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Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope
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- #614
Well, 10 minutes to wait. Haven't set the kitchen on fire (yet). :D
OMG, just occurred to me, they didn't say sex-with-'who', oh oh, should have thought of that.. :eek: :roflmao:
And no dog home to eat the evidence if need be, hee.
Ya, I mean in all seriousness, seems to me that life is so difficult, so much sorrow that occurs anyway, and is so short, no time, so unpredictable, what does all or any BS matter, can't understand that, you'd think people would just want to support each other, live.
OMG, just occurred to me, they didn't say sex-with-'who', oh oh, should have thought of that.. :eek: :roflmao:
And no dog home to eat the evidence if need be, hee.
Ya, I mean in all seriousness, seems to me that life is so difficult, so much sorrow that occurs anyway, and is so short, no time, so unpredictable, what does all or any BS matter, can't understand that, you'd think people would just want to support each other, live.
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- #615
Well, so far so good but don't want to speak too soon, have to wait for it to cool to finish. Next time I'm going to pick something easier like a 30 pound turkey with all the trimmings. :confused: Unfortunately I ate a lot of ingrediants. :sick: I forgot to eat. Now I feel like cooked carrots, lol. Real food.
Was thinking, no different though, as per myself, what I choose to think of, such as having my own resentments. Or fear(s), etc. The only thing that made me feel better after this last round, was thinking well God's still there. As per my own fears and thoughts. And feelings.
When things went really bizarre about 7 years ago, I recall where (or how) it turned into a nightmare, but I can't recall details of what 'I' did wrong. Though I know for certain my response was just as crazy. In response to crazy. What didn't help, was that for the year before my relative had to go on a drug that has a side effect of SI (it wasn't an anti-depressant, but for a physical problem), and boy did she get it. Then the other followed that. But I can't undo what she blames me for, and she blames me totally. Again, other than God, I don't have much (anything) I can do to change the past. Just how I relate in the present or future. Not that any of it would matter in the same way, if all of a sudden it was a life-or-death situation or reality.
Anyway, also did think, it is a blessing, when everyone is alive and such, of course it is, but to really take it in, I mean even the most mediocre stuff is not so then when the alternative is someone is gone. Like anything you (I) can take for granted.
I think it must help a lot, if people out there have family or such that tell them that. Must be a very motivating thing, ptsd or not, or maybe even especially.
I thought too, they said when there is a loss of someone, that dinner, and holidays is the worst time. But come to think of it, probably have only eaten 1 meal a day since about 30 years. Guess these strange things are 'normal', in a really weird way. Like even one of the ingrediants in the cake is a (well-known) trigger for me. And sure enough. :( Just as someone said, what is difficult are the triggers are emeshed in activities of daily life. Emotional bombs hidden in inconspicuous places and situations and events.
Was thinking, no different though, as per myself, what I choose to think of, such as having my own resentments. Or fear(s), etc. The only thing that made me feel better after this last round, was thinking well God's still there. As per my own fears and thoughts. And feelings.
When things went really bizarre about 7 years ago, I recall where (or how) it turned into a nightmare, but I can't recall details of what 'I' did wrong. Though I know for certain my response was just as crazy. In response to crazy. What didn't help, was that for the year before my relative had to go on a drug that has a side effect of SI (it wasn't an anti-depressant, but for a physical problem), and boy did she get it. Then the other followed that. But I can't undo what she blames me for, and she blames me totally. Again, other than God, I don't have much (anything) I can do to change the past. Just how I relate in the present or future. Not that any of it would matter in the same way, if all of a sudden it was a life-or-death situation or reality.
Anyway, also did think, it is a blessing, when everyone is alive and such, of course it is, but to really take it in, I mean even the most mediocre stuff is not so then when the alternative is someone is gone. Like anything you (I) can take for granted.
I think it must help a lot, if people out there have family or such that tell them that. Must be a very motivating thing, ptsd or not, or maybe even especially.
I thought too, they said when there is a loss of someone, that dinner, and holidays is the worst time. But come to think of it, probably have only eaten 1 meal a day since about 30 years. Guess these strange things are 'normal', in a really weird way. Like even one of the ingrediants in the cake is a (well-known) trigger for me. And sure enough. :( Just as someone said, what is difficult are the triggers are emeshed in activities of daily life. Emotional bombs hidden in inconspicuous places and situations and events.
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- #616
Hey yay! Not sure if it's better than sex, but it certainly takes longer. :joyful:
She loves coconut and pineapple, so I ended up making a variation of a tropical coconut one- apparently tastes like a pina colada- pineapple and french vanilla with a lightly flavored rum whipped cream and toasted coconut. Uses coconut cream and such, so.. we'll see. Miracle of miracles, it looks good, lol. You must have sent out good wishes Abstract. :hug: I ended up using Angel Food instead of regular cake batter, with 2 layers of filling. A bit hit-or-miss on birthdays, so if it goes flying it's lighter- has 'wings'. :angelic: Hopefully not, hee. But she likes Angel Food and it's not overly sweet. Ended up kind of a tropical theme, anyway. Boy, I have to say though, was never that huge a fan of coconut, but it sure is day and night different toasted. Supposed to make this sucker a day in advance, so that way I figured we can chill out a bit and celebrate and she can go ahead with whatever plans on her birthday itself. Hope she has a great time, anyway.
Funny, still shocks me how really not much stuff 'matters', proper, if you had one day left. Like that stupid joke (but I think it has a lot of truth in it), of the guy who says he's going to end his life saturday, and his friend says, "So what are you doing friday?" :)
Hey, but of all things, noticed my Christmas cactus is blooming- been since january reallllllly slowly, a few blooms at a time. Full of buds though. That's indoors- snow tomorrow out here!
I hope work doesn't add calls tomorrow, never knew eating all those ingredients could be so exhausting. :p Sweet dreams Dear Abstract. :hug:
She loves coconut and pineapple, so I ended up making a variation of a tropical coconut one- apparently tastes like a pina colada- pineapple and french vanilla with a lightly flavored rum whipped cream and toasted coconut. Uses coconut cream and such, so.. we'll see. Miracle of miracles, it looks good, lol. You must have sent out good wishes Abstract. :hug: I ended up using Angel Food instead of regular cake batter, with 2 layers of filling. A bit hit-or-miss on birthdays, so if it goes flying it's lighter- has 'wings'. :angelic: Hopefully not, hee. But she likes Angel Food and it's not overly sweet. Ended up kind of a tropical theme, anyway. Boy, I have to say though, was never that huge a fan of coconut, but it sure is day and night different toasted. Supposed to make this sucker a day in advance, so that way I figured we can chill out a bit and celebrate and she can go ahead with whatever plans on her birthday itself. Hope she has a great time, anyway.
Funny, still shocks me how really not much stuff 'matters', proper, if you had one day left. Like that stupid joke (but I think it has a lot of truth in it), of the guy who says he's going to end his life saturday, and his friend says, "So what are you doing friday?" :)
Hey, but of all things, noticed my Christmas cactus is blooming- been since january reallllllly slowly, a few blooms at a time. Full of buds though. That's indoors- snow tomorrow out here!
I hope work doesn't add calls tomorrow, never knew eating all those ingredients could be so exhausting. :p Sweet dreams Dear Abstract. :hug:
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- #617
I guess what I want, or would hope for my sister, is that if I was the cause of her heartache or what she considers misfortune, that she (or God could/ will for her), restore or bring to her better even than what she feels she has irrevocably lost. She herself has said she refuses to put it in the past.
I realize I'm not responsible for another's happiness, and we all have our own 'stuff', but there is a difference between that and causing what another views as irreperable harm. What is very difficult, is not really knowing if I have, or not. And yet perhaps that's a moot point- if she feels I have, perspective is 99% reality. That is very hard to hear- "you've ruined my life". Let alone wonder if I am guilty of what she's accused. Then, other moments she's fine, or loving. But I know she considers it unforgiveable. I sometimes wonder if she thinks (or is 'trying') despite it to love me, though she never forgets for one moment, as she says. But that she's being big about it. [Or, it's just no emotion or care there, anger and justification for the 'use' she can make of what I can give- only saying that because she 'slipped out' with what she wants to do with my and her money (not related to the house) ].But, however, if her accusations (or some of them) are true-well, then I have caused that. I mean, I know by the time it was raging out of control, well she doesn't acknowledge it was as bad as it was. But it was. However, what I meant before was that maybe I brought about that. Or contributed. :( Yet my 'left brain' says much more was going on than that, or than me being around.
But, the past is gone, no matter what. And if I continue down (this) road of thought, well then I won't be able to stand it. Only because others have said *I* (everyone) has value, or shouldn't do something drastic, do I try to hold on.
I guess, in some ways, it's like she's 'punishing' me, I don't know if that's part of why she is torn between what she wants to feel about me or not. I don't know. It's definitely a challenge to try to counter the thoughts, mostly from what other's have said I try. Very very very difficult, sometimes.
I realize I'm not responsible for another's happiness, and we all have our own 'stuff', but there is a difference between that and causing what another views as irreperable harm. What is very difficult, is not really knowing if I have, or not. And yet perhaps that's a moot point- if she feels I have, perspective is 99% reality. That is very hard to hear- "you've ruined my life". Let alone wonder if I am guilty of what she's accused. Then, other moments she's fine, or loving. But I know she considers it unforgiveable. I sometimes wonder if she thinks (or is 'trying') despite it to love me, though she never forgets for one moment, as she says. But that she's being big about it. [Or, it's just no emotion or care there, anger and justification for the 'use' she can make of what I can give- only saying that because she 'slipped out' with what she wants to do with my and her money (not related to the house) ].But, however, if her accusations (or some of them) are true-well, then I have caused that. I mean, I know by the time it was raging out of control, well she doesn't acknowledge it was as bad as it was. But it was. However, what I meant before was that maybe I brought about that. Or contributed. :( Yet my 'left brain' says much more was going on than that, or than me being around.
But, the past is gone, no matter what. And if I continue down (this) road of thought, well then I won't be able to stand it. Only because others have said *I* (everyone) has value, or shouldn't do something drastic, do I try to hold on.
I guess, in some ways, it's like she's 'punishing' me, I don't know if that's part of why she is torn between what she wants to feel about me or not. I don't know. It's definitely a challenge to try to counter the thoughts, mostly from what other's have said I try. Very very very difficult, sometimes.
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- #618
Well, for example today my sister was ok. Was thinking, maybe it's just complex family dynamics? Maybe it's just related to what is focused on, same for myself, if I was angry for example I would think of more examples of what makes me angry. Maybe it doesn't really have a lot to do with me, even.
Also, woke up thinking, all this end-the-life talk business, well actually was just reminded of it but mostly, it is true it's kind of amazing (in a good way) and pretty miraculous to be 'here', all stuff considered.
Also, woke up thinking, all this end-the-life talk business, well actually was just reminded of it but mostly, it is true it's kind of amazing (in a good way) and pretty miraculous to be 'here', all stuff considered.
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- #619
Yay, I am so lucky, first call cancelled and late start for work- nothing added! And had not much sleep. Sis very happy, and I got (almost) everything done.
Was thinking, maybe there are times she doesn't mean what she says, in anger? Similarly, I don't know if she herself has ptsd, but gosh I went through my rage stage, I 'get' it. Was thinking, for the first time in 4 years, I feel less badly about the far past. In that, now at least I understand why I did what I did, or felt what I did- there's a name for it. Doesn't lessen the responsibilty or gravity, but does explain it. I didn't know why I did what I did, now I know why. That's a huge statement for me.
Was thinking, maybe there are times she doesn't mean what she says, in anger? Similarly, I don't know if she herself has ptsd, but gosh I went through my rage stage, I 'get' it. Was thinking, for the first time in 4 years, I feel less badly about the far past. In that, now at least I understand why I did what I did, or felt what I did- there's a name for it. Doesn't lessen the responsibilty or gravity, but does explain it. I didn't know why I did what I did, now I know why. That's a huge statement for me.
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- #620
intothelight
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Dearest Junebug,
Just read through your posts and there is so much growth here. Just take your time and things will come.
Loved the description of the cake you made! Sounds yummy. :)
Deb
Just read through your posts and there is so much growth here. Just take your time and things will come.
Loved the description of the cake you made! Sounds yummy. :)
Deb
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- #622
Oh dear Deb, thanks. Yes, you're right, "Hurry up and relax!" :rolleyes: I do think of the serenity prayer, .. can't change what I don't even understand, but can accept that I simply don't. Thank you so much for the vote of confidence. Was thinking, I think so much of the stress or turmoil is not, as I have been thinking, all-ptsd. The symptoms specific to the ptsd have been ("touch wood!") more manageable than the last few years, wow, an incredible decrease I am so very very thankful for. I think if I can remove myself mentally from some of it, it would be healthy and have a calming effect.
I was thinking to, I saw a beautiful sign that said, "A soft word can prevent the breaking of a heart". I am quite in awe of the kindness and gentleness and understanding and patience and support and help that's been shown to and given to me.
In fact, to go out on a little limb, I think I've managed to come out the other side of what technically has been challenges or exposure to fears and triggers I never imagined I could or would ever be able to face or do, let alone overcome. Wow, I never thought I could be saying that statement.
((((((((((Hugs)))))))), sweet sweet Deb. I hope you are feeling better and stronger! :) Xox, :inlove: , :hug: .
I was thinking to, I saw a beautiful sign that said, "A soft word can prevent the breaking of a heart". I am quite in awe of the kindness and gentleness and understanding and patience and support and help that's been shown to and given to me.
In fact, to go out on a little limb, I think I've managed to come out the other side of what technically has been challenges or exposure to fears and triggers I never imagined I could or would ever be able to face or do, let alone overcome. Wow, I never thought I could be saying that statement.
((((((((((Hugs)))))))), sweet sweet Deb. I hope you are feeling better and stronger! :) Xox, :inlove: , :hug: .
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