Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[BloomInWinter]

((((Junebug))))

Why don't you deserve our support? Do you think we're unable to choose for ourselves who we want to be friends with? Or that we're easily fooled, or unwise?

;)

You get my point. Seriously, though...can you articulate why your feel it's undeserved? Is it being said in a voice you know?

 

[Tinyflame]

Gee Bloom, I've never thought of such a question (was going to say 'you have too good taste', lol :p). But seriously though, I will try to think about it. All I can say is off the top of my head, I don't really feel deserving of anyone's, just a 'time waster'/ not worth it(me).

Thank you for your dear dear self, (((((((Bloom))))), xox.

 

[Abstract]

Oh Junebug,

You are such a special deserving person and it is so sad to see you feel this way.

One thing that helped me is to think that there is no such thing as "deserving" with so many things and being listened to and cared about is one of them. We are human beings and therefore have a right to many things including being cared for.

The last time I looked you were a human. ;)
:hug:

 

[Abstract]

PS. I don't know if you have heard of "radical acceptance" but it has helped me very much. I think they talk about the pain and then the pain of the pain. In other words the fighting and judging and non accepting of the original pain intensifies it terribly.

Disregard if not helpful or if you know about it already.

:inlove:

PS. I have not got the time to read everything now but will come back but am so pleased to see you sharing and talking. That seems so important and such a good step. :)

 

[Springer80]

The last time I looked you were a human. ;) :hug:

Speak for yourself Abs!!! I've not checked but those bouncy feet look like an unfair advantage. :cautious:;)

(PS. Reporting back from family function...Intact!:whistling: :rolleyes: :sleep:)

 

[Tinyflame]

Springer, so good you made it through- hope it was good. It is Thanksgiving in Canada also.

Yep.. you might be right with the feet (although mine are a LITTLE smaller). ;) :)

Thank you Dear Bloom, Abstract, Gizmo, everyone for such kindness and patience.

I think it came to me, I guess I don't deserve the support because I cause others pain, sadness, problems or disappointment. No matter how hard I try not to I still do. :( I have thought of apologizing, as far as it goes, but even why continue to bother others with that, just bothersome and burdensome, better I just am not there. I certainly can't critisize anyone else, when I cause the damage I do.

 

[KP the nut]

(((JB))), be kind to yourself.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Junebug)))))

How exactly do you cause others 'pain, sadness, problems, or disappointment'?

You've never been anything but kind and supportive of me.

Is there anyone on this forum you think doesn't deserve support? I mean, besides yourself?

I'm guessing, no. :>

So, there's some cognitive distortion there...that you are telling yourself you don't deserve it. I get that but you know that's just the PTSD talking.

How about instead of rejecting the support by holding up the 'I'm not worthy' wall, you just...accept our offering? Instead of slamming the door in our face? (Ok, I'm being snarky but there's a point here, I promise.

Allow us to decide whether or not you 'deserve' it and just....let the support sink in.

Because, you know, I don't spend time on people I don't think are deserving. :>

 

[JustBe]

What Bloom said!!!;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Bloom, MO, KP too, thank you. :hug:

Dear Bloom, something you said makes sense to me in a big way. I guess I've thought too, when others are deserving and haven't received help or support, well surely then I don't deserve it. But I never thought of it as a wall. But I guess the 'accepting' part- yes, it is so foreign. And I do feel very burdensome (or my ptsd- limitations feel like they are imposed on others).

But, even to not be deserving of something, hypothetically, makes the gift of receiving it even greater and more precious. And you are right, if the 'givers' are that generous, it is up to me to accept it. And count myself very blessed. And to not think for other people, or choose for them. Just as I am sure within my choices. To remember only what those who give it have done, not to concentrate on rejecting what seems the invalidness of the conclusions because of my own self-rejection, but instead to work on taking their/ your (sweet) words and lack of judgment to heart. :) (Though I fear you must be 'crazy'- in a good way, lol. :eek::p:inlove:)

Much much love to you:inlove: , :hug:.

How very Dear you All are, thank you. :) :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Dear Junebug,

Bloom is very wise and says this so well. I am so glad you could see things a little differently. I don't know if this helps at all but I think I used to believe that my only value was to somehow fill in what other people wanted from me. To never be hurting and needy or non functional. That those things made me have no value. I still struggle very much letting others see the internal pain.

With you I can clearly see that I would not be any less or more fond of you if you were in a different place distress wise. I care about you because you are a kind genuine intelligent person who has enormous value. You don't have to be the life and soul of the party to make me feel that way. I wish you could see you through my eyes.

I read this rest of this thread yesterday and I am so very sorry that things are so desperate and overwhelming for you at present. :(

Although I am not there at the moment I do very much relate to the place you find yourself in in many ways. In the past I have been overworked and working shifts (not as bad as yours) on top of severe distress etc and felt trapped into it financially as H had been out of work from being made redundant, was depressed and non functional. I also still had an ed then and undernourished. I was in an abusive work environment and yet there was no way out. I ended up in the most severely bad place ever and I think a lot of that was aggravated by exhaustion.

I eventually had a terrible breakdown as there is only so much the human body and mind can take. I am very concerned about you and this situation you find yourself in. It makes me feel guilty for all the free time I now have. Have you at least managed to scrape the energy together to send your CV out there? This does not seem like something that can continue indefinitely and from my experiences the longer I leave it the less able I am to find the ability to look elsewhere. :(

On the note of self hatred and judgement: it is like an almost constant drone in my ear but I have realised now that just because those internalised denigrating messages reside with me that it does not mean that they are right or that others see me this way. I think for me that side of me is hell bent on pushing people away and keeping me low and from connecting with others and myself. I used to think it was just the truth but now do see it as a wall that keeps me away from many things.

I read something on Pete Walkers site about the outer critic and he basically said that for some there is a way of self protection where we put motives. feelings etc on to other people as a way of keeping distance so that we are saved from connection and possible hurt. That astonished me but I have started thinking that is maybe true for me in a very unconscious way. I really don't know if that is any way relevant for you but thought I would bring it up.

And as for your sister... the other thing I believe is that for empathic types (I have no doubt you fall into that category) we absorb the emotions of others very intensely and everywhere else is fine but in the home seems different somehow especially when there is nothing we can do to change things.

Sorry for the wordy post and please disregard anything unhelpful. Mostly just want to let you know that I care even though I am a flake. :hug::alien:

 

[JustBe]

Abstract said:
"On the note of self hatred and judgement: it is like an almost constant drone in my ear but I have realised now that just because those internalised denigrating messages reside with me that it does not mean that they are right or that others see me this way. I think for me that side of me is hell bent on pushing people away and keeping me low and from connecting with others and myself. I used to think it was just the truth but now do see it as a wall that keeps me away from many things."

Wow! Bam! Thanks for the insight! This is what I do!