Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, thank you for your kindness. And reading it, blah. I suppose I do have zero-compassion. Doesn't seem to be something easy to override. I really can't grasp it, yet I try, like you said. Logically, yes I see, practically there's a wall.

No, I haven't done those things that I'm aware of- well Irish/ Hungarian/ French/ Spanish temper so have sometimes said cruel things within arguments (poeple say, yikes how many holes in the wall? Well I say yes, lots, but being those nationalities they're already plastered too. :) ). But seriously, what I've done was not directed outwards towards interpersonal violence (not physical, verbal, emotional etc.) . Nor do I blame anyone else. I just understand pain and desperation (and ptsd) can cause people to act out or make deleterious and self-damaging choices, and push other people away. I recall what rage feels like from 30+ years ago. At the time it was more like the things I did to try to cope, the lies following to hide it or do so and their impact on others, the bad decision making, living a lie. And the damaging things that can't be replaced or restored.

It's always ok to ask. :hug:

I feel as confident as I can that I don't have false memories, over the years a particularly disturbing incomplete one was hard to 'sit with', had to ask myself why I 'knew' details I shouldn't, but I feel reasonably confident it was (is) benign enough, that there is an explanation.

Strangely enough yesterday, even thinking of and feeling like this, must have received 20 compliments- beautiful eyes, hair, sweet little face, twice how gentle I am, numerous times how good it was to see me, professional compliments definitely unsolicited on my part, even treated to dinner. And promise of home-baked cookies tuesday- hey, who can ask for more. Anyway, what I mean is it's rather surreal, seems outward perception much different than my inward one, especially after all this stuff.

No small wonder to me why I look back and feel it was so 'nuts' though. Or wonder why I fear I'm toxic.

I guess sometimes this stuff comes up whether you want it to or not.

Thank you for your great kindness. ((((((((((((Abstract :inlove: :angelic: )))))))))).

 

[Mercy]

I read somewhere that the perpetrator dumps their emotions and shame and rage onto us when they assault us. And so we are saddled with their feelings. But they don't belong to us they belong to them.

I agree, Abstract. It is a powerful way for them to stay 'clean or not guilty'. They transfer all their stuff to us. Children are like sponges. We absorb whatever is around us and personalize it. In the case of parent perpetrators, we still need them for survival. So we think of them as right and we must be bad. It is still hard, at 62, to grasp fully that the abusers were really factually, criminally wrong.

I fear the problem is it's carried through to who I am as an adult- "don't talk, don't tell, don't feel, don't say", etc. That it's dangerous to do so. Or am not worth it.

Yup, I do that too and am having difficulties pealing off me the layers of stench that remain. Here on the Forum, I am more likely to believe the helpful and kind things people say because we have so much in common.

Again, especially when I know of what others have gone through, t seems making a mountain out of a molehill.

Aw, sweet Junebug, I don't believe in a trauma balance scale. Trauma is trauma! That's enough. Each person's experience is different and each person's experience is important.

(Straight talk, trying to be gentle...) Sometimes, if a person is minimizing their trauma, it feels like a form of denial to me. It's OK. We all need some time out. Denial has its purpose. Sometimes I deny that I am in denial. I should have bought the Tee shirt that said My Name Is Cleopatra, Queen of de Nile.

I was going to confess it to my mom before she died, but I weighed it in my heart and for HER sake (truly), did not.

I did the same thing in a different way with my Mother. She was bipolar and violent in her manic phase. She was institutionalized for long periods and was given a lot of electroshock treatments. They wiped out a lot of her memory. I never wanted to ask her anything or tell her anything if she didn't know about it. I would not be the one to traumatize her. Junebug, I think your choice was kind to your mother. Can you talk it out with a Therapist?

(((((((((((((many soft hugs with tissue and a blanket))))))))

 

[Sailorgal]

(((Junebug)))

I'm sorry I've not been online consistently enough to give a proper reply.

Just wanted to say thinking of you and Abstract hit on a few things I wanted to say "that's exactly it" to!

Abuse is abuse - emotional, physical, psychological...it's all WRONG and very damaging. You mentioned not really having anything to live for and living in self-condemnation. Well, self-condemnation wrecks our foundation of self. No matter what we do, we will never move on. On the outside we may get by, but we are merely a deck of cards.

Aye, I just lost my train of thought....

 

[Sailorgal]

Ok I remember now!!!!

I wholeheartedly believe that healing is very difficult nearly impossible when you are still in that situation. You can heal to a degree, but if you keep getting clobbered, what makes you think your body is not gonna be still traumatized?

I am very fortunate to be completely away from anything - even non triggering things - of my abuse. Even something like a cup can keep a person stuck at some point and takes much more effort to work through.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Sweet Mercy, thank you for your tenderness. I am sorry for all you've been through, :cry: , but I so admire your gentle and beautiful heart. Thank you :hug: .

Sailorgal, I hear what you say. And there is so much truth that even simple things, require a challenge to overcome the feelings that they trigger.

I hear you, Abstract, too. Thank you all.

I think I am doing a bit better, as regards abusive situations. They are less frequent. But I also am trying to trust there are other feelings there, that the words are anger but not all 'true'. If nothing else, they are one opinion.

That's a big step for me.

I don't do, or I can't successfully accomplish, affirmations. Wonder Abstract, if maybe even checking out what abusers work through could help me, in that if I feel I cause and have caused harm, maybe that could help? I've done ammends, in the past.

I manage triggers best I can. I guess much of what I've learned has been through exposure through 'life'.

The suicidal ideation ordeal has been much better than it was for 2 years.

These past things are still past, even if they affect how I feel.

I've tried not to run away.

Within the limitations I have, or realities, I wonder if anyone has any recommendation as to what I can 'do' to fix 'me'? A plan. Despite the conditions here, financial constraints (re: therapy), etc? Just 'a' plan- it doesn't have to be conventional, or even anything to do specific with therapy techniques. An idea, a plan, that might work for someone like me? The real baby steps, or if anything might come to mind for what might work for someone like me?

Thank you everyone, (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))).

 

[Sailorgal]

(((Junebug)))

Past events are past, but unfortunately thr effects are still in the present. Such an ugly thing....

Why do you struggle with affirmations? Deep down do you honestly feel you were partly responsible or deserving of sone of the past abuse (like you put yourself in that situation to begin with). It's not easy to just tell yourself it wasn't your fault. But maybe that's what it takes.

Makes me think of this...if you are trying to rescue someone from an auto wreck, you still risk injuring them but if it was between life and death to save then, why would you feel bad for acting on their behalf? Our past abuse makes US feel guilty. The PTSD brings it back. But it's NOT your fault. You learned NOT to care in order to accept less guilt for something or may have or possibly might have caused.

One thing I am personally learning to accept is that I CAN have something good in my life. The people who hurt me don't dictate my worth or value as a person. They are thieves and robbers - but towards our souls. They robbed us of our voice, our confidence, ability to stand up for ourselves, and see our self-image in a healthy manner. They are killers all the same. The only difference with their victims is we are the living dead versus buried 6 feet under. Sorry for the atrocious image but that is truly how heinous their crimes are.

Fortunately Junebug, you are here and are taking your life back. I hope you can find your inner voice, the one that got silenced so long ago and let her out.

If God made you in His image, with His love, how can YOU not be a wonderful thing? :)

 

[safenow]

I wonder, is that even 'abuse' (technically)?

Yes, that was abuse. I know that is taking you back in time, and I'm sorry.

No child or adult should have to go without support. I am glad you are getting support now - on here.

I so agree with Abstract. I'm glad you are getting support now. I too am getting good support here.

Loving someone sometimes comes with worrying about them but that is a normal part of love. Love is not one-sided - it should not be. It is a mutual caring and giving of support.

Once again, abstract has spoken very wise words.

*covers you both with warm, fuzzy blanket and sends lots of butterflies to kiss your cheeks.*

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,

Logically, yes I see, practically there's a wall.

I think that is a big step!! That is the first time I have seen you acknowledge that because you feel something (your toxicness and badness) does not make it true. If you can work on this then you can get to a point where you don't swallow others abuse and use it as a way of beating yourself up. Good for you!! :)

No, I haven't done those things that I'm aware of-

I guess I sort of wanted to see exactly what was what as I could not really believe that you they would fit you at all and yet the way you speak about yourself it is as if you are such an evil person who has abused all around you whilst they were only kind in return. And usually there is no doubt in there and there is rather an absolute belief that it is so. Whereas if you looked for evidence to explain or support those feelings about yourself it seems there are none. There is only other people wronging you. Not the monster Junebug that lives in your head.

I guess sometimes this stuff comes up whether you want it to or not.

That is what trauma does. And it continues to do so until we tackle it head on.

We absorb whatever is around us and personalize it.

Totally and utterly agree with Mercy. All that she said. And you may not yet be able to feel that the feelings are not yours but a start is to understand that the feelings may not be about who you are or what you have done and that they are rather about what was done to you.

I wholeheartedly believe that healing is very difficult nearly impossible when you are still in that situation. You can heal to a degree, but if you keep getting clobbered, what makes you think your body is not gonna be still traumatized?

And I totally agree with SG. Well described too.

onder Abstract, if maybe even checking out what abusers work through could help me, in that if I feel I cause and have caused harm, maybe that could help?

I am not sure I understand Junebug. Would you like to say a little more?

That's a big step for me.

I really can see it is and am so happy for you! :tup::joyful:

I don't do, or I can't successfully accomplish, affirmations.

I am not sure exactly what this looks like for you but will describe what it looks like for me (and I have come across many many people who have felt similarly to me).

When I first tried affirmations (As) my reaction was intense self hatred and and I literally could not say them. It felt wrong and it made me feel almost sick. I now think it might have made me angry at myself too but at that point I did not know how to recognise anger. I certainly did not believe them and they definitely did not make me feel better. I have to admit too to thinking that the whole idea was ridiculous. How could a few words make any impact on the bottomless feelings/self hatred I felt.

When I put my resistance aside and practices then slowly these reactions started lifting and with time they have helped me a lot in various ways. I needed to start with very modest ones. Saying "I love myself" would have been way too much to start.

I think there are many reasons we react like this when we have had a lifetime of negativity around us. Some of them are that it is just very foreign; that it challenges our sense of reality and change is disturbing; that by countering the negative that others have out on us we are acknowledging that they are wrong and facing who they are etc etc.

A plan.

I would be happy to put some ideas down for you Junebug if you are OK with that.

 

[Sailorgal]

You know, just have to say I love the support and camaraderie here. (((Abstract, Safenow and Junebug)))

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh boy, thank you so much Abstract, safenow, Sailorgal, Mercy, so much to take in and so much kindness. Thank you so much. :hug:

I must go to work, but such kind words. I do believe them, and Abstract I agree. And yes, that's exactly what (or how) I feel about self-affirmations. Self-hatred and make me feel sick. Same reason I can't come up with anything for the 'I deserve" thread.

Actually, put the way you have, I don't think I have to explore what abusers do to get rid of how they feel, if I really am taking other's feelings as my own (or considering myself to blame for the parts I shouldn't). The difference (like you've all said) of just dealing with the feelings vs recognizing I shouldn't (needn't) have the feelings to begin with.

Abstract, I would be so grateful if you can help me get some plan, but only if and when you have time.

I really never thought I had any reasons to feel the way I did (life-long). Then I fell apart in 2008, 'revisited' things I never visited- or even considered- the first time. A can of worms I never would have opened. It's that process, or happenings, that has led to all this. However, if that's so, and I can't put them back, I would like to get a plan. I don't want to hide behind it.

And I guess the (extreme) suicidal ideation was because you (I) couldn't squash the trauma stuff down. Feels 'weird' to admit it. (Or have the right to say that).

BUT, as Sailorgal said, it thoroughly has amazed me that people who have no reason to help me, have. Definitely (they) have put more worth on myself than I can grasp. (Pretty amazing and mind-boggling!)

Dear Sailorgal, I can 'hear' what you said, that God has another opinion than some people might. :) Thank you. I recall hearing, 'God's family' are those who are lonely, abused, broken, bruised. Something about being welcome there.

((((((Hugs back for all, xox ))))))))), happy saturday. :inlove:

 

[Sailorgal]

Did something happen in 2008 that was out of the ordinary?

Two days ago I had a flashback of something I conpletely forgot about. It's amazing how the brain pulls out stuff when it does.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, it wasn't entirely out of the ordinary, but it wasn't expected. It really knocked me for a loop. In retrospect it made me angry, because I can remember a short time before it feeling much better and (finally) a little stronger, happy, and more at peace, despite the circumstances around me. Less afraid and more at peace, finally.

That's what I had- hope. Some feeling of faith or peace things would be ok, and I was strong enough (stronger than before) to keep going ahead. Even a little step at a time. Some hope, strength, things seemed clear. Then it was like the ground gave out under my feet. :(

Yes, same experience for me, re: flashbacks. But I remember during it all right, not surprising since you're 'back there' during it. Strange when you think about it, like physically going back in time.

:hug: 's for you.