Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Deleted member 12723]

Junebug, I am so sorry you are going through this experience. I hate how this type of crazymaking makes me feel. I hate being attacked by an unreasonable person who thinks and believes they are in the right. I wish I could solve this one for you and heal you of your pain, but that is impossible.

Words hurt alot. A person can only take so much without cracking up. It makes such a mental strain. You deserve so much good. I hate that you have to go through this. You are a treasure of a person. You do not deserve to be treated so badly. I wish I could give you a real hug. Good for you on the smoking and eating. I wish I had your discipline. Great big cyber hugs for you. I am thinking of you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Abstract, Shellbell, Gizmo. I guess I am as bad as her, to reveal what I did about her here.

I can't believe she betrayed me like that. And yet I can, vulnerability = betrayal. And no, the last thing she equates me to is a 'treasure'. I said before, why have that kind of response to someone just saying what they like or think. That's just followed by insults and verbal attacking and running down, though. And smashing, banging etc.

Ugh, what a fool I was. Now I have the consequences of forever-more listening to their verbal assaults about that when they choose. I wish I could crawl under a rock and die. :lurking:

 

[JustBe]

((((Junebug))))

 

[Tinyflame]

When I think of all the times I've not defended myself, and let her side of the story stand alone, though it left out critical facts- she left out critical facts- so as not to potentially embarass her or reveal something that she wished I didn't or whatever, especially to her bf, and leave myself as the focus of blame or ridicule, I am sick. My own sister, just because she wanted to rant and rave. As she always does if I try to open my mouth. She thinks of me as a piece of :poop: and tells me that frequently. Among other things. I feel :sick:.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((((Junebug))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, I simply can't change it, too late now will forever have to live with the consequences and have it thrown in my face, long as I live.

She said yesterday in response to saying "I can't believe you did that, and you don't even think you shoud apologize", to "stop being a baby". That's what I heard, as a 'baby' (toddler), learned quickly to never cry. Of course she immediately followed it last night with it's my fault/ "I'm just lazy/ don't want to work", etc.

As an aside, I did speak with my Program Mgr directly tuesday, went extremely well but likely will be fruitless.

Notified there's also a meeting friday with him, my supervisor, the Institution's director and staff. Not sure if I will attend,f I do it will only be to defend myself if necessary. Had to already this morning, but am not worried to the extent I've done nothing wrong, I'm telling the truth, and that's all I can do. Great timing when you already feel like :poop:. Then she added another call in the night.

And my bank made an error, had to correct that. All I have now is a migraine and feel broken hearted. Shell-shocked disgusted with myself for disclosing anything. Thought I was sucked in with a positive comment from my sister, followed by the rest. Should have kept my mouth shut, and not removed all doubt and given them more ammunition at my expense for saying anything or what I feel or think. I will be so glad when his is all over one day. Enough venting, I should have known better. Dumb, fruitless, brought in on myself and couldn't have done anything to make it long-term worse for myself.

 

[Shellbell]

Dear Junebug, I am not in the situation you are living in now, but I have a terrible relationship with my sisters and my parents enouraged everyone including my sisters to ridicule me, speak nastily about me and put me down, anything was allowed and if I said anything, I was just being 'sensitive' and a 'drama queen'.

My sisters were conditioned into verbally and emotionally abusing me and they continue to do this right up until recently via facebook. The have said terrible and very heartbreaking things to me many times.

So, I identify a little with what you say about your sister, although your situation now is so much worse. I can imagine how destructive having to live in this toxic environment is for you and I am really so sorry you are enduring this. My heart goes out to you.

You are not any of the things your sister says about you. You are lovely and incredibly stong.

((((((Junebug)))))).

 

[Abstract]

Hugs Junebug.

 

[p-no]

Junebug, just want you to know I'm still reading alone but don't know what much to say.

Yesterday then, it hit me. I realized something on a deeper level than before. First about you, than about me. (Thank you!) It's that by being put down by another repeatedly, over years and years, and being put down again when you've realized you've been put down, so when you wanted to speak up and defend yourself, so, again, being put down and down... that's how you learn the same thing, put yourself down. And then, when a time has come as an adult, when you go out and about (e.g. 9 hours a day at work, i.e. away from your sister), there is 9 hours of freedom from being put down, but what do we do? Step into their shoes in our heads and continuing as if they were there! Putting ourselves down, mimicking what they say, mocking ourselves using their words and even actions.

So, if you can not move out from your sister's and if you can not stop her from saying the things she does to put you down (and she does say the most cruel things, as did my mother, go kill yourself), you can stop telling the same things to yourself when she is not around! You can learn to focus on your own thoughts and actions towards yourself and learn to notice early-on that e.g. you're telling yourself "you're worth nothing". "I am worth nothing" is their "you are worth nothing" echoed! But they are not there some of the time, and at least that spare time you can be free from being told such things, if you find a way to notice you're echoing what they said. This is something you can learn. I know because I did. And yes, as with lots of things in my life, I have not managed to cut it all out completely in the sense that their echo does not start in my head, but then, rapidly I will catch it right there, slow down my thinking and breathing, consciously, and tell myself (sometimes out loud, it makes it more real sometimes) that I am alone, I am well, I am in reality now and my mother is not here and therefore there is no need to do this to myself anymore.

I so wish for you to stop echoing them. To some extent, dear Junebug, you've taken on their words and actions keep slapping yourself with them. According to what you wrote there are certain things you can not change at the moment. But there are things you can change, starting in your own head. You can leave the room when she enters. You can walk around the house just a minute or two, long enough to breathe and to remember that you deserve better. Awareness of what you deserve. It's not about what you deserve, or me, or anyone of us, it's important to make ourselves aware again and again and again of what we deserve. When we're more aware, we can take better care of getting there, step by step.


(((((((((((((Junebug)))))))))))))


Thank you for making me see this. The pattern behind it has opened up doors for me in another aspect of my life at the moment. I have come to realize that if I continue with something, it is really I who continues with something. Once I got that, some more options appeared on the scene.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Dear Shellbell, Abstract, p-no. :hug:

Not really up to writing, but I know, two wrongs don't make a right, either. In some ways, she is so mixed up well, I can't blame her. Due to her own hurts, pain etc, also. In other ways, perhaps she is right, and in a ways maybe it was a laughable suggestion on my part. I was going to talk to a friend about it, but guess good thing I didn't, perhaps I'd have caused myself more embarassment. I do cringe when I think of how I (now) have to face her bf, etc. Because he doesn't have any respect for what I suggested, am sure thinks it's nuts, perhaps, and he wayyyyy oversteps boundaries with me sometimes when he is drunk. (Without further explanation this all comes into play.)

I can only tell myself, to imagine it's a nightmare, and try to block it out of my mind (though I caused it), and only think of it when I am reminded.

At a certain level I don't care if others 'get it', but I'd be lying if I said it's not going to make my life more difficult now that I have.

I realize you are correct, p-no, and I do understand. (Yes, we own a home together.) Yes, I hear 'other's' voices, easy enough to identify I suppose since it's their (specific) words and terms that come to mind. And yes, it's being put down when I try to even defend myself, my analogy is if they wind up and hit you with a verbal or otherwise baseball bat when you do, well, a sane person stops. But yes, you are correct, the hardest part being I don't know how I go about "un-believing" the words, in my heart and head to the core they are truths.

Thank you everyone for your kind responses, xox, Big :hug:.

 

[intothelight]

(((Junebug)))

I am at a loss for words. I can't tell you how to go about "un-believing", but all I can say is consider the source(s).

Deb

 

[p-no]

Junebug, the way I learned un-believing their words was by doing what I wrote in my last post. I stopped echoing them. I paid attention to myself and when I would echo something, I would focus on the words coming out of my mouth realizing at a certain point that I was just repeating those dreadful words of others. At first, as a next step, I made myself, forced myself to stop. I really just stopped. And that was hard because I was so used to echoing all those bad and hurtful words.

It felt at first (at first being a long time!) as if I was choking from those words wanting out but my keeping my mouth shut. Then those words found their way directly into my soul and they hurt and stung and it felt as if they almost killed me. Because I did not let them out anymore! I forced myself to some extent to feel all they made me feel to fully realize how really very, very bad they were! And when I validated that, by feeling them, by connecting what I had already known for a long time to what I was finally allowing myself to feel, I was not choking on these words anymore. I was grieving instead. And for a long, long time.

Then, and only then, there was finally room for silence at first. The grieving, the processing of the hurt and pain from those echoed terrible words had made room for other things. At first, there was nothing much but silence. There were hardly and good words or memories to replace those echoes that were then gone. But: the silence was so very much better than the echoes! The silence did not hurt and did not cause pain. It often gave me a feeling of some peace.

Then, through therapy and better choice of people in my life, and more energy because of more silence and less pain to process and survive every day, I was able to replace the silence by good words and good experiences. I started off by putting little notes up everywhere in my apartment. On my mirrors, the doors, opposite the toilet... They read things like "you are pretty", "I love you" (yes, me myself)... and it worked. Slowly. With more positive words came more positive actions and vice versa. More positive experiences.

I have not arrived at the point of healing that so many expect or hope for. But I am in a good place most of the time. It is possible. And really, from experience, every bit of negative less, is a bit of positive more.

Lots of love, dear Junebug.