Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Thank you for your kindness, dear Abstract. :hug:

Ya, certainly tempting to throw in the towel, especially since I have my sister's blessing to leave and my whereabouts could be unknown.

Certainly don't expect anything to improve, it never has. All the work on it in the world hasn't changed it. It won't be getting better, since it never has. Who am I kidding.

I saw a prayer by Jean-Guy Dubuc, guess it's that, as long as one lasts:

You knew how to pray...
in the midst of your tasks, in the quiet of night,
deep in your solitude, surrounded by friends.
Teach me the words that nourrish (others') souls.

You knew how to welcome...
the rich and the powerful, the poor and the miserable,
the scholars, the illiterate,
especially the simple, often the exception.

You knew how to suffer...
to hope in the future,
without complaint, without fear,
to stand firm, to face life.
Teach me the meaning of suffering in silence.

You knew how to live...
for the God whom you served,
for His Son, for His Father, also for His Mother,
to save what is lost, to free what is shackled.
Teach me to hope in God and His universe.

 

[Tinyflame]

Abstract, it never fails to amaze me no matter what I say you actually 'like', even if horrid, how kind is that. :inlove:

You know, I was thinking, I'm so tired of being the way I am. It's so tempting to not have to feel this way any longer, or deal with it, or live with it. I also hate myself for it. Figure one is supposed to either choose 'life' or the opposite, and get on with it.

Seems to me, I have become unable, unless I make up my mind in advance (and even then it can be 'iffy'), to choose when I don't have something in mind. Like, if I come out of a store and don't know where I'm headed next, I'll end up standing there for God-knows-how-long. Or where to go on my break at work, who to avoid or not. Same with this I guess, "choose, already", I think.

But can't help thinking, would really be ideal for everyone, as is, if I just kicked off of natural causes, I mean financially and every way. Really, being given the opportunity to not be concerned now I would leave debt (I wouldn't), it's quite tempting, all considered. In fact, could leave a bit the opposite, no matter how I go, one of the few benefits of this lousy job is the ('all-inclusive' death benefit). I know Deb said she had to fight that thought, but not sure who, why or what I'd be fighting for. Don't really have those reasons, at all. Feel very torn.

My mind says 'choose'.

I guess that's it, I abhor my own whining, beyond feeling what I can't bear, voice in my head (or heart) says "get better or get lost. Good riddance to bad rubbage, rock around others' neck this way".

 

[Abstract]

Dear Junebug,

I have stuff to do and sometimes have mental blocks answering but an listening.

Do you think that you have possibly hit another pocket of despair and feeling trapped? If you think back to specific events then can you trace what brought you there?

I am so sorry it is all so painful. Its Ok to discuss what is happening for you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Abstract, good question. I know more work stress, new schedule yet again starting monday as bad as it was before, and *seemed to* screw up my pay (shorted me 12 hours), but can't address that til monday. I say *seemed* because they have a formula of subtracting that which is pro rated on holidays, to be honest I don't even think it's legal and they lost a huge settlement years ago but took years of fighting. I don't have much energy to fight.

But, trying to think back I can't recall when I was last happy, maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago?

I am guessing, as it's always been a prohibitive factor to not leave my sister any debt, that if that debt was potentially already absorbed by her (an option, along with the assets), that no longer exists.

I don't want work or anything else to consume my life, have not much energy to manage continuing forward but no way to stop. Despite managing (sic) the ptsd, well better than some may have found, I feel fundamentally flawed or hollow. People mention their traumas decrease, seems I feel as 'raw' as ever, despite the managing. On the outside it's 'passable', but in my heart I know, it's like "ok girl, not entirely nuts.. except for prone to ending my life first chance I'm allowed". Oh brother. How is that not nuts? How attractive, lol. Not sure how one can work on self-esteem, when it's hard to feel entitled to be breathing. I try to think in my religion it's wrong, then I think if I didn't have that religion, would it still be wrong? I'd never judge another who ended up that way irregardless.

But similarly, most would never know. Seems I'm laughing away with the best of them, and somewhere they don't pick up on it. Which is great, but like living a double life. But it's a life sentence- never freedom.

I can only imagine, it must be amazing to never feel this way. To have something to live for, or fight for.

Its Ok to discuss what is happening for you.

Thank you for that. It sure doesn't feel ok to talk about such things.

:hug: for you, I hope you are ok, xox.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug, :hug:

I find it can help to look at separate things more closely and break it all down.

especially since I have my sister's blessing to leave and my whereabouts could be unknown.

Do you want to describe exactly what was said and in what context? How did it make you feel - what emotions?

I went through my rage stage

why I did what I did

Do you want to describe exactly what you did and to whom in your "rage stage"? What did you say or do and to who and in what context?

:inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello Abstract, not much of import, just said between us that an option is that I could relinquish debt and further claim on asset (works out the same, really). Would allow me to move out and whereever I chose to go. Some said in anger on my sister's part (I think), in so far as doesn't address current commitments and responsibilities very difficult to do left for one person (her) to manage. Unless she has other plans. So yes, guess in that way partially said in anger, I think. Based on those facts that's what I think.

I felt relief. And relief at knowing she'd be ok.

I recall unadalterated-rage feeling, at perhaps 12/ 13, maybe 14. Combination of puberty, then grief plus ptsd. Though as I recall it preceeded more-so the ptsd than followed it beginning. Tink it was more typical adolescence. Didn't really even understand why I was that angry, myself (then). I don't recall ever doing anything to anyone else in rage. Just know how that felt, how undefinable it is, (or can be) in a sense, to reason or even internal (self) explanation. But then, that was 30+ years ago. Maybe I've forgotten something I did? Don't recall anything, though.

PTSD symptoms were followed by my attempts to manage them, didn't ever hurt others out of rage, or intending to, ever or at all. Had a few blow-out fights with a different sister, but that wasn't really related (plus Irish tempers). But undoubtedly caused my mom grief as a parent. Drinking and ending up in scrapes, gambling and some theft, avoiding worst complications and bad crowds (or individuals in them), suicide attempts (2). Etc. Some self-harm. Lots of lies to cover all of it up (then), mostly no one was aware. Ashamed of all of that, of course, but was the best I could do with trying to deal with ptsd symptoms and grief at 14. A lot of very selfish behaviour, I would say though. I got it together a lot more by about 18, worked on it extensively and privately from about 18 to 23 or 24. However, not sure how any of that is relevant.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's ok Abstract, this stuff is all stupid and laborious and wearing, distasteful and to be highly avoided. I realize what a pain it is, a thing most avoid or would break their legs to get away from! Much as mind-reading is useless, it's important to hear what's unsaid, too. Sometimes that's the best others hope for, but might be too diplomatic to convey in words.

Big hugs dear A, always for you, xox :hug: :inlove: .

 

[Springer80]

:hug: XXXX

 

[Tinyflame]

Sweet Springer, may you get all you wish for and then some. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I think therein lays my deficiency, there are no practical solutions, no words of my own or others. Neither the requisite skills nor energy to drag myself out of where I am. Let alone the frustration of 'this'- 'me' - somewhere straddled between living in the 'now' and participating in life, emotions or joy, and the albeit boring but harsh and unbearable individual reality of my own, the fact it can't continue as is. Can only hide it, but living with it is impossible. Have even considered meds to dope myself up and stay numb and half-here, but that is not the life I want. So it is the way it is. That is the prison, trapped within one's own, that is what is not understandable, or reachable, to others, or to get out of it myself.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,

I guess I only asked because it seemed to be causing you guilt and fuelling your self hatred. But I could be wrong!

And with your sister I was not sure what had happened but that too seemed to be fuelling your feelings of lack of worth.
And sometimes if that is the case then it can be worthwhile looking at if there is any foundation to the feelings.

So I just want to be sure I understand as I know you talk about your rage stage quite a lot. It seems what you mean is that internally you felt that rage. That you did not take it out on others but that you were self destructive at that time and seriously suicidal. I think that is a normal response to trauma or to internalised bad feelings from coming from a dysfunctional environment.

And so (because of your experiences) when your sister or others act out and you tend to relate it to your emotions back then. Maybe it is possible that you are guessing the underlying feelings they feel are similar even though the behaviour is not. Is that right? You think they feel like you felt. Do you tend to jump to your actions being the same (inside your head) as well or not?

I am also not sure of the situation for you financially with your sister. It seems you are maybe saying that she has been supporting you over the years and that you are now in debt. ? That she is suggesting some sort of solution and that part of you is relieved but the other part feels rejected. ? Is that right?

tempting to throw in the towel, especially since I have my sister's blessing to leave

Is any of the throwing in the towel in direct response to your sister or not do you think?

what she blames me for, and she blames me totall

"you've ruined my life".

How exactly did you do? If you look at it then what do you think her responsibility is in this and what is yours?

what she wants to do with my and her money

Would allow me to move out and whereever I chose to go.

I have to say that in many ways this seems like it might help you as it seems your sister does re injure you. Is there any financial disadvantage for you?

I hope you have a better and more hopeful day today.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Abstract I'm sorry, seems this has come out all wrong. :( Yikes, not sure why you've bothered to try to make sense of it. But I never have felt badly about any question you've asked, I am not a very good commnicator about this stuff, so the fault lays within me.

Guess I had some time during adolescence when I had the fairly typical anger stage. But was actually a 'good' kid- self-contained. Yes some dysfunction, but much more stress, family sufferings, 'neglect' in so far as I was on my own (but my parents likely thought siblings were around). After the stuff that seemed to start the ptsd it wasn't anger, as I recall, just coped every way I could and ended up with suicide attempts eventually- end of the line. Distinctly remember the moment when I thought " this is why/ when or how people get to this point". Think a lot of people have a time in their life they get that understanding, mine was just earlier. Reminds me of a guy I know saying "now I understand why they put bars on Hospital windows".

Yes, I try not to judge why or how people feel as they do. So, yes, I can understand anger when I know what it feels like to be angry, etc. And/ or knowledge my sister's pain may be expressed in various ways. No, I have no desire to act out in the ways she does. [Not that I never would- "But for the grace of God there go I- (for now).. "]. But I doubt it.

No, sister does not support, but we co-own with some shared debt (not a mortgage).

Her being alive, or rather if I wasn't that fact causing her some distress (or me leaving behind debt) was the primary reason that stopped me at times, re: suicidality.

I look for words to ground me, I find none. Don't think there are any. I've come to the conclusion suck it up and act on, until I end up acting no longer. That requires no hope, and nothing really. Easy on others, works for me.

(((Big hugs))) for you. :hug: