Dear Abstract, I was thinking about what you said. And trying to get a perspective on it in my mind. Albeit I realize that sometimes when I overthink it gets me in to too much trouble! :(
Actually, in my family people were dropping like flies so to speak, just bad genetics I suppose. But 'death' or 'dying' or mortality for that matter, was never the focus. Even in regards to my own mortality, it only has extended (in thought) in so far as to "I can't believe I'm still here after x, plus y, plus z, etc-?". Mostly we joked and laughed a lot, still do. Guess we all had strange senses of humour. But I guess no different than say, a family with CF or MD showing up repeatedly. I think that's normal, for the circumstances. (For example, my sister and I always kiss good-bye or hug, or try not to leave arguments open-ended. She verbalized it one day to her friend: it's simple awareness that possibly that would be your last opportunity. Now he does, too. But it actually results in more affection, more awareness, more vulnerability, more gratitude, and more forgiveness, I think. It can be a positive in that regard.)
We were very straight forward as a family, as a kid I remember my dad saying to me as regards himself, 'Well guess it's the Big C and that's that (finished)". And I told him why it might not mean that, even if it was. It never occuurred to me 'children' don't always have straightforward conversations like that (as the need arises).
Like today someone, more than one told me I'm an angel, and that I say things straight forward. Well, I guess I don't know many other ways.
But ya, even where my dad and another family member worked, humour was the way to go. Like a guy saying, "Can we keep flying on a single engine in a Twin Otter?", and the response would be "Sure! ..Right to the crash scene", :rolleyes:. Much was said in humour but ALL very directly.
The sole exception as regards the issue of potential mortality for myself was as regards to having kids, because of 'family statistics' and 2 sisters called terminal already by their 20's and 30's (I was 10 and 12 years younger, respectively), well I seriously felt I'd have to have a very stable, healthy and reliable spouse to consider they might be more-likely-than-average to be put in that position, as a single parent. And I didn't want a child to have to go through that. (And I had no idea ptsd and a feeling of a fore-shortened future was common.)
But anyway, I never talked about any of this stuff here on this forum or thread, or even about being depressed, to anyone. Most right to today, tell me how good they feel because of how cheerful I am, or we have lots of laughs. Only here have I spewed out all this stuff. And of course here it is without balance. Though I never bared my heart to anyone, not even bf's. Not even the 'basics'.
But yes, I agree. For example, to recognize 'reality' is true (yes, no one knows when others or themself will die), but just as similarly it doesn't have to be a guarantee they 'will', imminently. The typical 'worst case scenario' trauma related and experienced fears.
I didn't know I had been 'through' anything- in my mind. Ever. Let alone trying to relate as to what occurred as a child. I had no thought or measure to see a difference between adult behaviours to, or against, a child (me). (For example, I didn't see an adult's behaviour as wrong against me as a child, I saw it as the behaviour of someone (in general) drunk, or whatever. )
About 6 years ago things got really crazy, I asked for help then. Most of it came in having a way to speak the truth, a trustworthy soul to speak it to I should say, and AlAnon. To a degree changing my response to others. It did involve talking about things I'd never said, or considering things like trust etc (also not thought about by me). Put a name to some things I guess.
Like for example tonight I just got home early, sis and bf both desperately drunk, fall down drunk (literally),but not directed at me. But typical, dinner not cooked and all over, 'bodies dropping', extreme emotions, lots of unexplained noise etc etc, am staying out of it. So I've been cheerful, looked at the beautiful Christmas tree, quickly grabbed a coffee-to-go, (and a few chocolates, lol), and locked my door. One part of me is sad, one part more informed. I know what I need to do for now, and things will likely pass. Yes, I wish it weren't so, and yes I'd rather eat and chill out and wash. But maybe I will have to improvise tonight. It's not the end of the world, they have their journey, needs and struggles, and I have mine.
Anyway- didn't mean this to be so long, out of the blue a stupid 'bad date' in 2008 seemed to make me crack up. But I didn't even acknowledge the SI, til I read a book I found outside (literally), and saw (or 'heard') myself in the first few pages immediately. I had to fight to make it by days, and weeks, for whatever God-only-knows reason. Subsequently since then I have told one person (2, but one the attempt went badly) about the SI, and one about the ptsd. I have to say, ugly or horrid as it is, I did it, they did not react as I expected, and I've tried to keep doing things out of my comfort zone. I am trying to not think in terms of 'my thoughts', or self-blame/ shame etc, but trust that their kinder response is justified, that I am not as bad as I feel I am. (Or perhaps not damaged to the point of entire valuelessness, if that makes sense.)
I may truly never be able to unravel what is and isn't traumatic, recognize when I dissociate, or 'work through' traumas. But I try to as they present themselves, not a 'fake it til you make it', but make it each day better. Because I realize I can't stuff things back, but I recall when I was ok with it. I do realize that- just for me- it doesn't need explanations, (and unfortunately academic ones are sometimes helpful but go only so far), and even self-understanding helps.. BUT.. I think it requires (for me) 'doing' it, whether it be trust(ing), having hope, or whatever. Like my pup, I don't follow what they recommend of intermittent reinforcement, I reinforce her positively every time. Not because she shows she needs it, but why not, maybe she does, considering her potential history. Same with people, I figure. If she's risking to trust me, then I try not to give her reasons to be afraid (eg anger, etc). I think that safety is the foundation that helps the most, to enable me anyway, to 'try'. Maybe her, too.
I am not really in a stable enough environment to delve into trauma. But I also remember feeling much better, more hopeful, even during really scary times. I hope to achieve that again. It's a peace beyond understanding.
