Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Dear LhasaLover, you are so kind! This has to be the only place someone could say such a thing. :hug:

I do relate to your post entirely, or specifically what you have said, agree with it entirely. Like you said, sometimes "to heck with it", is wise and sane. Think some of the difficulty lies as is explained in the "spoon theory"- I want the balance too but seems I'm always pushing through with too few spoons. :(

I am so sorry for the things you've been through, and horrified by your treatment. I can only say, and hope, that much more good will come out of this, for you.

I like the idea of forging new ideas to pull through. I'm not quite at that stage, of the ideas coming to mind, but would be more than happy with a feeling of peace, stability, safety. Mind you, don't we all need that. (Well, guess it's never boring. Oye. :rolleyes: ) I suspect it is because hypervigilance, or 'un-security', too, really does equate to defeated energy.

I guess at it's heart, too, there's some bridge that has to be crossed over, wherein one can accept that good things are real. I guess a point where the drag (as in weight) of past trauma ends, and the fear of future trauma receeds, even if it's not possible to ever shake it entirely.

Big Big hugs LH, am pulling for you too!!!! :hug:

 

[LhasaLover]

I am thinking of you Junebug and hope that you are able to take a break and eventually change professions. It sounds like you are tired to some extent your PTSD is being triggered. Sending big hugs back!

I will have educate myself in the "spoon theory". Always something to learn on this forum.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear LhasaLover, thank you, am hoping you are feeling ok, hugs for you.

Do you mean, the tiredness triggers the ptsd? Just because, was thinking (in so far as I can feel), yes I do think the physical affects the mental. Well, I mean, perhaps sheer tiredness is contributing. (The 'spoon theory' is just that there are so many increments of energy available each day, and there has to be forethought in how to spend them, btw). Because my body is failing me lately. Though oddly enough, some of the really big physical issues have been amazingly absent for a little while now, I am so thankful. But it is why it baffles me.

What really stuck in my head was what you said about the mind can play tricks with tiredness. So maybe the fears are related to that. I also have to remind myself not to fall back in to default thoughts or patterns. Not really how I mean describing it, maybe more accurately to say have faith there is a flipside of goodness after so long struggling. I'm not one to have a lot of faith in myself. Mind you, thankfully somehow it's not required my own abilities or strength to get to this point, as I simply couldn't/ can't muster more.

Big hugs dear LL, :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure, had a little trepidation today, about going to church, re: Easter coming, triggers. Maybe just the knowledge I've melted down before, so apprehension, some dread. Then I thought, well don't make it so, or think negatively. Then I forgot about it totally. But, something did trigger me, I have no idea what, when I was there. Can only guess it's something to do with the 'family' thing, or maybe crowds? It's frustrating to not know whether it's from a simple smell or thought or sight, or something that has meaning. But anyway, they said a few times about 'family', as in the people there, (and of course, everyone is a global family/ person who deserves care). I'm quite unsure in some ways at this point in my life what 'family' means.

Anyway, I have heard that before, can't say I can 'feel' that, but at least today I didn't feel like it "wasn't". And (but), whatever had set me off as far as triggering, melted away and didn't bother me. So, I think that was mini-progress of sorts. Though I'm at a loss as to the whole process/ reason, reason it came or reason it went away.

 

[Tinyflame]

Was thinking about it, guess it's just because Easter coincided (just before) when my mom died, recall 'it' (that night), losing all or any hope she could hang on, it wasn't a good night for her (very painful), was certainly (privately) a bad one for me. But it is strange, the Dr's had said 4 months before that she should have been dead 10 years earlier (as with my dad), (and thus) for 'time left' it could be any day, they said. How does one straddle 'hope' in such a circumstance- where you 'could' have hope, as other days past have defied the odds, yet by definition to be prepared or 'letting go', within the concept or knowledge that someone you love has zero minutes left on the clock? :( Though I shouldn't beef, 4 months was a long time, felt like 'oodles' compared to 36 hours for my dad. They say "time is grace", that is what they mean.

Anyway, just thinking or typing out loud, I guess. Didn't mean to yap 'negatives'. (Maybe it's part of what applies like LL said- being tired and my mind going where I'd prefer it didn't. ) Mind you, I guess that maybe explains some things getting to me, the background context. Plus my dad died years earlier, but one week apart. So maybe all of it gets all mixed up. Wish my mind or heart wasn't reminded, or I was strong enough to not recall it, or to feel sad.

Anyway, sweet dreams to everyone :hug:

 

[JustBe]

((((Junebug)))) wishing you sweet dreams and to wake up with a lighter heart.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sweet MO, ((((( MO ))))). Thanks you :hug: .

Yes, Abstract said in another place, memories or triggers or such aren't our "fault", I forget that not feeling as I'd wish, or experiencing what I wish I didn't, is not all my 'fault' or some kind of failure on my part.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, of all things, had armed robbery last night one block from my house, but caught guy virtually immediately in the neighbour's back yard across the street from me, about 100 feet from my front door, with the canine unit and a police chopper, and found gun in the backyard in the snow. They were parked (2 police cars) in front of my house- hard to miss because one was right across my front walk, too. They said a swarm of cops went in their front door with guns drawn, through to the back (out of my sight).

Funny thing was, I told myself, don't let my imagination play tricks, it's "just the ptsd". Apparently not, lol. I DID however, close my bedroom door when I went to bed, but forced myself to not lock it (knowing nothing and presuming it's just the ptsd).

Good puppies in the canine unit, though. Donuts for them, as well! :)

 

[Tinyflame]

You see, with my typical-ptsd-hypervigilance, I heard the (a ) car, told myself it must be (same) neighbour getting a pizza delivered, even seeing cop cars thought it must be me being just chicken, being alone and no dog home, myself.

How weird or silly, that with all that hypervigilance when more vigilance is warranted, you tell yourself it must be just the mind playing tricks. And when it isn't warranted, it feels like the house (or yourself) is on fire! :rolleyes:


But, my sister did have a feeling yesterday morning to put the 'Beware of Dog' sign back up, I said might as well, it's been just sitting there about 2 years. So who ever knows, maybe in a little way that's some protection from above, when you don't even know you'd need it. Not that I wish it as an experience on my neighbour, but I'm glad he wasn't interested in coming to me or my home, it was next in line by about 60 feet and easier to hide behind my fence, I have a short front one and a tall back one, he has only a short back one. Definitely if he got in I wouldn't have been much of a physical deterrent. I'm not afraid of guns, too surreal and get too dissociated, but it still isn't something I'd want to have to deal with.

Funny because, something had told me, if closed my bedrrom door I'd have an advantage of time and a phone, maybe hide under the bed. Told myself that was all a ridiulous thought, because it came to me before out of no where, when I had no reason. I discredit things like that as per myself a lot.

But hey.. my birds here have gone from blue to pink/ red. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I have realized, that people who are suffering, do it so differently. Especially at work, or those I know in my life, for those who are vulnerable, or can accept offers of support, or are kind in doing so, mostly who are vulnerable and open, not solely self-only thoughts, that don't attack me or try to make my life worse (perhaps not 'try' to, but are not verbally abusive or don't direct their anger towards me in a personal attack etc, or are unkind), well the ones that don't do that actually reduce my own suffering, though they do not know it, because they don't know that I have any. Although to me, it is HUGE. So the way they react to their suffering, actually reduces others' (mine). I hope I can be like that, kind no mater what, vulnerable, not harmful to others. More graceful in my own suffering.

 

[Abstract]

So sorry Junebug. :( Hugs to you if OK. Glad all is well.

 

[Tinyflame]

Abstact, thank you, it's ok. If anything I just mean, don't need any extra unexpected stress, :rolleyes: , lol. And I should have said, it's very 'correct' to fear guns (or the damage they can do), I just mean sometimes things are so surreal there is no time to cognitively feel the fear. In my limited experiences of situations with them- one I can recall specifically- I was shaking life a leaf, or a piece of popcorn in a popcorn-maker.

It is ok with the other, I have so many people say the opposite, that the negative ones, well, it reminds me of reading of a person who said, "799 reviews later, and I could only recall the one negative one". I have to choose what to concentrate on. Asked a couple of friends what they thought, they said it was awful, verbally abusive, and totally opposite to how I am.So many others are so opposite, and for that I am very thankful.

And you see, I guess I was thinking, with Easter (being 'Easter', don't mean to offend from a religious bent), but I was thinking (as per myself), in the worst of times, I have hoped ('asked') for God-to-be-God, as it were; in other words, for help in a way human beings could never provide. But it occurred to me, far as 'Easter' goes (if one believes that, I personally do), even God had a human heart, and every human emotion, feeling, reaction, sorrow, fear, questions, suffering and need, mind heart ody and soul. So, if He went through all He did in a human way, then it only makes sense I need to, too. That includes the ptsd journey, as it were.

But don't mean it in a sad way, because life has much more than sadness. I equate the ptsd complications a lot to chronic back pain- it's gotten to the point where I don't recognize it (although I'm reminded every time I get up, or in other ways), but it just kind of gets absorbed into the background of consciousness. However, what is truly WONDERFUL, is I really notice when the pain ISN'T there. I think much the same with this ptsd stuff, there's the managing, or integration, or acceptance. But the moments when it receeds away, oh blissful. :) So I just hope I can manage to, well, like I said, learn to be a little more graceful in whatever or with whatever each step holds.

[PS, I apologize for not keeping up with threads, just energy is low, xoxoxox].

((((Sweet sweet Abstract :inlove: )))))

Hugs to all.