Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[ms spock]

I think its really important to look at what radical acceptance is and not mix it up with other things Junebug.

Radical acceptance isn't a version of "this is my lot so let me accept it". It is a dialectical concept. It is a peace with the reality of the present whilst getting the correct treatment for change and healing.

How to tell the difference? Be careful you don't confuse hopelessness, despair and giving up with radical acceptance. Radical acceptance comes with hope, peace and a lifting of the spirits as well as energy and motivation to move forwards and change. Hopelessness and giving up is about staying stationary and staying in the pain but accepting that is the way it will remain. Often it is motivated by not wanting to risk hoping things will get better and then them not.

In all your full life you have never even had appropriate therapy of any type, or had any sharing or support with stressors and traumas until just a few months ago. I think it's very important for you not to feel you have done all you can your whole life and that this is where you find yourself as a result and will remain.

That is a great explanation of radical acceptance. It is really eye opening.

I never really got it before this.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Abstract , it's not 'tough' I wouldn't say, just true! :hug:

I real;y appreciate what you are trying to get across.

Funny thing is,any situations (circumstances) I've been in have really required radical acceptance (by the appropriate definition). Some have truly been in the spirit of a certain peace, as well. I think of the saying "So much unused suffering" (not 'useless'); that is, I can always try to choose to look at details I can't change in a different light.

I think exhaustion, despair, fear, the hopelessness you mentioned, not only precludes that radical acceptance but really leaves me bereft of any strength, hope or peace whatsoever.

But, oddly enough, I think I've been given a Big 'clue' last sunday. (For me), it's got to be something more than 'intellect' and CBT/DBT to enable me to face (especially with hope) each day, the unknown, my symptoms, my difficulty, my guilt of having difficulty (with ptsd). I have to reassure myself of greater 'truths' or meanings that I try to believe.

In a similar vein, learning to 'include' (or not fear the repercussions/ burdens) of 'including' anyone else in my struggles/ my 'deficiencies' due to ptsd or otherwise (*I realize this is not a healthy way to view them, but how I feel as regards myself nonethless), is something to be thankful for, and not to be afraid of. And to remember that.

Yikes, I don't explain it very well!! :rolleyes: :)

A beautiful Christmastime to all. Each day, I hope we can help each other, thank you all for your help, sweetness, kindness, patience and support. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh! I forgot! Dear people at work, well very sweet and cards and such galore I didn't think to even look to see if they were mine, since I am so bad at giving any, etc (as they all know). One lady's family I bumped in to grabbed me for a bear hug, said "To see you- that's a bonus" (and she's very very reserved).

Today I think of as Peace on Earth. Someone had orchestra charols on tv, that one (that line) that stuck in my head/ heart was "Born this happy morning!" . I think regardless of whatever beliefs, each day is really potentially that moment in time when we can love someone, or do or just wish upon someone else good will. Perhaps it's not worth so much, but I can try to do that little bit. I think radical acceptance is best combined with trying to feel 'not alone', that 'things will be ok'. There is a relief to me in the moments I can say, "I can do no more", an actual relief in being vulnerable, and (oddly!) more peace. (Never thought I could say that about vulnerability!)

Hugs! :) :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

You know, I was thinking more about this, @Abstract , and your last paragraph is true. Thanks so much. :hug:

Also it made me think, as regards my sister, well they say one has to acknowledge that one loves someone they can't trust. And yet, in so many other ways she has given me much more than I have given her. Perhaps it's the understanding that though I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, she is no more 'well' than I am (also not, I certainly could not be held to a standard per se, even if it be ptsd-influenced as a reason), and it is still important to me and for me to recognize and give her the thanks and credit for what she has given.

I think the small things have a great impact. I think too it helps to realize, acknowledge and allow one's self to grieve during the moments one feels badly.

'Life' can be messy. :eek: :rolleyes:

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess this is what I mean. I've been thinking about 'memory' a fair bit- I have almost been an observer as to how my own mind works in regards to it, and also it's relation to triggers. I don't recall enough of a reference point to know if it could be what predisposes one to ptsd, or is a function of it, or not related at all. And perhaps new details can 're-shape' the current way to look at 'old' memories. This is what I noticed:

I saw 'Oreo' cookies (a horrible ridiculous trigger but makes sense in context I do not want to share), followed by some detail (now) about 'these have candy-cane filling'. I thought, replace the old trigger with new info. I really attempted to specifically re-write it, breathing etc included.

Similarly, I was walking alone back and forth (required) in the night in the snow, and simply recalled that somewhere I remember seeing it in a movie, the person being alone. No conotation, just a memory, but also a memory of 'feelings' evoked.

Then I heard "I'll be home for Christmas", and thought of the times my sister said she thought that way (in the song) when she was away at Christmas. I remember that, but the connotation to me is 'current' with 'my own' memories or present feelings.

Then I was going to church late, there wasn't a car anywhere, and by God I heard "Angels we have heard on high"- there's outdoor Christmas lights with 'tunes' here, but far as I know the closest is up the block and around the corner! But then I heard nothing else (no more songs). But it started me thinking about when I've passed it. Then, I heard it in church and it reminded me of (primarily) only the most recent (tonight). But then again it was a happy/hopeful memory. :) Not all memories seem to be stored equally (beyond even cognitive info or appraisal.)

When I was alone and walking (it's a 'balmy minus 25 degrees below, vs minus 40- ,really, pitiful as it sounds it actually feels good! :rolleyes: :) ) I felt sad, but then I noticed the snow all sparkling. And I remembered something I read years ago about the value of the 'intangibles' (such as hope; that depression was a 'liar'). To look at the small details. To be 'present'. (PTSD makes it very hard to be present!)

Then, I heard tonight how we live/ think/ what we value/ the choices we make make us more and more sensitive to certain things. I think ptsd makes us sensitive to rather deleterious things, and triggers, and other stuff. Not exclusively deleterious, but skewed. It tips a balance and the more it's not addressed or countered the more likely (I) default to it.

If that makes any sense whatsoever. :rolleyes: :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I had no where to put it but wanted to send my love at Christmastime (but also always) to @Abstract , @intothelight , @Ms Spock , @Pottershand , @The Albatross , and all. You are all such very amazing people! :inlove: I wish you all the Very Best in 2014 and am honored to have gotten to 'know' you!! :notworthy: :) :hug: ((((((((To All you dear and special souls :) )))))))))))))

 

[ms spock]

My best to you Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

I figured out something, recognized couple of triggers and dealt with them, also got stuck in a crowd taller than me and panicked (I don't usually, likely the unexpectedness and 'stuck' part. I did ok but zoomed out a bit). But then similarly if I wasn't my height I wouldn't have noticed a pretty glass angel tucked away. Received a disturbing letter from my sister on the 23rd, she said some of what I had been thinking myself, but her delivery left me with a different type of guilt, or maybe the word is 'worry', in addition to guilt or regret I have anyway. Not sure how to bridge what is almost impossible to stand though, why I broke off contact mostly many years ago. I think I managed Christmas better than recent years past though, in some ways. Also feel worry or pressure to speak 'out loud' about any of this stuff.

 

[Tinyflame]

I feel happy that it is Christmas, that is, 'Christmastime'. Someone said 'the madness is over' I said 'I like the madness'. :joyful: But actually, it was my sister's letter that disturbed me, and there's nothing 'new' in that. It made/ makes me feel badly (about myself), but that's nothing new. I think I handled it better than in the past.

I heard the song 'Believe' today- I heard it once before, I used to love that one. It says much more about, or in the way of, being 'hopeful'. Not sure how to describe it.

It's hard to learn how to manage all this stuff! Or let one's self just feel better/ relaxed (for me). To feel like it isn't horribly dangerous or the bottom will fall out.

Love to all, xox, :hug: , off to work but with one very very difficult call off and x2 cancelled. I am very thankful. :) :tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

You know, I am so very very lucky, in many ways, but also it occurred to me wednesday or thursday night I think, after finding old e-mail anyway wherein I felt so burdensome etc and such, (but wasn't 'reacted to', which was kind and understanding), how 'sane' and relevant and 'necessary' it seemed to me (then) to do and say and feel as I did. Seeing that e-mail showed me how crazy it sounded, no one could deal with that. It seemed so 'accurate' and necessary to 'me', however (then). I think much was (HUGE?) fear.

I think.. maybe.. just MAYBE :) .. we all ARE getting a little better.. even if we thought we just couldn't anymore, and didn't know how, or didn't have the means or energy or strength or heart to even try.. :) :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oye, I made a 'boo-boo' - I think- though am not sure? Got violently ill last night, only out of bed at 4 pm. I think it's just a bad flu, fever, chills, vomitting, but I recall taking way too many OTC stuff. Lost track.( What tipped me off was reading here, I am surprised actually at what people even call S attempts- the amounts- I take for granted are not indicative of that, as per my own behaviours. Stupid. ) Yet I have been happy, thought maybe it's self-sabotage, even had the previously-violent person taken off my shcedule yesterday, coincided with forgetting to say this good thing I have been saying, too. Maybe it's the effect of my mind trying to minimize or 'dis-prove' it? Was thinking too, I feel ashamed that, being average and average happenings, that I manage(d) them so poorly. :(

 

[ms spock]

Hope you feel better soon Junebug.