Anyone experience new trauma after defeating dissociation?

[Suzetig]

No pressure at all. What happened was that my mum died, very suddenly and unexpectedly, I definitely experienced that as trauma. Her death triggered of a whole string of family dynamics that were very controlling and frankly quite abusive - so I had old pre-existing trauma flare up at the same time.

I was very detached and numb for a good week or two (the period when I was in the depths of dealing with my family) and then started to feel the emotions attached to it all - the grief, anger, relief, sadness, confusion etc. That initial period of numbness is a very usual reaction to death, it wasn’t maladaptive because it enabled me to get through all the enforced family stuff, the funeral etc in one piece. When I did allow myself to feel it, it was very hard going and still is but I dont feel myself holding on to it the way I still can hold on to earlier trauma if that makes sense.

In terms of how that happened, I actually don’t know - I’ve been working on this stuff for years and I guess I think it’s a sign of wider recovery. One thing that has helped is really feeling whatever I feel about old trauma, trying not to feel scared of feelings - knowing the feelings might be hard, but they are just feelings - they can’t kill me. Practicing not fighting how I’m feeling, actively sitting with myself and seeing how I feel, crying, shouting, etc if I need to and allowing myself permission to be ok with that.

Dissociation is one of those things that the more you push against it, the stronger it gets because it’s a defense mechanism and pushing against yourself feels like a threat to be defended against. So lots of self acceptance and distress tolerance strategies along with being open to however you’re feeling might be a way forward?

 

[Abstract]

@Suzetig thank you and sorry it took me so long to come back to this. Thanks for sharing. What you describe sounds very functional to me. You didn't dissociate to the point of not having enough awareness of what was happening. You seemed to have still been in touch of that and could therefore make good decisions. You later processed the feelings that you needed to. Well done and I'm sorry about your mother and know f'd up family dynamics makes these things complicated. Emotions complicated too.

Thank you all so so much. I really appreciate the wisdom shared. I felt quite a lot better about this after this thread. Then had a downward slip again. Your answers are all excellent and enlightening and highlight some things I am struggling with more recently. If I am honest with myself I am not doing terribly well at self care or facing emotions presently. Maybe that is a bit harsh and black and white actually. I am still not dissociating. Still keeping myself present. That is a big deal. I am also doing the basics, am not self harming, am managing to work etc. I'm sleeping way more than I used to. I am still struggling to really allow my feelings and was better at this in the past and some self care. Had 4 incidents of eating disorder behaviour I haven't had in 7 years and thought I was totally over. Am struggling to allow myself rest but am exhausted. The idea of a possible trauma occurring and how I would deal with it without dissociation comes around in cycles. I just need to keep re reading this thread. I also need to stop myself from using some other dysfunctional thing to deal with my emotions now that dissociation is leaving this gap. Darn emotions. I know the role they have an blah blah but... Just wish we could take a holiday from them.

In a nutshell I need to keep checking in on this as it still bothers me. I also need to somehow get back to dealing with my emotions and self care in a healthier way. In some ways I am very healthy at present but that;s not the whole truth. In other ways I am not and I'm not even entirely sure of why that is happening. I feel self destructive. There are a few things going on in my life at present and I guess one of them may be part of this.