The anxiety is coloring everything in my life.
In October, I discovered that a violent abuser knows where I live. My residence was supposed to be a secret, and my partner and I have plans to leave the city and move elsewhere in the state. But those plans are temporarily on hiatus due to finances, and now I feel like a sitting duck. My last confrontation with this abuser was violent. He threatened to kill me. The police informed me, very matter-of-factly, that I was a liar who was wasting their time. The whole conflict was ugly from start to finish.
Now he knows where I live, and the police have already spurned me once. I have no legal standing to get a restraining order.
It took a long time to convince my partner that we needed to leave the city. When he finally agreed, I had just started a new job. I was there for less than six weeks before I got sick with the common cold and was out for three days. My employer fired me for 'excessive absences.'
I learned my abuser had discovered my absence while I was still working there, and I noticed the anxiety was disrupting my work. I hated leaving the apartment. I felt dread just walking down to the parking lot. I got twitchy and jumpy every time my extension rang--like it was him on the other end of the line.
(To be honest, I don't miss the job at all. It was a horrible job. I had somehow earned the ire of a violent co-worker and was thrown to the wolves by a dismissive supervisor. The rest of my co-workers knew what I was going through, but they were so relieved that they were no longer the target that they just stopped talking to me altogether.)
What concerns me is the anxiety. While I was still working, all I could think about was that abuser. Would he be waiting for me in the parking lot, as he has in the past? Will I come home to find him on my doorstep, as I have before? Will he break down my door, as he has before? What marks will he leave on me this time? What will he do to me this time?
Since I lost my job, we can no longer afford to move. I've been attempting to look at work-from-home options, but it's hard to find something that isn't a scam.
Without extra money, we can't move. As long as I feel unsafe, it's hard to commit myself to anything.
I'm afraid to leave my apartment alone. It's hard to work up the courage to go down to the mailbox or do a load of laundry at the laundromat. It's getting to the point where I'm too nervous to go anywhere alone. If I try, I break down in nervous tears before I get too far and have to double-back to my apartment to recollect myself.
I feel like a burden. We can't really afford our living expenses, even living as cheaply as we are, but the thought of going outside alone--risking finding him out on my doorstep as I have in the past--just terrifies me, especially knowing the local police have already turned their back on me.
It feels like an endless, vicious cycle.
In October, I discovered that a violent abuser knows where I live. My residence was supposed to be a secret, and my partner and I have plans to leave the city and move elsewhere in the state. But those plans are temporarily on hiatus due to finances, and now I feel like a sitting duck. My last confrontation with this abuser was violent. He threatened to kill me. The police informed me, very matter-of-factly, that I was a liar who was wasting their time. The whole conflict was ugly from start to finish.
Now he knows where I live, and the police have already spurned me once. I have no legal standing to get a restraining order.
It took a long time to convince my partner that we needed to leave the city. When he finally agreed, I had just started a new job. I was there for less than six weeks before I got sick with the common cold and was out for three days. My employer fired me for 'excessive absences.'
I learned my abuser had discovered my absence while I was still working there, and I noticed the anxiety was disrupting my work. I hated leaving the apartment. I felt dread just walking down to the parking lot. I got twitchy and jumpy every time my extension rang--like it was him on the other end of the line.
(To be honest, I don't miss the job at all. It was a horrible job. I had somehow earned the ire of a violent co-worker and was thrown to the wolves by a dismissive supervisor. The rest of my co-workers knew what I was going through, but they were so relieved that they were no longer the target that they just stopped talking to me altogether.)
What concerns me is the anxiety. While I was still working, all I could think about was that abuser. Would he be waiting for me in the parking lot, as he has in the past? Will I come home to find him on my doorstep, as I have before? Will he break down my door, as he has before? What marks will he leave on me this time? What will he do to me this time?
Since I lost my job, we can no longer afford to move. I've been attempting to look at work-from-home options, but it's hard to find something that isn't a scam.
Without extra money, we can't move. As long as I feel unsafe, it's hard to commit myself to anything.
I'm afraid to leave my apartment alone. It's hard to work up the courage to go down to the mailbox or do a load of laundry at the laundromat. It's getting to the point where I'm too nervous to go anywhere alone. If I try, I break down in nervous tears before I get too far and have to double-back to my apartment to recollect myself.
I feel like a burden. We can't really afford our living expenses, even living as cheaply as we are, but the thought of going outside alone--risking finding him out on my doorstep as I have in the past--just terrifies me, especially knowing the local police have already turned their back on me.
It feels like an endless, vicious cycle.
