Aw dear Mercy, you have such kindness and goodness and beauty through-and-through. You hit the nail on the head, I do feel like 'I' am a mistake. I know technially no one is, but..
My heart breaks for you, in the understanding of the pain that comes from other's anger. I so wish for you the opposite, after all you've been through. :( I guess I've brought some on myself, people frustrated by me or my 'deficiencies', similarly some men I dated too, their tempers or behaviours and such. Far as family goes, think some might be trickle-down affect of their own stress, or control. It's strange, how at some level you wonder if the person would die for you (me), if necessary, and yet to live with other factors from them that make you feel like you wish you were. Mind you, I am fed up with myself, can't imagine everyone else isn't, as well. Though I seem to be 'human' in interactions, left to consider myself 'as is' I wonder.
I will have to check that challenge out. You are right- because I know what a beautiful person you are, so I hope you can know that too!
Yes, well bought ciggies, but I will try again. I truly understand the difficulties with trying to quit and ptsd!
Thank you, how sweet Mercy, as per my mom. Been a long time, but not the best time of year. I have a pendant of hers, never take it off. I had an identical one I lost. This one, the day she went for a routine (30 minute) biopsy, well it went down the bathtub drain that morning prior while washing her hair- was able to get it back with the vacuum (not a wet dry vac, lol). Then she 'died' on the table, took 5 1/ hours in surgery and a wicked night but she made it! I know one day I will probably lose it, but I'd rather have her 'with' me (and I tie the necklace in a knot at the clasp, lol- it fell off at work twice, stopped to pick it up thinking I was returning someone else's!). However, my mom would be the last to be negative. I blame myself more for having the benefits of kind and wonderful parents, even if I didn't know my dad so long (and he was away a lot). The cruel or pervy people came after. Was thinking, not 'monsters under the bed' as a child, but myself hiding under the bed, or tempted to (with valid reason) as an adult. Though it had difficulties or sorrows as a child, not their fault.
Did hear something out of the blue a couple of days ago. A neighbour who knew my dad (and he's been dead 30 years!), said he would come around, ask how she was, if she said "Awful", he'd say, "why, what's the matter?", she said she'd say, "I have a big problem". He'd say, "No you don't", she didn't get it, he'd laugh and say "I'll fix it", and apparently would, for her and everyone else in the neighborhood as well. He never said so, though. So I told my co-worker, she said "that's a message from your dad". Later it sunk in, what she meant, I thought, well what could I ask dad to fix, what problem (beyond everything, lol). But I did ask, re: this.
Was really so thankful, thus far fallout appears hopefully minimal, I will know tomorrow. Forgiven too, or not yelled at, at least, as it were, except by myself I guess. But if it is resolved, that's miraculous and I'm so thankful and will be so very very very relieved.
Also I thought, 'time' can be a problem. There's either not enough, or too much. I fear the latter defines others burden of me.
I wish I didn't have ptsd. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I was predictable and strong and stable and capable and not affected or bothered by stuff.
((((((Dear dear Mercy))))), xox.
