Anyone Else Never Really Had Support In Their Life?

[Teasel]

I've never had someone in my life I know I can turn to, on a superficial or non emotional way perhaps but I can never remember knowing I could go to someone and be able to tell them all about it.

And I feel such shame about this, kind of like - how awful must I be for that to be the case?

It's so overwhelmingly painful, devastating

 

[keifer]

I feel so vulnerable I dont let anyone in. I have a friend and she has ptsd and would make a great support but I just can't.

My other supporters have no idea what I'm going through. I can't explain it. I dont even know what I need from a supporter.

I thought of deleting my account on here. I'm a vet but not really as I dont have combat related ptsd. I feel since I'm not, im not really a vet just a guy who has ptsd and who now outcasted from that culture.

Why would I expect support from my fellow vets? I'm not really a vet.

 

[Hope4future]

I understand and have a similar experience. You are not alone and it isn't because you aren't deserving of that kind of support and connection. Trusting another person after you've learned that people can be so cruel is one of the most challenging aspects of healing. Hang in there.

 

[Echo]

I have never yet told anyone my story either, just little bits and pieces finally now, after decades. I don't know if I will ever be able to do so either, in full, and that is in part, a large part, to do with shame, and in part because I have hidden so much of the detail for so many years from myself, so I don't even know my own story yet. Just telling the story in words would not anyway convey the enormity of the emotions and the terror. The little bits I have told just shock people into silence and into a form of dissociation, and I end up having to sort them out, not myself.

I think my only likely release will be with a therapist, but I feel sick to my stomach about the prospect of telling the therapist I currently have, even though she is great, supportive, sensitive and very professional.

I feel my other option might be to write a book or a diary at least at first, but each time I have written anything in my 'rape diary' it has connected me so strongly to forgotten or suppressed emotions and horror, that it sends me spinning off into all kinds of flashbacks and unmanageable states. I am stunned by the force of it.

My story from birth onwards has been one of no support, from my parents onwards. I do have some good friends, though I have lost several along the way, but I have no capability at present for asking for help, practical or otherwise. I share some things with them, on some kind of superficial level, but I just feel I would push them away or bore them, and above all I don't want to be a burden. It is beyond me at the moment to ask anyone to get groceries for me, do my ironing, mow my lawn or any such simple thing. My flat is still full of Christmas tree prickles, because I cannot hoover them up. No-one has offered to help me in any practical way, and I'm sure it is my fault. My therapist says I am my own worst enemy in all of this, though she says it is a learned behaviour, due to abuse, and I cannot help it at present. It's an attempt to make myself small and invisible and not cause any fuss; to keep safe. The result is that everyone sees me as highly capable and very strong, and thinks I'll manage anyway.

Learning to be vulnerable seems to be the only way to let other people in, but it terrifies me. I guess I have yet to find out all the reasons why. Maybe it is easier with the anonymity that this forum affords, but I am greatly hesitant to put my guard down here either. I guess we have to do it tiny step-by-tiny step and learn what support actually is. I wouldn't hesitate to give it to others.

What help do you have @Berlinda and @keifer as things stand? Do you both have good therapists? What do they suggest about dealing with this?

 

[Badger]

Berlinda- I am certian it is not because you are awful that you lack emotional support. It takes courage to trust, but it reaps huge rewards. You start small, trusting with little things and kind of work your way up. If you let people in you are giving them the power to hurt you, but also to help. Only you can step out of the isolation.

 

[Whirlwind]

I can never remember knowing I could go to someone and be able to tell them all about it.

You are not alone, I'm in the same boat. I am not young and it is disheartening to say such a thing.

And I feel such shame about this, kind of like - how awful must I be for that to be the case?

I have asked myself the same question. In the end, I don't think I am awful, I think I am a pretty nice person and I have tried to be a good friend/partner to people. I think I did my part, at least I've been told so. But in the end, it seems people fall back on family, those people are permanent and the rest like myself, while decent people are always peripheral and when jobs change, or life events occur....I get dumped. I suspect it isn't even personal, more of a case of priorities change, and I was always a "2nd tier" friend. I think I took my friends more seriously than they did me, for me, they were "family" or the closest thing I've had. These were permanent in my eyes.

The result is that everyone sees me as highly capable and very strong, and thinks I'll manage anyway.

Yes. A few precious friends left me by the wayside and a number of years later a couple of conversations occurred. The story I got was that I was such a "strong person" "so together" "such an amazing person" etc etc. There was no fight, no problem that I am aware of.

Frankly, I think these "friends" of mine simply suck. It was the first time in our relationship that I needed them, I had helped them countless times over decades and when I needed some support they bailed on me. And it was not due to my behavior etc. It seems our relationships had a dynamic I hadn't fully understood, ala one way street! ;)

Geez, I had 4 major life events blast me for random reasons in a years time. It was so bad it was almost comical! I recall my best friend finding out and promising to come over, take me for a beer or coffee along with an offer to talk about everything. Well, it never happened, our friendship apparently dissolved and I think guilt kept them away after awhile. But not enough guilt to not invite me to their wedding 3 yrs later.

I thought it was what you described, that I was somehow responsible for the limited depth of friendship because I wasn't doing something right. Anymore, I believe I picked people as friends that were only participating in my life if/when it benefited them.

Back to my couple of conversations....I shared my hurt with one and they cried, apologized etc. And they promised to call me and we would talk....they even told me that I was one of the few "quality people" they knew and they didn't want to lose a person like me in their life.

Its been 8 years. Still haven't gotten the return call. What possessed them to say such things is beyond me, more touching garbage apparently.

My experience may not resonate but I think it is true for me, I didn't pick my friends well over the years, I picked other people with damage or limits and it took along time but I can see some of the signs now. I think that is one of the ways my abuse really messed with me, I pick people with problems or limits subconsciously.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[rightkindofme]

I handled this early on by blabbing my drama on the internet. Mostly it kept people away from me (like drama blasts do) but it lead to me finding my husband. There are people who care in the world but sometimes it is very hard to find them. :-\ I'm sorry for all of your suffering OP (and anyone else who posts).

 

[Echo]

@Whirlwind, I agree, the people who have walked out of my life have either done so because I haven't got the strength to listen for hours to their stuff anymore, and, it turns out, they haven't got five minutes to listen to mine, or are just scared and would rather tell themselves they feel guilty for not contacting me, than actually doing so. None of them have been turned away by me being a burden, they haven't even got as far as listening once. It is a real eye-opener.

One of my supposed best friends told me some time ago, that she had decided to stop communicating with two of her good friends because they both had terminal cancer and she felt it would upset her too much to be involved in supporting them in any way. She let both those people die over the period of a year without any further contact from her and didn't even go to their funerals. I was stunned at the time and gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking there must be more to it, but the minute I wrote to her and said I had PTSD, that was it, I got the same treatment. When I think of all the hours I spent helping her with academic applications, her dyslexia when she was writing her PhD, her family relationships, oh well... I guess some people are just not strong enough to be there for others.

Other people have left my life, in the past, when I have stopped having some particular problem. It seems they only relate to people they can groan and moan to, but are not there for the good times. I guess it takes all sorts. My mistake is to be there for others and really just not for myself sufficiently.

I guess we attract people who treat us with the same amount of dignity and worth that we accord ourselves. That's all we can change.

 

[Echo]

@rightkindofme - wow, that is very heartening!

 

[keifer]

I quit therapy when the base doc said I needed a different therapist as I'm unstable and will need to see an AF shrink. Vice go through that, I'm opting to retire.

Since this isnt combat related, the VA will not help me either. I give myself a 50/50 chance of making it or suicide. Then I'm just another number.

 

[Echo]

@keifer - I read about your plight on another thread, and even though I have nothing to do with the forces, and am not in the US, I thought the way you were being treated showed great ignorance and was awful. Seems to me it was combat related, but maybe I remembered wrong, forgive me.

Hope you can find your way through and be proud of yourself, even if they are not man enough to deal with it. It takes great strength to be vulnerable and the military seem to be scared of admitting vulnerability themselves, in your case. Shame on them.

I've just heard that there is no public assistance for me despite a diagnosis of CPTSD after rape and child abuse surfacing from earlier in my life. It has hit me like a ton of bricks and just contributes to feeling of worthlessness and damage. I am trying to see a purpose in all of this. I'm hoping to be able to motivate myself to survive with the thought that I can start to have a better life, surrounded by more enlightened, kinder people, and that I can turn my experiences into something that ultimately helps others.

I hope you find the right kind of help. You deserve it.

 

[Badger]

I've had a similar experience of losing friends over the years but there few that are still with me too. I guess for me there's a few questions that come to mind. With my own friendships as well as those of everyone here. There's no right answers there's just your answers, but maybe it will help you think about finding someone you really like.

*What attracts me to a friend in the first place?
Intelligence is very important to me. And being interested and engaged in the world. Having things that you like to do together and interests that you like to share. Values in common. Sense of humor. My lover and I had an interesting and amusing discussion about armadillos carrying leprosy the other day :) THAT is awesome. I will never be bored.

*What are characteristics that make a friendship last?
For me people who are interested in life and still growing and learning are the friendships I treasure. Keen observers of the world. Compassionate spirits. People who are interested in me as well. People who care enough to look in as opposed to just on the surface. People who will want to be involved in my life and allow me into theirs.

*What are the things I want out of a friendship? I want it to last forever. I want it to be balanced over all. To more or less get out of it as much as I put into it. Of course there will be periods of time where this is not equal, in any relationship but on balance, over the history of the friendship. I want to be there for them and have them be there for me.
.
*What do I bring to a friendship? I think I am loyal, kind, compassionate, perceptive, open, and interesting and interested.

*What are things I can work on to make myself a better friend? Temper. I don't lose it often, but when I do it tends to be spectacular. Forgiveness. Seeing things from the others point of view. (something we can always be better at right?)

Theres more I'm sure but this seems like a good place to start. Something to think about anyway.