Inner Critic Being Fueled By Situation With Ex - Please Help

[Deleted member 33052]

@Anarchy Oh my god, I just made the mistake of watching that video with subtitles on! I haven't laughed that hard in ages! :roflmao:

Thanks for sharing that, anarchy. Once I've picked myself up off the floor, I'll try again - without subtitles!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Nat, last year I found this TED talk that refers to an online self-help game called Superbetter. I've been playing for about six months, and I think I began to notice a difference in the way I viewed myself within a week or so. It's free, it's easy, and I can do it on my own time. Take a look: https://www.ted.com/speakers/jane_mcgonigal

 

[NatBird]

Nat, last year I found this TED talk that refers to an online self-help game called Superbetter. I...

Great. I will have a look. Thank you:)

 

[Deleted member 33052]

My pleasure. It's helped me so much, I want to let the world know about it and then let everyone decide if it's right for them.

Oh, wow, it sounds like I'm prosthelytizing... :(

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Oh, one more thing - as I learn to value myself, I find I'm not being impacted as enormously as before. I'm beginning to learn that it's how I feel about myself that matters, not how others feel about me. I'm beginning. Definitely not all the way there, but even this small change feels huge because it reinforces the positive feelings, which in turn increase the positive feelings.

I'm rambling. :oops:

 

[Justmehere]

Q: Does anyone else feel awful about their behavior in a previous relationships and have their inner critic use it as material? How do you process/manage this?

I have a very harsh inner critic. There are times when I am able to simply listen its 'talk-shit' and not get on the train with it. My inner critic has become aware of this as over the last three years and has found a new source of shaming, an ex partner.
When the critic is shaming me from this angle it really feels as though I am being walked around all day with a gun at the base of my neck just waiting for it to be fired. In this mode the critic easily drives me towards self harming and suicidal ideation.
The inner critic is noxious and untameable when fueled by the situation with the ex.

I really deeply struggle with a robust inner critic that gets extra fuel from really difficult/re-traumatizing relationships. Especially ones where I think I made mistakes. In addition to the great suggestions already given, looking into Trauma Focused CBT self help, like challenging distorted thinking to stop negative self talk - that's been a really helpful took for me.

I'm also going to ask you a question that my therapist asked me. It's going to sound like a horrible question, but it's not actually as horrible as it might seem. My therapist asked me this: What's the real or perceived benefit of having the inner critic and believing what it tells you?

Think about it.

For me, listening to my inner cirtic means i never have to grieve. It's all my fault. I don't have to face the grief of what was lost that wasn't my fault and/or under my control. I get to buy into a false belief that I have more power or control than I actually do. Listening to my inner critic keeps me "safer." I tend to be so ashamed I pull away from others and don't feel worthy of risking with others. It's an indirect way of setting a boundary with myself and others. It also keeps me in a loop of self perpetration. I'm basically being an abusive asshole to myself with the crap I tell myself. That let's me take on the perp and victim role and try to be in control. It also keeps me in relationship with the person, if only in my mind, as I think horrible things about myself because of real mistakes i have made in relationships. It keeps me stuck - and this means I don't have to face the anxiety of change.

I know it's really strange to talk about the "benefit" of the extremely painful experience of battling an inner critic. However, looking at and identifying "benefits" of listening to an inner critic can help begin to find a new path that quiets down that inner critic.

For me, I learned how to manage the waves of grief better and my inner critic got a little quieter. For me, I learned how to hold better internal and external boundaries, and the inner critic died down a little more. I also learned to replace what the inner critic told me with healthier thoughts that helped me shift out of shame and more into new behaviors.

Do you think it's simply an unhealthy attachment/me projecting my stuff or does it sound like what happened between us was a discrete traumatizing incident?

I feel awful about my part - the making her jealous and abandonment (ending the relationship). I feel that it must have been so damaging for her self esteem, I basically feel as though I have probably given her PTSD.

You didn't describe anything that caused Criterion A trauma to her, so no, it's extremely unlikely she developed PTSD from this relationship.

I would also add that you also don't actually have the power to make someone else feel anything, and your are not responsible for her jealousy and other feelings she may have towards you.

The only thing you have any power and control over is you. You are only responsible for you and your actions. You were clearly struggling with serious PTSD, emotional dysregulation, attachment issues, etc. Was it easy for her to handle? Probably not always. Did you make mistakes? Probably sometimes. We are all only human. Everyone makes mistakes.

But here's the thing, it was her choice to stay in relationship with you through all that she did. Absolutely 100% her choice. It was also 100% her responsibility to mange herself and hold her own boundaries.

It actually does her a disservice to try to be this responsible for her actions, feelings, and choices. It lessens her power to take responsibility for how she feels. Let her feel what she feels and work towards letting go of responsibility for it. Focus on taking responsibility for only what you do and feel.

As far as addressing the mistakes themselves, there are two ways to make amends. One is to verbally express making amends to the person. This should only be done when it's beneficial to that person. It's not clear to me that it would be. I agree with others, and I think you can let go of trying to make verbal amends to her.

The second way to make amends is actually more important. It's working towards behavioral change. You are doing that tremendously hard work. I am guessing that your inner critic was present around the time this relationship happened and probably even fueled some of the things you did... and yet here you are seeking to find a new way to do thing and how to get there. You are actually tackling many of the other huge issues that played a role that many never have the courage to even approach or admit. You are already doing the work of making any amends you need to make now.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Justmehere You reminded me of something that I discovered about myself. My negative self-talk protects me from being rejected, which in turn protects me from being abandoned, and I believe that we are hard-wired to associate abandonment with the possibility of death.

 

[NatBird]

I really deeply struggle with a robust inner critic that gets extra fuel from really difficult/re-tr...

Hello Justmehere

Thank you for your response.

Resource --

Trauma Focused CBT. I will follow this up.
Was this used alongside doing grief work or as general approach to improve relationship with ones self?

Up until that last few days I've been managing to be very kind to myself. I am changing at a rapid pace. Now that I'm no longer in the fog I notice the IC goes ballistic when a shift is about to happen, it chews me up.
I'm sensing that resources you and Mal Content have guided me to could help manage this when it comes on. My meditation/mindfulness practice helped A LOT to the point that I felt like it had near gone. This is rusty as I started to find practice made flashbacks worse.

The Benefit --

Thank you for guiding me to reflect on this again. I wrote about this in my trauma diary a few days ago. I can see that the pay off is the illusion of control and maintaining shame. The latest fog seems like it was a
campaign to get me to put perfectionism back in as my engine (mostly there's just a hole there now)
I've been consistently saying to 'perfectionism', 'no I'm not going to put you back in' and working hard at being kind - hoping to create and engine from kindness, compassion. Perhaps this is where the resources you and Mal guided me towards will help.

Grieving & Inner Critic --
Thank you for sharing your experience as it has helped me to locate where I am in this process.
I'm definitely grieving and have been for the first time in my life for the last six months. I'm also actively working a grief recovery process - which I totally forgot until I read what you wrote!
The last week I've cried and become angry more than I ever have. Since 17 I haven't been able to access tears, now they come all the time and the deep sobbing kind that I remember from the most distressing times of my childhood.

I've really been feeling the losses. There's a whole new layer of acknowledgement happening, it's devastating. As well as finally grieving the loss of that relationship. I didn't even acknowledge it as a loss seven years back it was only with re engagement in the last two-half years.
I've only now started to notice and be angry with a lot of the way she treated me. (Via grief recovery activities) Up until recently I never allowed myself to feel or think about it For various reasons I don't know what to do, how to cope with the anger, and how to cope with being hurt by someone else so I turn it on myself, to regain control, 'it's your fault', enter Inner Critic.

There's a lot breaking through the illusion of control and I guess why my IC fogged me out after such a long time.
When it comes over me like this, at volume 10, I'm in some kind of flashback mode and I just think it is real. Re visiting Pete Walker's work helped a bit too, except I could hardly read the words, the writing was swimming!

What do you do when an IC storm comes? Can you recognise it straight away? Do you practice affirming/positive (my words) self-talk you mentioned above?

Thank you again for bringing my attention to the grieving.
What kind of support did you/do you have for the grieving process?
What do you do that helps to hold you?
I'm asking because I wonder if I'm trying to do too much with too little..(I'm also doing trauma releasing exercises as well)

Mistakes --
Everyone makes mistakes..thank you for reminding me.
I can see now from what I wrote and how, that it's driven by really distorted thinking, and that punishing voice. Yes, they were mistakes but nowhere near as bad as what the IC tells me.
I'm crying as I write this --it's so painful to have this thing that is so mean and antagonistic towards me. To think that this must be on some level what I went through is awful.
(Now it tells me 'stop being a victim'.)

The Amends & Responsibility --
thank you again. Yes, I can see that I just need to focus on me. Plus forgot that I'd already made an amends as best as I could for my part, a while back! (The IC really fogs me out) And really don't need to apologise for not going back into a destructive situation. That's the guilt for saying 'no'.

I also sense this has come up so strong because I'm now in closer proximity to her, to visibility, to CHANGE!

//

I know it went on, and you weren't asking for a reply. I just wanted to share my process and engagement with your comments.
I'm aware I said thanks a lot and I sincerely mean it.

 

[NatBird]

@Justmehere You reminded me of something that I discovered about myself. My neg...

Thanks for making the link between the IC and avoiding abandonment explicit.
I'm really grateful for the thoughts and feeedback. It really helps.

 

[NatBird]

I feel as though I've been a mouse in the IC's mouth and now it's had it's fun I'm just this collapsed, limp, near dead thing on the floor.
It really rags me out!

Truth is I'm sad, deeply sad...

 

[NatBird]

Nat, last year I found this TED talk that refers to an online self-help game called Superbetter. I...

Hi Mal Content

I just checked out the link. I got to the first exercise and failed. It required moving and I just can't get up. Maybe I'll try on going to the bathroom. Aw, I feel like such a loser. Anyway, thought I might share my 'progress'!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Oh, Nat, I'm sorry! Are you physically unable to get up? :(. Or are you feeling too sad to get up?