Anyone Have Trouble Squaring Their Functionality And How Bad They Feel?

[theshadowoftheliving]

Anyone else have trouble squaring their level of functioning with how they feel?

I'm really high functioning. From the outside I look like have my life together - high powered career, laundry list of accomishments and awards, several college degrees, lots of friends. But I also feel so, so broken and suffer from PTSD and depression and lately have been thinking about taking my own life.

I don't feel like my level of distress is taken seriously by professionals. It's like they look at me and I seem together enough that I couldn't possibly feel that bad.

Anyone else struggle with this? How do you get taken seriously without falling apart completely?

 

[scout86]

How do you get taken seriously without falling apart completely?

I think you find the right therapist. I've gone nearly my whole life being the go to person in an emergency because I was afraid of what would happen otherwise. I haven't accomplished the stuff I probably could or should have, but I suspect most people think I have my act together. (Although I'm not always sure exactly what other people are thinking or seeing.) But, was also in that "I wonder what it would be like to die?" place before starting therapy. My T, near as I can tell, is not easily fooled. And I think he probably takes everyone seriously. And, if he thinks you actually ARE making mountains out of mole hills, he'd probably say so. He's the right person, for me, at least. But I think the answer is to find someone like that.

BTW, you might also want to consider the possibility that YOU aren't taking yourself seriously. You actually deserve to get the help it takes to be the best possible version of yourself, even if you ARE externally successful.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I'm not really sure what would be the answer to the last question... It's like, if you are high.functioning you are also completely stable and have no reason to feel bad. I had a suciide attempt and I was just being accused of attention seeking. It's hard to find people who understand

 

[Ronin]

When I'm on high achieving, I tend to be so absorbed in my responsibilities I don't have time for petty nonsense & don't give a f*ck what people think.

When I'm low or giving up on achieving, I tend to be enough busy with catching up to present life I also don't give a f*ck what people think, and nonsense is extra draining thing I just don't have spoons for or interest in.

Then there's a space when I just push myself to achieve & pretend & I've got D.I.D. for those things. I can believe I'm happy & all is well with the state of things, it doesn't bother me when I really slip into persona for whatever I'm needing to move with at the moment. It bothers me only when I slip out of it. Which can be years or decades later.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think it's exactly that, @Saelben. People assume that I must not feel badly, or that I'm jut looking for attention, because they can't imagine how someone could still function if they felt bad. Hell, even the DSM implies that disorders aren't real if they don't cause "functional impairment."

And yes, @scout86 i think part of the problem is that I have trouble taking myself seriously. I have trouble not listening to the logic of the people who assume I must be fine, plus, after a while it's hard to sort out what is normal and what isn't.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I think it's exactly that, @Saelben. People assume that I must not feel...

It's just a whole bunch of functioning, and then you suddenly go boom and nobody knows why sort of thing...

 

[Brokensoul88]

I feel the same, I had a phone mental health interview with NHS and although my online Assesment scores were really high for anxiety & depression. She basically said you're managing to still go to work so that's good and what it felt like she was saying was, you're not off sick so it can't be as bad as you say! I go to work yes but I never feel myself, I can't express myself verbally so anytime my boss says do you want to talk because I have told her I'm having a bad day I cannot get across how I feel. I was off sick for 3 months some time ago but it didn't make me any better which is why I go to work. Really feel for you shadowoftheliving. I have the same pain right now.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Cashew I relate to what you say about slipping into a persona. When I'm functioning, I'm also emotionally numb and everything seems fine - I have trouble acknowledging otherwise. I have to crash and burn (which happens once every few days atleast) in order to consider that accidentally cutting my wrists when I'm dissociated and upset isn't a good idea.

 

[Glara]

My sufferer is like that. Very intelligent, and engineer. Successful and hardworking. I think some of his success is to due to the PTSD. He doesn't do drugs or drink much (but he looks like he does, tattooed biker look). He's a workaholic, he uses work to feel productive. His appearance is to intimidate, because he feels unsafe. He also collects guns. I think these are all part of his PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@theshadowoftheliving
I can totally relate, when I'm just stable enough to work, I work to delay the feelings as much as possible, and then it hits me when I'm done working

 

[Friday]

I think @scout86 has the right of it!

Can things always get worse? Resounding yes. The most high functioning person in the world can be brought to completely nonfunctional given the right series of unfortunate events. But it doesn't matter a lick how much worse it can get if you're dead.

And there are -I've learned- these windows of time, these golden periods, to treat trauma. One is at the tippy top: when you're stable. Have income to support you, employment to engage you/support you, have a network of people in your life (professional or personal, ideally both) to support you... In short a life capable of sustaining taking the hard blow that treating trauma is going to knock you with for a time. If a person's life isn't stable enough, and they aren't functional enough? ((Unless you're at the complete other end)) No therapy should be attempted. Person has to stabilize first. ((I've kicked over this one, and kicked hard, but have finally come to see the wisdom, ethics, & common dang sense in it. Sigh.)) So that's another weird piece of this. It's like "Yo! We need to do this while we still can!" SMH.

...the only piece of devils advocacy I'll play here is to be very careful of seeking sympathy instead of seriousness. I hate sympathy, & Ive done this. :facepalm: Seen others do it countless times. To be very clear, I'm not saying you are mistaking the two, it's just a lesson I've learned in my own life, to ask myself 'if I think I'm not being taken seriously because someone isn't oozing sympathy at me?' (Especially because I think I'm all exempt & shit because I hate it. But pain twists things. & Shit happens.) Sympathy doesn't do a shred of good, and can often do a helluva lot of harm. <grin> This is one of the best damn things I've ever read on it Sympathy - It Is Creeping Back Here

 

[BlueOrange]

I don't feel like my level of distress is taken seriously by professionals. It's like they look at me and I seem together enough that I couldn't possibly feel that bad.

How did you form that assessment? I accept that they are not giving you the signals that you would understand to mean "I am taking you seriously." I don't yet know whether the problem is the signals they are sending, or whether your expectations of those signals are out of alignment with the way that mental health professionals behave.