Thank you, Dear Abstract and MO!
Yes, Dear Abstract, you are right, in what you say, and in all of the mechanics of this. I think this hits on so much of it:
You have started speaking about things and for me that makes all the difference. Nothing changes until we .. do things to allow it to change. In a safe environment of course. You have talked through things and are making changes.
Going back to what you were speaking about before I am not sure if I understand but think you are saying that:
Fighting to be better and get better brings shame and self judgement and makes you feel bad and therefore just accepting that you are as you are helps you feel better. ?
DBT was made for people who find the idea of change almost a judgment which them makes them feel even more hopeless and faulty and starts self judgement off. It therefore focuses on two things simultaneously - acceptance and change.
.. only way trauma is dealt with is by exposure therapy in a safe environment and never by avoidance. Other psychological wounds are very important too even if they are not technically big T trauma. And with those getting better is a bit different. It is about learning new coping skills like talking about our feelings. And by looking at our distorted thoughts and working to change them. All which require speaking about them.
I think this is all so accurate. I guess I mean, I have tried almost everything over the years, to of little avail. But, (maybe like the dog?), it's entirely different to be treated 'well', or to have any knowledge of being accepted or 'loved' as is. Not on the basis of deserving it, or being even 'lovable'; that is, not reasoning all the 'why's' I could be (or more accurately all the reasons I shouldn't be), but just as is. That is, like my puppy, we didn't teach her to 'do' anything as regards overcoming her abuse, nor did we have an expectation of 'if' or when she would come around (though we did expect- or hope- she would and could). And she has. Not by doing anything but being accepting, consistent, sensitive, aware. Just 'love', really.
Well, this is what is strange. The concept of love or being loved, with no merit, really. But the reality remains.
I'm not familiar with DBT, but I've heard it's very successful for PTSD. I'm not sure if I'm 'radically accepting' anything, but I did remember that I made a few radical promises about 9 years ago. And I expected it to possibly have some very bad times as an indirect result of it, and I promised myself to keep it together when they arose. So challenges, now or otherwise, well that's what I knew I was getting in to. And it's time to honor my own commitment to that.
I don't think change is bad, but I need to retain my 'core'. It may change, but it's important I can recognize it. It's like my hard drive, lol. But yes, I'm shocked at what I can 'spew' out now. It's definitely honest. But without the same self-recriminations or beating up myself after-the-fact, even if I'm ashamed to say it.
Hope this makes sense. It is really 'strange', but I still feel great, and happy, even if so tired. And more peaceful (still). I am horrified at that shooting in the States- I cannot express the words and my heart breaks for the children who's faces I can see with feelings that have mimicked mine. It feels silly to 'think' or write about this (my) stuff. But I want to thank you so much. I HAVE tried to do everything I could, but without others' help I would be where I was, or worse. Like my pup, I think. Jumping the fences and hiding! :rolleyes: But she seems to know she doesn't have to here, and in the knowing she doesn't 'have to' she's gone on to feel (and be) differently. :)
Or like my big dog, when we found him and he 'passed out', we didn't 'train him' to be protective or loyal or to feel safe, he just felt it himself in response to how we were and how he was treated. He knew he was safe- more than we knew after not knowing what he had gone through. :(
I still mean that, it really has little to do with 'me'. It's not something at the level of cognition, really. That's the only way I can describe it. But then again, maybe that has what has made me resistant to other things being effective. Talking is a little start, but feeling differently is really something so much harder to achieve (impossible for me on my own to orchestrate).
You see, I haven't had 'safe' environments (partially my fault/ choices), or safe people who cared less, or help to talk about it/ trouble shoot, or even just to live where people 'believe' ptsd exists (let alone accept it).
But mostly just to have it said it's 'ok'. Or that there is even 'improvement' (God-knows I can't see it, but it helps a lot to hear it!)
And dear MO, I hope you, Abstract, everyone, have hope! I have worked so hard to 'fix' myself (mostly to no avail), it's a relief to not have to. To actually feel better knowing even if I may never be able to. It's an even bigger relief (or shocking) that that's 'ok', too. :) And right this second is all I've got.
Yes! Merry Christmas!!!! :) :hug: :hug: :hug: (((((((Sweet Abstract, MO :) )))))))))), xoxox.
