Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Abstract]

Bad timing, but I have ended up being 'taken in' as a patient by a surgeon specialist, even though I had no Dr (no referral- that is required), and without a wait (2 weeks, normal wait is months). I'll be expected to have some fairly invasive tests. Bigger problem is I have a fear of Dr's, hospitals and the such (trauma-related). Have only gone usually for occupational injuries when it was wholely unavoidable. A few times in 20 odd years.

Hi Junebug,
I am so glad you are being taken care of by someone so knowledgeable and getting to bypass the effects of past avoidance (no dr). I am sorry this is so hard to do and will likely be invasive. I too have recently taken myself in hand to do with something that needed to be done.

Good luck and well done for doing this. :tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @Abstract , though I think 'what am I doing??" :(

I had a bit of a meltdown after 4 days of my sister's screaming at me, have become the cause of all that is wrong in her eyes/heart, thought I'll change my mind. I said awful things about my dad to her, surprisingly it stopped her screaming. I am thinking it is 'sane' to go and carry on, appointment the 30th. But difficult. Trying not to think about it.

You are right, I am fortunate someone else is trying to undo the effects or repercussions/ choices ('sort of', far as it was possible to 'chose', more like avoidance) I've made following trauma. I know I should just be 'grateful'. But Ugh. :(

I am glad for you too Abstract. Do you require a biopsy? I hope all is ok.

Big gentle soft hug, Dear Abstract. :inlove: :hug:

I don't have fear how I'll act when I get there- provided I actually get there, and don't cancel or run out. I can stand pain entirely quietly as well. But beyond the obvious reasons I don't want to go I have a horrible feeling I am wasting their time. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, things sure are horrendous at home, sister oscillating between rage and threats of (her) suicide, booze + pills she says, that she is 'putting her foot down'. :( My anxiety is through the roof. Nothing I say or do helps. I would appreciate a prayer or well-wish. :(

 

[mamachick]

Thoughts and prayers your way Junebug. I am sorry you are going through so much right now.
(((hugs))) and many prayers

 

[zaniara]

Not 'liking' it. Just want to send you some support and a hug. You're in my prayers.

 

[Abstract]

Sending support Junebug. Threatening you is not OK no matter how she is at the moment so you can calmly and firmly tell her that it is not OK to take out her pain on you. If she threatens suicide then do consider phoning the police or other facilities to help her.

It all sounds horrible. I hope she gets the help she need and that find a way to take care of you.

 

[Mercy]

Dearest Junebug,
What a difficult time you are having!!! I know I would have collapsed if I had a sister who yells and behaves like yours does. You probably have reserves of self-protection built up over the years to be able to stand it for four days!! It sounds like she is playing you for all the sympathy and attention she can get. Do you know that you don't have to give her any of your attention........ I don't mean to seem harsh at all, just protective of you. She sounds like a two year old having a temper tantrum.

I hope you can gather the strength and determination to go to the appointment on the 30th. I'll be flying that day and am free to pray for you for hours. I pray that you will know the gentleness of God and his abiding love for you.
{{{{{{{{{{{{sweet scented flower hugs for you}}}}}}}}

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @brat17 , @zaniara , @Abstract , @Mercy . It's much appreciated. Xoxox. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I made it to Dr, sort of succeeded and failed, tests scheduled for surgery, but there was a problem with computers and couldn't even do requisition for bloodwork. Didn't run away, but accidentally (without intention) just said "I was fine!' and "great!" and such, couldn't 'say' otherwise or the truth. Brought up a huge unexpected problem- problem I was referred for likely caused by trauma injuries and self harm- (she just asked if 'it was injuries?" - she, I'm sure is correct, she is a top specialist and 'knew' right away), but out popped "No" (I lied and didn't mean to). Now further tests will expose what I fear, how can I possibly disclose what I can't? Oh God. :(

Work situation went better than I could have hoped 2 weeks ago, then nearly a disaster a week ago. Turns out no one but myself is actually 'doing' the work assigned though, so co-workers have no stress (or less) about it.

Sister and bf still on rocks, am affected by their stress because it's inescapable here. Even though I wish I could be entirely left out of it and they would stop and care for, or listen to, (or be vulnerable with?), each other.

Not sure why I'm posting this? I am not doing so well. :( I apologize if I shouldn't be.

Did figure out I think SI is related a lot to no alternatives, options or reducing stress or pain or something helps relieve SI. It sounds obvious I realize. 'Time' or 'trying harder to stand it' doesn't help so much (for me). Really only practical realities that bring relief does.

Hugs for all, thanks to all.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess this is why I'm posting, to 'say it to myself out loud', that is acknowledge it. With the Dr, I have never had any delusions my suicide attempt etc (1 of 2) though 30 years ago didn't cause what would be permanent physical damage (also the traumas/ injuries/ self-harm), but I've worked as hard as I could to change my life. Yet it's like now, still my past comes back to haunt me. I don't want to go there.

I cannot disclose to a stranger. I don't even know this person.

I also figured out, adding extreme stress leads me to the propensity not only to 'forget' or temporarily 'black out', but also to feel very odd about all and any of my relationships. I feel mistrust, fear, avoidance, numbness, I can't remember feeling anything else. Everything, and every relationship, feels questionable. Not as in paranoia, but as in either numbness or fear or mistrust. :( Even though I 'know' logically this is not the case. But I cannot 'feel' otherwise, at least not for the most part or most of the time.

Thanks for letting me rant.

 

[Mercy]

Rants are good......they help clear the air even if there is some whiff of gas escaping behind you.

If even thinking about leaving your home is too stressful, know that I understand. I have agoraphobic periods a lot of the time. I hope for you that these stressful times with people fighting and yelling pass over you without landing on you directly. It is so hard to deal with things like yelling. I always freeze and then gradually leave the room. I withdraw inside where I can be alone. It is not a choice really and it pushes me down the path of SI thinking. I respect your troubles..........
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Dearest @Mercy , only you would say this such ranting is good! :hug: Thank you. That is so funny- 'gas'- :wideeyed::wtf: Lol. :hug:

You are right, or I agree, the anger and yelling, or fighting is such a trigger. I have to avoid denying (to myself) it wears me out in the typical having-ptsd-kind-of-way, even if it's not personally directed to me. The fear and terror-filled feelings come with it. I have never thought of agoraphobia- probably because the house is often not peaceful, or hasn't been these past 5 weeks or so. If anything, I can walk and walk, even through the night, like 'Batgirl' said on the forum, I totally 'get' that. But actually, it at times applies. I never thought I felt 'panic' or dissociated either, but I certainly do both. I just bury it or deny it (to myself) well, or try to hide it.

I am trying to get or stay a bit 'saner' (on purpose I don't say 'more sane' because am not sure I feel that I am!). At least I have figured out that I only (growing up or in the past) have only had one mindset- 'get it done' even if it is impossible. :( Such as the work scenario. Most people 'in their right mind' simply don't think that way, they point out why it's impossible and don't do it, whereas those things (the details) don't occur to me. No small wonder given an opprtunity to have a choice I don't manage, I'm not used to having choices either.

Though I am appalled at myself, in that frequently the only thing that will get me to accomplish something is ZERO choice (ie no work no pay/ repercussions), someone else getting or needing something, myself not having to receive anything, hiding what's really going on from others who might mention it (bailing on a social event with a co-worker), or sheer desperation (need cigarettes so don't avoid people because need to go buy them/ addiction). (I should say to edit, I try to push myself or force myself, or ignore what my mind is telling me, or reasons it's better I don't).

I'm also just so low on energy, or courage or hope. Too much anxiety and too much fear.

Something I haven't done for a few years, is gone off on my own with no one around, get away. Well, I go where there ARE people, actually, on purpose, because it's anti-S. But I mean away from anyone who knows me, and some place I can try to get my bearings/ grounded.

((((((Sweetest Mercy)))))), thank you always, and for your kindness and understanding and gentleness, xox. :hug: