Aw, dear safenow, what we don't know is the future. Although I understand the feeling of some 'relief' (for lack of a better term), of what to do if "x" or "y" happens, it doesn't take into consideration positives we don't know may transpire. And as my mom used to say, "It's never what you worry about". I hope you can manage to have a good day each day, as the burden of the future is too much to bear. (((((((Safenow))))))).
Well, can't type much, but Sailorgal, what you said about "what if what if what if", oh yikes that's so exactly so. And safenow, you said it in the other post, that your T said to (only) look back from a place of safety. I was thinking about that.
I realized something, it started with work, a (potential) 'opportunity' to work every day. At first, I thought, well, of course, yes. Then (I was told, privately) one day off well everyone needs. And I recalled, it doesn't allow me, well I never even thought of, what I will need to give up to do so. At the same time I was thinking, if I could just quit smoking, it covers what I'm missing having less shifts. (And obviously, better for me). But then I thought, I've considered not very much 'for' me. Just survival, or other people's desires/ plans. And a relative now deciding "we're" moving. But, is that what *I* want, I ask myself.
So, I am going to work some, most, of the days. There is a medium to choose.
Anyway, not sure if this makes sense, but thought to myself, I haven't thought of anything as regards to learning how to *want* to live. Or even, in the simplest of ways, to what I like, let alone want. Not sure what *wants* are, exactly. And even work can be a source of escapism. Escpaism from working on healing, facing anything, or even being a 'person', if that makes sense.
But you safenow posted (also) about "what if's". I don't think "what if..", as in the past. But I often think "what if" in the present, based upon the past. I started the year feeling a lot of regret, out of the blue, and presume anyone I've burdened feels the same. More "if only's", if only I weren't this way and weren't me, if only I didn't ask for help, in other words if only I kept the effects of (my) suffering to myself. Or "what if I did". Including asking for help. It would (have) been so much better.
I can even recall, like for example during a sexual assault, I even thought, "what if I fight back and break the huge mirror that can't be replaced?", etc. Ugh. What more can I say. In the present I think of "what if's" that might transpire in the future if I speak up, I defend myself, I disagree. Repurcussions. Like the past. :(
I couldn't (and wouldn't) ever get in to this with my sister. I try to stay as even-keel or non-reactive or emotional with her as possible. But I asked a friend, he said 'no regrets'. I could only 'believe' that, or see that as possible, looking back from a spot of safety. So true. Only then is it positive, or believable, or somehow 'feels ok', not shame or regret or self-hatred. And I guess, along with that comes some self-forgiveness? Or self-empathy, of sorts?
And I realize I have only 2 places I can be safe. (My home not being one of them). And exhaustion effects how I think- substantially.
But on an amazing note, I felt very good today- in the strangest way! I can't explain it, just I didn't feel 'ill', and I have no idea why whatsoever. I am very fortunate. I have no idea why. I can't recall feeling this 'well'.
On a difficult note, I am having to listen tonight to much of my sister's pain, and can't take it away. It is because she is drinking. And angry. And upset. But it is painful for her, and yet I know she has to find a way to or through her own healing. It breaks my heart. :(
