Anyone Else Have Ostriches In Their Family?

[Heather]

Everything I have been dealing with these past several months pretty much gets dealt with in the same way:

Don't talk about it
Act like nothing happened
Pretend life is normal
Sweep it under the rug
Bury head in sand
If you don't think about it, you don't have to deal with it.

This is my family.

Frustrating, aggravating and maddening all rolled into one.

Anyone else relate?

 

[KeepingTime]

Robert frosts short poem says it best.
"We dance round the ring and suppose, but the secret sits in the middle and knows"

my mother was the queen of "if I don't look at it, it didn't happen"

 

[cat-lady]

This is almost everyone in my family. For those who married in it's like they chose each other because they're like that. They don't even seem to care about protecting their own kids.

 

[Justmehere]

My therpaist tells me that most dysfunctional families have unhealthy levels of denial and bystanders to trauma, pain, abuse, and/or serious problems.

Healthy families validate and acknowledge problems.

My family has unbelievable levels of denial.

My therapist says the healthiest ones are those in the family system who can see the problem, and admit it's there. Like you are doing. :hug:

 

[Heather]

Wow, I guess I'm not alone. I'm mostly referring to my mother. She doesn't want to know/hear about ANYTHING. Her motto: ignore it and it'll go away. I guess my sister falls into that category to: deny, deny, deny and then deny some more. She is their poster child.

I on the other hand am the EXACT OPPOSITE. I can't let things slide without talking about it. My mother hates it because I won't let it go until I FEEL there's been some resolution...even though most times there's NOT and then I have to figure out how to deal with that.

Denial is so strong and runs so deep. People don't want to acknowledge the bad shit they've done or hear about the bad shit that's been done.

@KeepingTime you sure my mom and yours have never met? j.k.

 

[Heather]

@Justmehere I like what your therapist said. I can remember when I was 17 y/o and my cousin had been pressuring me to get sexual with him. I told my mom and she responded, "what do you want me to do about it?" Really? Nothing was done about it. No discussion, no confronting my Aunt about her sons advances. NOTHING.

This wasn't the only incident in my family and it was never dealt with. Inappropriate things were said and done.....I told and nothing. I think that's why when I found out what happened to my daughter...I freaked out and went into Rambo mode.

I know I failed to protect her but I didn't fail at stopping it, or validating her and getting her help.

 

[cat-lady]

I wish someone in my family would have gone into Rambo mode!

 

[Eagle3]

My parents are part of a religious movement that advocates denial as a way to let God move in your life. So yeah, I hate dealing with my mom and her ostrich-like approach to anything, especially with my health. As a kid it was always "just act normal, eventually God will make you normal!" instead of dealing with the problems I was having. Now, at 33, I'm having to deal with not just PTSD from some nasty events and growing up in this cult, but turns out I also have Asperger's! No one knew, and doctor's still don't believe me, because my body and mind will automatically slip into "act normal!" mode and fool everyone! Part of my therapy right now is learning to actually feel. acknowledge, and EXPRESS what's really going on in my body/mind.

 

[sun seeker]

Anyone else relate?

Yup.

I don't have much to say beyond that. You summed up my family pretty well.

 

[Heather]

@cat-lady I'm sorry nobody went all Sylvester Stallone for you. I am like a mama bear with a machete when it comes to keeping my daughter safe. I don't do everything right and I make mistakes. She doesn't like it half the time but it's for her own protection. You get burned once and it's hard not to walking around like you're packing an arsenal.

I'm trying and am slowly allowing her freedom....with set boundaries....with people I know I can trust. Not easy after everything that has happened. Hopefully one day she will realize I am not "being mean" and doing it out of love and to keep her safe. She is my world/ my heart/my soul.

 

[Heather]

Also when my brother-in-law sexually assaulted me...my mother was more concerned about my sister not allowing her to see the grand kids as opposed to him assaulting me.

When I told her I couldn't have him over here for my own emotional well-being. She responded, "why do you let is affect you?" Really....you have someone crawl on top of you, push you down and shove their tongue down your throat.....wreaking of beer and cigarette.

Then you tell me how I'm NOT supposed to let it affect me! What a f*cking idiot. Yes mom, I'm talking to you!

 

[cat-lady]

Wow, that's horrible. Yeah, I eventually decided to distance myself from family because of reactions like that. I just needed to, even from the people who were not directly abusive. I was just sick of hearing what "nice people" my abusers were even from the people in my family who knew what they did.