anxiety question... debilitating fear watching videos, doing research, finding links?

[Lalala]

Anyway, I'm just low-key wondering if this happens to anyone else, and also what this means.

So firstly, I'll say that I've had sexual trauma, and I've noticed I have some weird anxiety pattern that doesn't make that much sense. I've thought that maybe it ment that i was only 'placebo' wise traumatized: Essentially, I've never had a panic attack, extreme anxiety when it comes to reminders or anything like that (I'm more of the completely dead inside, I only see your hand movements (meaning i'm focused, like some adrenaline crazy monster, on killer hands) and everything else is a blur kind of person ).

The only times where I systematically feel scared shitless, I know this may sound weird, is when I'm about to watch a video, research something, or about to do an activity were there will be or could be mentions of anything linked. That's the only point where I feel automatic debilitating fear, but that's all. I'm pretty sure it's not because i'm scared of getting reactions. What do you think?

 

[Abstract]

Hi and welcome. It may help to first know if you have a diagnoses of PTSD or any other type of diagnoses. Or any other symptoms. Dreams?

 

[Lalala]

Hi and welcome. It may help to first know if you have a diagnoses of PTSD or any other type of diagnoses. Or any other symptoms. Dreams?

I have been diagnosed a few times with PTSD, and I do have symptoms. I think I have depression (because of it) but that's the only comorbid thing, im aware of. I'm guessing you'd like me to list of my symptoms, so I'll do it: nightmares (repeat of the things, or closely linked scenarios that are intense emotionally and awful), random heart pounding and constricted breathing, intrusive images and sensations, nearly unstopping baseline anxiety and tension (not really that intense, but it is enough to prevents me from enjoying life. I can never ever relax) or feeling very very numb and disconnected , frequent episodes of dissociation (typically quickly following most reexperiencing stuff), flashbacks (as in you feel it's happening right now, or about to happen, and you believe it (even if illogical), you feel intense emotions and react like it is), no pleasure at all (most of the time), constantly hypervigilant with any man and often pathologically dissociating to focus on their hands, and how close they are to me, and that kind of stuff, extreme startle response (if u startle me, i'll stay blocked there for a minute or so or even more), often if I happen to start thinking about it, i feel intense hurt, shame and I feel like I'm just an abused waste. I often also feel waves of intense anger, out of the blue. If I don't go in dead inside mode as in response to triggers, (which can include dissociation from my body), I either feel this weird emotion i felt during before I numbed out, anxiety, or intense sadness (borderline crying), I usually avoid any rminders like the plague, i dont want to talk about it. I've tried before, but the words wouldn't come out. I don't trust guys, and when I'm alone with one, I feel complete shi, and expect (really) the worst. Those were a few symptoms.

 

[Sanctuary]

Hello
I have CPTSD have had for 22 years. All of the symptoms you described I can relate too.
I still jump and scream when the postman comes into the garden. I ended up buying him chocolates and I think he is kind and has accepted that's just the way I am. No explanation needed.

I don't know how long ago your trauma was? But in the beginning, I was even too scared to show my feet, showered with a swimming costume on and could not be left alone in a room with any man. I would always be scanning the room for an escape plan.
I was lucky to find a kind boyfriend who waited 6 months for me. His kindness slowly helped me trust my instincts on people.
So, I'm trying to offer you HOPE that at some point with the right kind people around you, it will slowly get easier.

I get the tunnel vision too with male HANDS. Even when just going to pay for petrol at a garage.
I try to focus on the differences of the hand to find ways to see how they are fatter/ thinner, colour, shape, size. from the attackers.
It still freaks me, but I'm trying to give you ideas that may help.

I also can't have my personal space invaded. If I can feel someone standing behind me, I let them go in front so I can see them. That makes me feel safer.
It can make you feel very alone like no one else understands and most don't unless you've walked a similar path in trauma.
Every symptom you wrote, I get at some point or another. So trauma sister your not alone, you're not going crazy, its called
Post-traumatic stress disorder. That means you are a survivor.

As Winston Churchill said " If you're going through hell, keep going! "
Peace and love to you.