today. I was watching the clock too--but he said nothing. At least I didn't feel like I got kicked out, even though my session ended 5 minutes early. I guess he got sick of talking to me about how to curb my anxiety.

As I sat there and shook my head (while I thought to myself "boy doc, these suggestions sure are stupid and they won't work!"). Yeah, they might work for most people, but I'm not like most. On the way home I realized that what I think is anxiety, isn't. I've lived with that adrenaline rush of fear my entire life. What is an occassional symptom for some sufferers, has become a way of life for me--it's an ingrained part of who I am, much like my hair color or my height. It's permanent, and I've got to accept it.

And I also realized that I'm an addict. I am addicted to the flight/fight rush my body gets at any given situation. I need rehab--stat!

I know therapy has it's up and down's--but my disappointment, has me really down today. :(

 

[lighteningdarkness]

Hi TP
Sorry to hear your session today was frustrating. It's tough, how long have you been seeing him/her for?

Don't know about you but I need to feel in control and somehow think about how I want the session to be. Of course it never is and in the first few weeks this was difficult and felt frustrating

Your right about stress chemicals being addictive, also very damaging to your body :sick:

 

[BloomInWinter]

I remember those days!

It took me over a year to stop anxiously watching the clock.

I still do it sometimes. I'm so afraid of going over my time.

I also never knew how to socially dismiss myself from interactions with people. I tend to still 'take 'em hostage'...though I'm now able to be the first to say goodbye.

The DBT interpersonal skills training really helped me with this but it wasn't easy.

Hang in there. It is all a normal part of the therapeutic process.

Did anyone in your life ever abruptly 'abandon' you?

 

[tphillips117]

Thanks Light,

I've resigned myself to accepting that I have an anxiety problem. I have found that when I fight it, the symptoms are worse, more intense and last longer.

Could it be possible that anxiety could in fact be more friend than enemy? I thrive off adrenaline, I need it to function. I'm at my best, I'm pushed out of my comfort zone, I strive to do better in my day to day life when I'm high on flight or fight. My anxiety stems from trauma and PTSD which happened a long time ago. I don't recall when I wasn't like this. Sure, it's uncomfortable, and yes, I hate it sometimes. But is it worth fighting what I feel is a no win battle? Maybe it's better to feel high than feel like a failure.

 

[tphillips117]

Hi Bloomin,

Ah yes, the clock. This probably wouldn't be that big a deal, except last week I have a 90 minute session with an 8 question list of question/requests for my therapist to read and address--one of which was a 5 minute end of session warning request. Just one week later, and I guess he already forget to give it to me. Ugh. What else is he not listening to? Whatever. Therapy is starting to make me feel like a waste of my time and money. I'm on my last thread with that place.

And yes, I've had lots of people abandon me, including both my parents. Stupid life anyway. :(

 

[piratelady]

I am sorry to hear that he was still unable to give you the 5 minute warning you asked for. Will you bring it up again? I still wonder if perhaps a different therapist would be a better fit.

 

[lighteningdarkness]

I can see the use of a 5 minute warning and how you would feel when it was agreed and didn't happen. My experience is that the relationship with your T has to be really good and trusting. Jeez took me weeks to admit there was a trauma I needed to work on let alone what that was.

I would struggle to say something negative / challenging to her though - I think you should try an be honest about feeling let down (and whatever else he makes you feel) though.

I know what you mean about that adrenaline feeling good though :rolleyes: However what I have found is that, as fun and challenging and amazing as being able to juggle 100s of balls at a time is, when you drop one everything comes crashing down.

The highs are epic, as are what I've managed to achieve through the constant nagging fear and anxiety (for me the anxiety that nothing I do is ever good enough and nothing about me is ever good enough).

When I'm achieving, fantastic. But nothing can ever balance how I feel standing on the edge with a rope round my neck.

So, I'm trying to address the underlying trauma, currently only because I feel guilty for the people I'd hurt (which isn't a great sole reason for life but appears to be working currently).

I think you're really brave for admitting that the fight and flight feels good and can become who you are.

 

[tphillips117]

Thanks Light,

I can't believe how frustrated I am. I'm off for 5 weeks from therapy from July 11th through August 15th. I'm going to consider my options carefully between now and then. I might totally stop therapy, switch therapists or continue with the one I have if we can get this back on track. I'm confused so I'm not sure what's going to happen.

I know myself and I know what I need--it's just getting my therapist to meet my needs that's my problem. I'm not sure how else to spell it out.

 

[lighteningdarkness]

I think what you've said communicates what you mean very well.

I'm not at all sure that EDRM is good for me right now, we don't seem to have got the grounding or the safe place fully sorted. After my most recent session I was disassociated for hours.

Perhaps a break will be good for you? Give you some space to decide. Iwas angry earlier but now realise that's more about me wanting everything to be better.

 

[tphillips117]

Here is yet another letter I sent to my therapist today. This is the last ditch effort to save this. What do you think?


Dr. M,


Maybe this is inappropriate. Maybe this is “boundary crossing”. If it is, please forgive me. I'm not sure what else to do. This is the only thing that makes sense to me in the moment, so I'm going for it. If it's wrong than we can talk about it at our next session and I'll be sure to never to do this again.

I can't seem to get past the feeling that we're not on the same page. I feel really disconnected from you. I don't know what I want from this, but I do know for certain what I need from you. We talked about it last week. The first thing I asked for was a 5 minute warning, which never came in my last session. I need to feel like I can count on you for the small things to trust you with the bigger things. I keep wondering what I'm doing wrong in this relationship that's causing me to feel so empty.

Regardless of what I've accomplished in my life so far, there is this darkness that is pervasive in every smile, every laugh, every moment of happiness, every tear, and every moment of silence. Underneath it all, is a hatred; a hatred for myself. I am my harshest critic. I feel like I know everything and nothing about who I am. I'm scared, scared in a paranoid, terrified kind of way. After 5 months together, I feel like I should feel better, but I don't. I feel really stressed and I worry that you aren't able to help me. It is safe to say that maybe you can't?

When I'm in between sessions, I try to remember everything that you said and put it into practice in my life. I take therapy very seriously, maybe to seriously. I don't like to fail, so if something doesn't work out, I instantly go to that place in my head that says “forget it, you're not good at anything”. But I have a stubborn personality, I'm determined, and giving up is not an option. So to compensate, I always look at the bright side of every situation that refuses work out. So with that, I'm going to tell you that I'm not doing this week's homework. I don't think anxiety means the same thing for you and I. I imagine that you have a very “text book” definition and my anxiety is not like that. I live off adrenaline and it has allowed some great things to happen in my life. It's pushed me to be my best, it's forced me out of my comfort zone, to take risks, to make me listen more carefully to my 6th sense, it's allowed me to have experiences that I never would have went after otherwise. I've discovered that fight or flight has been more my friend than enemy. Is it uncomfortable sometimes? Yes, it is. And there are times when I hate it, but mostly, it's been good to me. I don't think I realized that until we talked about what to do to try and control it.

I'm in therapy for now, because it feels like the right thing to do, but to what end? I'm just not certain. I know you are human, fallible and not a magician. I know there is no magic cure, I understand that the only person who can facilitate change in my life is me. I find it extremely difficult to define what that is when I'm on the outside of my own life looking in. If I have to pinpoint exactly why I am in therapy, exactly what I need and why I need it, than therapy probably isn't for me. Because I don't know the answer to any of those questions. That's why I am coming to you, and yet I still feel hopeless and lost. I tried to convey that in my list of questions to you. I'm really frustrated. I have symptoms that I cannot control, I have a life that is like a 2 sided coin, drastically different at any given moment in time. I can do this on my own. I did it before I came to you, and I can do it just fine now. But I would rather have you as a supportive force in my life. There is something missing from the relationship that I have with you, and I don't yet know what it is, but we need to figure it out because I don't want to keep feeling this way. It's not fair and it's not right for either of us.

So again, I'm sorry if this is crossing a line. In a way that I thought the questions we talked about had to be asked, I feel as if this also had to be written. If that's wrong, I am so sorry. I certainly want to do my part in maintaining the therapeutic boundaries.

 

[lighteningdarkness]

Wow
That's very eloquent and clearly says what you need and what you don't think is working. It also includes an honest appraisal of how you function, which is great.

I hope that you can sit down and work through this letter with him and move forward together. It's tough trying to trust enough to share and feels pants when it doesn't feel like your therapist is getting it. Sending luck and hugs

 

[tphillips117]

This is the second time in two weeks where I have explicitly asked for what I needed. He's not hearing me... I hope this helps. It's my last attempt.