Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Abstract]

Junebug,
I am really sorry to hear this. Would a manager not help to organise a lift club or some such thing? Have you spoken to anyone about this?

Is there not an administrative or other role that you could go into in the same industry? Something where your existing knowledge would be of value?

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Abstract, for your response. No, would you believe it, very self-limiting. Because the drive is towards privatization, and there is little respect for the front line workers, for the most part nurses (according to their feedback) as well, they don't hire for 'morale'. We are all distributed in the field, and they specifically design it so that we can't even overlap with workers, and encourage worker-to-worker contempt or competition, primarily to not allow workers to organize. That being said, there are only about 15 positions (administratively) per office; most of the hires are term. My sister's bf's dtr worked there at one point and quit- the salary is not as good as it seems if they only employ you 6 months.

However, I'm trying not to think negatively. (Not think in general, ha.)

I hope you are well. You can hit me with those awful questions, if you get the time +/ or energy. :) Hee. NO PRESSURE (Ya, right! :rolleyes:).

I guess, in my heart, to me chasing a ptsd ~cure is discouraging me even more. I've never tried harder and failed more. :(

I mean, who's kidding who, I can't shake it for trying. And that seems to effect everything. If I am to go against it, for the most part I have to be very drunk. Not even possible to get that drunk.

I am unsure of even what I thought I knew. :(

And the only thing I know about myself, is that if I am unsure about anything, I do nothing. Or I throw everything away. Whether it's dissociating in a parking lot shopping, or having to get out of bed. Without being moderately clear in my mind, I throw it all out. And that's the way it is (or I am).

((((Hugs)))) however to you. Guess I am having whine (and wine :) ) and cheese tonight. Xoxox to you. :inlove: :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Junebug,

I am sorry they treat you so badly. You deserve better than that. Everyone does. I hate that type of managing. And it makes it even worse/unfair that you are in caring profession.

I do feel for you as I could not be in a triggering work environment. As it is I struggle and I have taken almost every stressor out of my work life. I work for myself so dont have to deal with authority figures and potential triggers to do with that. I outsource most jobs I need done so that I have less stress managing people. I work few hours. I am still shockingly unreliable, disorganised and don't know how I keep going. My company accounts were 4 months late this year and all I had to do was hand my bank statements to my accountant. Will probably end up in jail sometime. :eek: But I am so very grateful that I managed to do this. I hope it doesn't make you feel worse to hear it.

Before I went independent I had another breakdown and prior to that was in a similar ish situation to you in some ways. Awful management. Terrible hours. Bad work conditions and staff moral. Your shift work on top of everything else and direct triggers in your environment just sounds awful and awful for your PTSD.

Brain is still missing! Or that section of it anyway. I seem to have streams of thought that come and I can go with it quite well but other than that I am literally like a blank canvas. The lights are on but no ones home. :wacky: But I will come with the tough stuff when I find the stupid thing (its not really tough by the way).

I dont at all think you are failing. I think you are doing amazingly. To be in that situation at work; living with an abusive sister; little sleep or rest and no therapy or support - it is amazing what you have managed.

You are in Canada aren't you? Are there no charities and no help at all from the state with therapy? It seems very bad that a civilised country should have so little to offer. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, oh no! I don't feel badly because you have that, I am happy for you!! I don't get envious about that type of stuff, I would feel badly if it were the same for you! If anything, I only get mad at myself I am not stronger. I am so glad for you!!

But it's true, it's taken me this long to realize it's like constantly re-exposing myself, in some ways it's like forced trauma re-enactment. :( I didn't intend on it, but I had a lot of denial so I didn't acknowledge it. Yet, in another way I was always aware.

That being said, an absence of triggers (or such an environment) professionally +/or personally, I think would feel wonderful.

Well, Health Care here is public- do not have to pay for a Dr (though I don't have one, therefore have to go and wait in a clinic). They can refer you to a shrink (psychiatrist) for meds; psychologists you pay for. (I don't have Insurance and work does not offer it). EAP and the 'Klinic' (Suicide Crisis stuff, etc), well I know many people at both, would never use them. There are places (well one, anyway) that I think you can put your name in, sliding-scale cost, I think, but that's out of my currentrange. However, I can't see myself talking, I mean for one thing, they don't have all day to get started! I'd feel like an ass. Not to mention trust.

And so many years have passed.

((((((Big big Hugs))))), thank you, xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstarct- I've recognized something big, I think.

I don't want to talk, have no need to talk (to a T). Am not sure, have heard people say they feel they 'have' to, they want to get it out, etc. But not me, it came to me I wouldn't pay to talk, but I would pay to 'not to' have to talk, or get out of it!

It occurred to me, and in that sense I feel better, perhaps people think they are 'helping' by hearing one vent? (And perhaps for some people, they are). But I don't see the purpose (just for me), unless I get feedback, or direction, it if anything makes me feel like I've exposed a raw wound or made myself vulnerable for no purpose, just pain. It's not that 'good' kind of risk, where one pushes out of the comfort zone or tries to trust, and things work out ok, it's the bad type of disclosure that is negative, shuts me down even more so, because it's like open-ended vulnerability for no purpose. It's borderline- masochistical, really. :(

I see the only point of talking about such stuff, only to get direction or feedback, or to apologize or clarify to apologize, or to say good-bye, etc, things like that.

I am wondering, maybe it's because of how I was raised? We were sort of raised more like boys than girls. I mean, I relate more to guys not talking about it. I think that's why I always had 'guy' friends, yes we were different but the same in those ways.

I could see myself doing better, with a group of veterans and none of us saying much and having a few laughs and going for a cigarette, to be honest(!):shy:

 

[Tinyflame]

I know I'm an oddball, but it's true! I know that much about myself, why Therapy never sits right (the concept, just for me, personally). Though I'm all for the things like learning grounding techniques, dealing with triggers etc. Coping skills.

 

[Abstract]

I know that much about myself, why Therapy never sits right (the concept, just for me, personally).

You certainly are not an oddball dear Junebug.

That you are so resistant to T could just be representative of your hurts. If an eating disorder had not forced me into T many many years ago I probably would have been the same.

If you could list in point form what it is you dont like about t or think would not work for you then what would they be? :hug:

Trying to fix oneself when we have something like PTSd is akin to trying to build a car when we barely know how to replace a light bulb.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh hee, Abstract, yes if I could have fixed it by now I would certainly have, under no illusions there. :(

I'm sorry about the ED, and all that you've suffered. But am glad you (hopefully) have found some healing.

Yikes, I just think:

-talking does me no good, I feel worse, not better. I cannot see the difference between having the thoughts, or voicing the thoughts, or memories. Without feedback what's the difference?
-I'd be waiting for something to 'change' (an expectation) because of vocalizing it, which it wouldn't. Which goes against my whole knowledge that speaking about it doesn't help, therefore why am I doing it? Then I would also feel worse.
-I have no need or desire to talk about it. I believe some people do, I do not. Some people also find their identity or strengths in being a 'survivor', I do not find an identity in that.
-I'd be paying someone for feeling worse
-I'd be wasting money I don't have. It would be a waste of both of our time.
-It's illogical to me to spend $ I don't have on paying someone to listen to me when I don't even want to talk.
-It's backwards and illogical to me to reveal private things I don't have any desire to talk about to someone I don't trust, all the while paying them for it. It seems entirely like fractured logic to me.

Not sure if that makes sense!

:hug: irregardless, (((((Abstract))))).

 

[Abstract]

:hug: (((Junebug))))

You did a great job! Shall come back. Its good for me too as am also avoiding therapy. Take care.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, I am in no way inferring it wouldn't work for you or others!

((((((Big Hugs! :hug: )))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess also, what I think, or you may say 'fear' (from experience and what I've heard on here), is the presence of 2 fundamental disconnects: I think people don't understand how hard it is to speak of things, I mean literally what it takes out of (myself, anyway), to even try, or ask for help. And secondly, how simply they would feel if the situation were reversed.

If that makes any sense? :confused:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, rather circular but I guess just summarized by the paragraph earlier.

But I am on no way saying it wouldn't work for you! If anything, it HAS helped (to speak about something) in the present, so why not as re: the past? (for some people).

For me, it's still about feedback, all my own conjecture in the world doesn't seem to clarify much. :(

((((Big Hugs :hug: ))))))