Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, thank you so much. I typed much and it disappeared again, eiy. Hit the wrong key. :(

I so agree with all you've said, and think you are correct. Thank you but the assertiveness- I don't know but it just 'popped out'- surprised me the most. :wideeyed:

Yes, I did not consider self-care and choices. I've not been in a position to think of 'wants', or things like self-care. I'm trying to learn. It is hard, but explains much as does internalizing the shame, and feeling powerless, and lack of protecting yourself (myself), and not being able to self-sooth, and internalizing things and responding self-destructively.

If anything, the positive part is realizing what is not (seperate from) a ptsd meltdown.

And thats without touching upon abuse, or childhood. I could never think of standing up for myself, when I believed what was said. So it's easy to see how that's also linked to depression.

It seems very strange to potentially have a choice, -scary, too, sometimes I think maybe it's easier to not think that way (that I do have maybe some choice).

I've never had an ED, but then again I can feel better to not eat at all. For days. Or forget to.

Am not sure about dissociation, but sometimes I get disoriented, definitely am after a FB. Definitely ignore (unintentionally) pain or details, that it's not in my best interests to ignore.

I have only tried to do CBT mostly, on my own. Including mindfulness, grounding etc. Probably tried everything ever recommended for depression 20 years ago. I don't have a T.

Thanks Astract, once again. You must be doing great to have all that self awareness. And to be so kind to share it. Thank you! :hug: For your and everyone's kindness and support.

 

[Abstract]

I think it can be a means of avoiding to think you don't have a choice. But here is a big one one for you - you do absolutely have choices! ;) Don't even let yourself believe that you can't do anything about the PTSD stuff either. You may not be able to stop being vulnerable but you certainly can improve the symptoms with treatment. But not having treatment means that you are unlikely to get better. :hug:

There is no need to continue suffering at this level in life and you can make things better. It's very scary I know but I also know you can do it.

What I will say is that there can be a problem with directly facing the traumas if someone does not have basic coping skills or is wrapped in cognitive distortions. I think good t's will always do things to deal with those issues a bit first before approaching the big stuff. So that everything doesn't totally collapse.

I think feeling conflicted about needs - rest, food, sleep, relaxation etc - can be very linked to childhood abuse and neglect and can be very damaging on ones life and welfare. It does sound like you were badly emotionally neglected as a child from what you say.

I know it probably seems like there is no way out of your situation at present but don't give up as there is always a way.

Oh that's a very big one for me for SU. Feeling there is no way out. I have to make sure that there is always an option in my mind.

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Abstract for taking the time to answer, I agree with all that you've said. I think possibly when I was triggered badly in 2008 I didn't have those coping skills in place, but not understanding any of it well, yikes. It was quite the experience. :(

I can't afford t. But I make use of what I can do or try to challenge myself, or understand and face it directly.

I still feel I was not mistreated, unless it was by a stranger, for the most part in my family as a child. But I read this, and I recall a time I was little, maybe 4, was wearing a nylon shirt of my dad's as PJ's, pretty much to the floor, I was standing on the stove (crawled up to get to a cupboard), and it caught on fire, being nylon it went up like a torch. One of my sisters was sitting there, I can't recall how I got it out but I thought I was finished, because I couldn't get it outthere were black fragments floating all over the room, a terrible stench, about 1/2 left of the shirt, she just said "serves you right, climbing on the stove". In my mind- yes, it did. In retrospect though, I wouldn't respond to a kid like that. She didn't even check the burns. There were lots of examples like that, not important but just factual, I learned I was the one responsible, always. No matter the age. Of course, a kid doesn't have the sense, even the understanding of an adult. I was a smart kid, but still a kid. :(

Yes, I guess too choices, especally big or life changing ones, it's hard to imagine one can 'start' this late in the game. As I said, the doubt can shut me (it) down. But maybe it's time to try. It's all new to me, so naturally I expect it will feel strange.

(((((((Hugs))))), xox.

 

[intothelight]

choices, especally big or life changing ones, it's hard to imagine one can 'start' this late in the game.

Sweet Junebug,

Every morning when we wake up, we can "start" fresh. One thing certain about life...is it is constantly changing. We can at any point decide how we want to direct the change and take some claim over our own lives, especially by just being who we were meant to be.

I am truly loving reading this exchange as it has brought a lot of insight.

Thank you!

:hug:

 

[Shellbell]

Intothelight, that is so true that we must make a conscious decision each day, not matter how bad the previous day/week/month has been, to start fresh again and it's never too late. Only we can decide this.

Very positive advice, thank you.

This is a really good thread for advice.

 

[Tinyflame]

(((Dear Deb)))), I'll keep trying. :hug: for you.

Well, my sister said (one) really beautiful, unexpected supportive comment about it, I thought that's what makes her so sweet/ who she is. I reassured her that I wouldn't be doing anything at her expense, not the choice I'd want to make then.

3 hours later, I got home from a meeting pre-work, a little early (about 15 minutes) because of a ride, I didn't expect to come home. She was fall down drunk, and in a ballistic rage, (plus unrecognized ptsd, who knows?), cursing down what I said, called me of course, "selfish, what are 'wants'- welcome to the real world!", that she has never had what she wanted, and that she's done everything for everyone else, and never herself, and then a slew of hate and rage. I thought "oh no- her SO is due to come today and them to go away for the weekend- it will be a blow-out for sure". I said you feel like this because you're drinking. She said she'd be dead if she weren't drinking, (which is both true and an oxy moron as it's killing her. And yes, I know re: AlAnon, and have gone when I could, it's good). I left thinking this is crazy. And so much for hope. I not only don't understand it, but I certainly see why I feel what I do, when even expressing what I like is squashed with raging.

I was afraid to come home. When I came in the door, she said a positive comment about the election, I thanked her for dinner that she made because her bf was coming over, had checked and his vehicle stuff was there, so knew they were in bed. Next thing I know, she's cursing his snoring loudly, banging on walls, dropping everything, headed to the basement for more booze I guess. She hides some down there.

If he didn't wake up, he must be passed out, is all I can guess. I've locked myself in my room.

The resistance to what I said, I can handle. the being ridiculed or run down for it, I expect. To be encouraged then slammed, that's how it always is. Then I felt the SI, the sheer inability long term to escape this life (specifically) I never chose in the first place. I understand why it feels or is hopeless. It was nice while it lasted, though. And if we make it through the night- the potential for extreme violence is always there- then it *should* be better in the morning. Provided they aren't broken up again.

It's not entirely daunting to me, on some level, to meet with that resistance (or any resistance). But on a personal level, to be shut down by her through rage and insult, threats and violence, combined with the reality or requirement of knowing it cannot change, it's not possible physically or financially to change it, takes away all my heart. As usual, I'm sorry I expressed (or even thought, or wanted, or felt hopeful thinking it *could* be possible), anything at all.

I read relatively recently, that hope was the ability to think of or see things anew, it cannot happen here, it never has, I can't foresee it could ever be, that's what's most depressing.

 

[Abstract]

Hi lovely Junebug.
Shall answer properly when I find the words. They left me as they do sometimes. :wacky:

 

[Shellbell]

Junebug, I am so sorry you are going through all this. I don't have anything to say that will help and I don't know all your situation, but even just this last post is such a horrible situation to be going through. The fear and threat of violence is terrible.

You are incredibly strong to cope with all this. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.

Hugs ((((((((Junebug)))))))).

 

[Abstract]

Still suffering from scrambled brain syndrome Junebug but just dropping off a hug if that is Ok.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Shellbell and Abstract.

It doesn't matter. Trying to maintain boundaries here isn't worth the consequences. And as I suspected, blabbed what I told her personally to her friend, which would have been ok sober as a discussion, not as a rage-filled drunken disclosure dropped as a bomb. I am so embarassed, not to mention he is over here 1/2 of the week as it is. I will never forgive her for what she's done. And I don't even care, because it doesn't matter to me if I'm forgiven. Of course, she never apologized, never does. Including for that. I got angry tonight, because I thought what may come of it: threats? Violence? Insults? Rage? Her telling me to go kill myself? Screaming? Well, been there and received all that so who cares. Already wrecked my day and left me wound up and feeling like sh*t. I'll get 'out' when I croak, by whatever causes.

She can f*ck herself. I'm putting sentiment in the garbage can. I have 2 goals- not to smoke and not to eat. The rest of it is going to mean nothing to me. And trust me, I wasn't kind, and I am not 'lovely'- I told her. "As you tell me frequently, do the world a favor and go kill yourself." I don't give a hairy rat's rear about anything or anyone, including her, anymore, or myself. Who cares.

 

[Abstract]

I care Junebug.

I am very sorry. Have things to say but can't tonight. :inlove::hug:

 

[Shellbell]

I care Junebug :hug:

I really hate it when people blab about things they have no right to. It's a terrible thing to do and it's no wonder you are embarrassed and angry. You had every right to be angry and the reaction you got was so wrong. It should have been an apology, but so many people can't do this.

I'm really sorry you are in very this toxic situation, I can only imagine how hard it is.