Anxious and unhappy with "doing"

[whiteraven]

Nobody expects anything if you appear to not know how to do anything.

My mom, who is 87 and smarter than I will ever be, says, "Play dumb. It's amazing how much nicer people are when you do and how much they will do for you." So yeah...I agree!

 

[Tinyflame]

I couldn't play dumb if I had a gun to my head. Or play weak either, no matter how weak I am. But it is true, from what I know also. Wasn't raised that way I guess, or just feels disingenuous. Guess I'm the dumb one haha.

 

[mamachick]

Rosebud it doesn't come naturally to me at all. In my family, I have always been the fixer. Others could always count on me to jump in and take over. I didn't know how to ask for help...or was too proud...anyway I didn't. For the most part, not much was offered to me because I appeared competent and didn't ask for help. I would ask my husband for help, but that help always fell short and came very slowly if at all. After years of this,I think exhaustion genuinely set in.

You are not dumb. I can see why you could not play dumb, and I genuinely hope you never become so tired or overwhelmed that you no longer care about matters.

 

[whiteraven]

I couldn't play dumb if I had a gun to my head. Or play weak either, no matter how weak I am. But it is true, from what I know also. Wasn't raised that way I guess, or just feels disingenuous. Guess I'm the dumb one haha.

I'm the same. I am honest and smart to a fault.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @brat17 . Well I guess it is also unfair to expect others to empathize, or care to, and they have their own worries and fears and heavy burdens. Maybe they also don't believe any more anyone could be different or not self-seeking, either?

Yes @whiteraven . Though my mom never dumbed down. She was graceful and kind and tactful, but didn't play dumb.

Also I suppose I'm too hypervigilant/ wound up (not by choice).

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking about this, not sure if it's the same for you @whiteraven or @brat17 , but I do not find I can ever be heard, or perhaps it's respected- if I express a need. Then I (personally) feel like it is as it always has been, no agency, no voice, no solution. And I feel lousy. Ultimately whether or not I think further on it, guess why people act as they do, or assume it's my fault, or evidence of not caring or being worthless, as am not worth the time or effort, however changes nothing. I think there is such a thing though as giving too much the benefit of the doubt, if the end result leaves me feeling more hopeless. Perhaps choosing what you want, as @brat17 said and tries to, and caring nothing about others or what they think, (and definitely not expecting or sharing what you are thinking) is all one can do? I operate wrongly, basing things on trust, honesty, taking in to consideration others' perceived needs or realities. But I don't think most others do, or in my case care to. Perhaps the lack of substance or satisfaction or mutual consideration and hence pointlessness of it (or worse) @whiteraven is a product of the awareness of that?

 

[mamachick]

@CoolBreezeonahotday , that is sort of how I feel and what I am saying. I do feel heard but only by very few. Those are the ones I will also push myself for even it I would like to avoid. I know there are good people out there, and I use to like to make new friends. Being older and less energy, I have little interest in pursuing new friendships. Even the very few I can count on, there are limitations. I try to see it as it is rather than make their ability or inability into some sort of deficiency or flaw. For example, being in our 60's, I like to talk to my husband out the next chapter in our life. All he says is that he would like to travel more. I am much more specific. We live in a big house that needs lots of maintainance and has lots of steps. He seems to wear rosy glasses and cant foresee making any sort of change. He is just blank when I talk about it. Then I feel like we have no plan based in reality. Yet, I am wrong. He may pass and it may be left to me. I may pass and he may live here until he's 90. As far as the doing part, traveling no longer sounds fun to me.

 

[whiteraven]

I operate wrongly, basing things on trust, honesty, taking in to consideration others' perceived needs or realities.

Well, not sure that is wrong. A lot of people do that; I've always done that. And I've always been told that being true to yourself/authentic is the best way to manage things. I do think there is something to be said, though, for lowering expectations. I tend to go into things expecting people to also be honest and trustworthy, and lots of people just aren't.

Being older and less energy, I have little interest in pursuing new friendships.

Same here. I also just don't really care to be around people that much. It's hard because I get lonely sometimes. I guess I want to be around others on my terms, and that just never works out.

 

[Rose White]

I get lonely sometimes. I guess I want to be around others on my terms, and that just never works out.

Very much relate to this. My desire to control others’ reactions toward me leads to relationships breaking down for various reasons related to that, depending on the dynamic.

 

[Friday]

but I am always very anxious and not wanting to do it beforehand and really depressed after. I'm mostly doing things because it's expected (rather than because I enjoy them), although I don't usually do things I would not normally do.

SOME of this is tied to stress cup stuff, for me… Snort. It amuses the hell out of me when people take the expectation that the fear is worse than the thing itself. Which, to be fair, is often true in life. For myself as much as anyone, I expect. But? The normal-life-issue of : People work themselves up, go, and it’s either not as bad as they were afraid of, or they actually have fun &/or are really grateful they went? NOT what happens when I’m worked up about “going” because it’s my stress cup that is getting Mentos dropped into the coke bottle, ya know? f*ck me, f*ck me, f*ck me… this is gonna be baaaaaaaad.

(For the most part) I’ve learned to use subtle clues that my eyes are rolling and I’m tying to kick the stall door down <cough> as a sign I might just be about to lose my damn mind.

The job I have now is manageable, primarily a work-from-home position (I did go in initially but got permission to WFH after several months), and it is doing work that I've been trained (and am training) for. Outside of work, I am doing a LOT of stuff. I'm trying to get two businesses off the ground (in hopes I can eventually quit the 9-5 and work a flexible schedule), run a pagan group at church, do some volunteer work for a rescue and a labyrinth organization, write (I have several projects I'm working on), plan a remodel of my condo (and, hopefully, one day a move), be with my cats, feed the birds, take photographs.

Okay, yep! I’d say your stress cup is running verr verr full, just as sort of a baseline.

Some of this is undoubtedly balancing/bleeding off stress from other things, and in general you’ve probably archived a fantastic balance to archive it all… so what’s OFF lately, that’s upset the balance?

***

Beyond stress-cup stuff? And, clearly, there’s always more!

I don’t have the headspace to go into, at the moment, but I’ve had this post in drafts for daaaaays trying to get there and am risking losing it all if I don’t firmly put my boot on my shoulder soon soon.

 

[whiteraven]

so what’s OFF lately, that’s upset the balance?

Hm...I had a horrible week at school (got through it, and this week is just sort of a wrap-up. Actually, program will be DONE on the 18th!). That was really the only "different" thing I can think of. I do think that the school thing triggered worries and concerns and thoughts about...what now? I have two businesses (neither of which is really do that much business), and this program was supposed to help me get the second one off the ground. The bad week really had me questioning if I want to do this (I do, at least as much as I want to do anything).

What's next really is an issue for me.

But...I'm also dealing with more pain than I ever have, and with the pain in both hands/arms, it's a constant struggle to do any of the things I like/need to do.

 

[Friday]

But...I'm also dealing with more pain than I ever have

That’ll do it!

Even for people without stress-reactive disorders (and pain, like dieting, illness, injury, sleep disturbance, etc.; is physical stress) pain SUCKS energy & motivation (so physically and emotionally EXHAUSTING!), clouds thinking, darkens moods, and can simply gut their lives until good/working pain management options can be found.

For people with stress reactive disorders? <low whistle>

I always end up suicidal as f*ck when I’m sick/injured, and 50/50 on bad pain days (depends how long they’ve gone on for, & how well I’ve accommodated for the,). Partly from increased stress, largely from loss of coping mechanisms to manage my stress, partly from all the everything that comes along with pain, & partly because of the triggery-stress-ish-ness (triggers & stressors) since so much of my trauma history involved being injured &/or in various states of disrepair.

Is it possible to not necessarily back off from the activity level, but retetris things around to give yourself more rest/recharge time?