Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[ms spock]

@Junebug I think text based communication can be tricky at times, as you don't hear a tone of voice or get to learn the verbal, physical and expression nuances of the person but you do get a feel for a person after a bit.

I don't think you are very poor at being able to identify or describe what you mean and feel at times. You struggle with it perhaps but you do do it and you clarified for me what your post meant which was pretty good communication with me in my book. And you were kind about my misunderstanding, which was generous and helpful to me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Dear @Ms Spock , of course, no reason to be unkind, and not understanding is never a bad thing! Thank YOU for telling me so. I truly appreciate such kindness, your sludging through this, it helps me a lot to make some sense of what doesn't appear to have any sensible component. :hug: Xox. And also reduce self-hatred.

I think I have made sense of something. Triggers, lots of them, would be flooding. I know what literal flooding is like, and there's not too many physical ways to deal with it, that is the time to get through it.

I guess even positive changes (even positive 'affirmations' of sorts) are bound to have a big back-lash the more difficult they are to do (and thus necessary).

I think I have started to realize, much of the problem comes from what I have 'ignored' (tuned out, not intentionally, though I don't mean as in dissociation or consciously) in the background, not what I actually identify in the foreground (such as triggers). Stenni's post really helped me a lot, I can understand how and why she said she 'doesn't notice' or 'didn't think things were worth mentioning'. For myself, it's not just an abhorence of re-visiting the issue (eg SI or any other), or the shame and frustration of not 'getting over it' (ptsd or SI). Of course that is part of it. But I think it also comes from blocking it out, not being able to put things (thoughts, memories, experiences) within a particular pattern or context or 'connectedness' to one another. I think it is a memory issue of sorts, or a selective perception one, distorted by ptsd. I recognized it first when the symptoms all started, it was frightening and weird (and actually someone else pointed it out). Which might explain or contribute to much. For example, asking for help I should have said, "Had an instance where I realize that I unintentionally put my life in jeopardy so I realize I have to work harder at (x) and I am hoping to do so by doing (x, such and such), and I am wondering if I can ask for help to do (x, whatever specific request)". However, none of that really occured to me when the first part is not considered important enough to mention. Then again, if I had thought of it I wouldn't wanted to have revealed it because of being ashamed, lack of humity, being a downer to others.

Also I was pretty much raised where experiences and such were a) or b) ; one survived, or didn't. Not really middle ground of 'talking' about them or feeling(s).

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I have stopped smoking and must say though I crave it when I have one I feel sick. You's think I'd remember that. It is very handy, however! If I can do it it will make up for the smaller schedule of days at work (80 hours but paid for 64, but 2 days less pay than before this started). I think I need support or duct tape around my head though. :rolleyes: I am going to use this to 'vent' if I have to because it usually brings on SI.

My sweet puppy came to me to remind me to do the things I need to. She is like a therapy dog, so sweet. :inlove: Just even sweet to look at her. She sure is happy now, and she started 'hopeless' (according to others). I am going to get her a good treat! :)

:hug: 's to all

 

[Tinyflame]

I can't stretch myself in all the directions I must. I can't seem to muster up the energy I need. :( Then my thinking shows it, or 'feelings', for example work called and didn't leave a message (not usual) and I'm filled with forboding despite the fact I have no evidence to indicate anything in any direction. Yikes. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, not sure if this is hopeful or helpful to anyone at all, or even if anyone will see it at all. But I don't want to post a thread as I don't feel I can express myself well, and I'm not sure if it's applicable only to my own journey?

I have a little soil from a place, where the trail is long and uphill. Well, actually, it's an optical illusion, it actually appears to go uphill but it is going downhill. But 'that' s the journey, my life and everyone's, individually. It helps because it simply 'is'. Not sure if that makes sense. Some people's roads are one way, some another, but each individual one is ok, because that's their's (or mine). And I (we) get to choose how to respond to what is along the path. And if we're lucky we can notice the beautiful things along the path, or maybe things we didn't imagine. I guess the biggest difference I realize is that I thought it's supposed to be an easier path. It's ok.

And to remember "(our) lives might feel llike they're going to hell in a handbasket, but they aren't, and they won't." Even with ptsd.

And also being a bit 'suspended' feeling between here-and-there I've always had, I think I know what it means. Having a sense of the meaning, seems to take a few questions away. Not sure why it took so long to think of what it is analagous to. I understand, and that's ok.

And maybe we have to 'do' or 'be' or 'give' in different ways than we (or at least I) would have thought, or what is more conventional; we have to be a bit more unconventional because of ptsd and otherwise. But at least unconventional is not boring. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Potential horror today re: work, people have reported theft and though that is not me am worried because long story short I threw something in recycling and got it out again and hope it was not mistaken as such. With this place one is guilty until proven innocent, and I can't prove that. Have to worry even when throwing out someone's garbage. :( The stress of even the possibility is horrid and awful. Actually unbearable. There is no protection. I only hope whomever or whatever explanation there is will be found ASAP as it has nothing to do with me!

Not to mention I just found not long ago $250 App cards on the bus, turned out they had been transfered and it was ok but because person had receipt with their name on it I was able to track them down and make sure.

This place is just stress-filled. I feel sick and wholly terrified. :(

Prayers for help/ protection if possible? :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Too much stress.

I am trying to think a promise is a promise is a promise. Difficult. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

I just saw something sweet though, all on film, a group of friends parachuting, one guy got knocked out by the plane, 2 others linked arms with him when they saw, a 3rd got his chute open from the top and then he regained consciousness and they all landed safely. Nothing to do with this stuff but a bit up-lifting and miraculous.

 

[Tinyflame]

Am not sure why I should post, except perhaps it's somewhat 'sane' to try to get my thoughts out somewhere, have absolute unbearable extreme anxiety. To say it to release it, an odd analogy but almost like poison out of a system.

I know my thoughts are constricted, they've also been swimming around since responding to another post. I watched an hour long video because I couldn't sleep on SI, just because I quoted a wrong reference to someone and looked up the name, then ended up following a link and watching. Agree but not somewhere entirely, said SI has an absence of healthy fear of physical pain. I agree, but also think it's the pain of greater fear of living or life (like now) versus not.

And he spoke of self-violence (means), prevalent with anorexia nervosa SI patients I relate to. It's all entirely a bit too 'relatable', but a down-slider, particularly since I identify with it but am without knowing what to actually 'do' about it or how to change it. He also spoke as a thread did here about self-hatred/ mirrors. I feel very isolated when here (on the forum) or in real life people refer to it happening 'sometimes'. For me it is almost always. I understand how that sounds. I feel much like an 'ogre', in my bizarre sense of humour I felt, reading others' posts, I (personally) should be called 'Shrek'. A green Irish ogre, no less.

I think for me there is some connection and overlap between anxiety/ pain/ depression/ SI. Perhaps it is as simple as ptsd plus SI. God knows I've been in a lot of denial about ptsd, in many ways. I know that if there is a propensity that can be identified for ptsd development mine (as a child) would have been anxiety. I have tried and am trying what I know to dispel or contain it, but to no avail. Even I (at this moment) would say I need medication (at this moment). I don't know what else to do or try that I haven't already, except for repeating to myself things I have said (I have heard) to say in unbearably extremely stressful times.

It feels like the anxiety of waiting and pacing while a loved one is in surgery, but this doesn't and hasn't ended in 6 or 9 or 12 hours, like even a serious surgery would. And not quite sure if I'm the 'body' (metaphorically) in surgery or I feel like myself and my loved ones all are, those same feelings of stress and fear, which is a scenario I can relate the same feelings to. Grave, stressed, worried, fear, horribly encompassing. Severe.

But I did see this, following another link, and am paraphrasing, a story about a man in his early 30's with a history of depression who became severly depressed, agitated and beyond hope to which he could not continue as life was too painful,. But the man's friends rallied around the clock for him for a week with a 24-hour watch, etc. One ultimately took him in to his home and even paid his living expenses and law school tuition, and despite further struggles he did not cave in to the SI. If you can believe, the person was apparently Abraham Lincoln.

I'm sorry this is down. The last part was the best I could do to try to post or trust or try to find hope, or share it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I read today, (and in occurred to me of it as in response to SI), 'The REASON to live is Love". And so I think that is the 'answer' to the SI. :wideeyed: And not even dependent on whether one has ptsd or not.

Should this be in the 'Major Breakthroughs' category? It is deceptively simple. :wideeyed: :notworthy: :)

 

[Tinyflame]

And I dare have to say, without the SI I don't feel half as 'contagious' or deleterious, at least 2/3rd's to 75% less than normal. Not like a hand grenade (my usual). :)

Yay! WOW. :wideeyed: :) :joyful:

Hugs to All your Dear selves. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

When I think of when I started this thread, in retrospect I was overwhelmed, and overwhelmed with everything that exascerbates ptsd symptoms for me anyway- eating thrown off, no sleep, change, confrontational people. Physical wearing out, and a self-feeding cycle. It was like "everything-not-to-do-with-ptsd-101". :eek:

I heard something really important too, that if our hearts are full of what-have-you, choices are made by our heart for us. One example was if we have no - no we think or feel and believe we have no value or worth in God's eyes, our heart makes choices based on that. Which makes me feel better, in so far as between those 2 groups of factors it's no wonder SI has been problematic. :( (Well, actually, if I'm honest it was before that that it was really well, inevitable). Also, however, knowing that last part especially, it both explains why I've felt I can't guarantee (to myself) one day I wouldn't end up that way, even despite myself. Also the internal-mechanism-drive towards it, and the accidental 'screw up' I did in January. Also, in that regard it's not just my 'fault' (ie not trying hard enough). So I figure just "giving that up (for Lent, is what they were talking about- it's 40 days)", well who knows where that could lead. Only good, I imagine. (I like it too, because if you give something up for Lent it doesn't have to be good or bad, eg could be chocolate or ciggies. That is, no connotation or cognitive-internal-argument required as to 'if' it's even good or bad, if that makes sense.).

I think it makes me feel peacefully happy, because it's sort of a concrete explanation that makes total sense to me, I think it's correct. :) :notworthy:

It was weird also, heard a song I used to know as a kid, it came out when I was 6, 'Landslide', but I always understood it, even then, it says "can the child within my heart rise above?', that whole chorus I have understood. It made me cry a little, it actually felt great. :wideeyed: :)

And I saw a beautiful sunset! We have had no color in the sky because of winter. :)

Gentle hugs to all. :hug: