Childhood Anyone know anything about C-PTSD ?

[Mr Man]

Hey learned friends, I would appreciate your experience on C-PTSD as I’m relatively new to it.

I fell ill January 2013 and thats when the CPTSD diagnosis came, but the diagnosis related back to childhood (long time ago). So I'm wonding why I'm still ill 5 years on. I had blanked out much of my childhood, so I guess I had a heck of a lot of bad memories to process. Also my CPTSD came from being bullied daily by someone with Bordeline Personality Disorder (BPD) and a Sadistic Narcassist (NPD). Physical and mental abuse. I attempted suicide age 10 and ran away from home age 12. I only managed 2 weeks sleeping rought though and when I returned I found no one was allowed to go to the Police or search for me, because this would embarrass my BPD mother. Everyone was scared stiff of those two and on my return I was made to sleep in the dark cellar, no mattress. That’s how they rolled.

After processing all this, does that mean I should be mended long term ? I had a breakdown 16 years before the January one, but that time I wasn’t diagnosed and just took 4 months off work. Still finding my way with C-PTSD, any and all tips appreciated. I should also say my Dad (the one that didn’t abuse me) died last year, and I lost my only helpful member of my FOO. I struggle with the fact, bad things happened to the good people in my home, and the evil ones got away with it. My sister is still in denial, too painful for her, which means she invalidates my belief. Any and all advise or comments are welcome.

 

[Missycat]

Hey @Mr Man
Im sorry that you had to go through what you went through and it was brave of you to share.
I would love to be able to answer all your questions , sadly i cant but what i can tell you is that i understand how you feel as i too have cptsd. I can tell you that i suffered for years without diagnosis and although im still healing , i did get help and having the diagnosis give me some form of understanding and put me on the healing path/journey.
On the home page you will find some updates/ info re ptsd/cptsd and on the forums either under ‘childhood’ or ‘therapy/treatment’ you will find alot of information and experience from other sufferers.
Are you in therapy / treatment?
I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

 

[Lucycat]

I feel like I know a LOT about CPTSD - from the inside that is! I was diagnosed with it almost 9 years ago. I had about 7 years of therapy and now it is sitting on the back burner. It rears its ugly head now and again, but on a daily basis is no longer a major problem.

Like you @Mr Man I suffered for many years as a child and had no idea why I was different to other people. The diagnosis explained a lot, but also unearthed a can of worms. My therapist says it takes as long to treat CPTSD as it does to get it. I was abused for a period of 7 years - so that made sense to me.

But it never actually goes away. You learn how to manage it. How to avoid the pitfalls that are triggers and how to self care.

 

[Mr Man]

Thank you so much for your kind responses, MissyCat and LucyCat, cats rule. I was abused for 16 years, but of course once you do leave home, they keep it alive by triggering you. I got mine from two people with a Personality Disorder, they are expert predators.

The bit I struggle with is knowing they’ve gotten away with it all. Having family members believe that all the bruises were because I was clumsy. My NPD bro has used the date rape drug on me, got (he was permanently jealous of someone) robbed me blind on several occasions, and murder two of my pets (he had great cover sotries). But according to his BPD mum, every negative or bad thing every said about him (thats most things) is wrong. But heres the scary thing, other family members are scared stiff of my BPD, so they just agree with. And her daily nagging/proganda does work. They got away with it and I keep reliving the arguments against them. Sometimes on a daily basis, I write things like this, evidencing and exposing their appalling behaviour, but I never send. There’s no one to send it too. Locally people keep away from the scary lady (my BPD) and the NPD has live alone his whole life, they doubly keep away from him. How do I stop this repeative behaviour ?

If I reduce the stress in my life, would that be enough ? My C-PTSD only becomes bad when stressed.

 

[Missycat]

I imagine its a struggle for all ‘survivors’ dealing with the fact that the perpertrators ‘got away / get away with it’ . Some report others report many years later and some dont report at all. I found going into therapy gave me my voice and i felt listenened to and believed. I was too afraid to raise anything when the abuse was happening , i also had and still have the belief of it being my fault .. Are you in a position to report their actions ? Do you want to? Do you have to have contact with them?

 

[Mach123]

I imagine its a struggle for all ‘survivors’ dealing with the fact that the perpertrators ‘got away / get away with it’ . Some report others report many years later and some dont report at all. I found going into therapy gave me my voice and i felt listenened to and believed. I was too afraid to raise anything when the abuse was happening , i also had and still have the belief of it being my fault .. Are you in a position to report their actions ? Do you want to? Do you have to have contact with them?

I agree the "I didn't have a voice" thing is one of the biggest things. I couldn't stop it, then later I was so submissive and I couldn't ask for things. Abused me was not allowed to speak ever. So that turned into "I want you to keep punishing me." I couldn't say anything, I just could continue to act that out silently.

Now there is another part of me with a voice but I'm not sure who that is. All this takes a really long time.

The slow reality of how this works, how you get yourself back, how it dawns on you, the way you were acting and reacting, and finding someone who can help you understand.

All I can do is try and be available for me, and anyone else trying to deal with this that wants to get well. I think it's a hellacious struggle because the abuse/abuser internalised wants you never to speak, never to tell. It's a process.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t think you’re going to heal as long as you keep these people in your life.

It’s like continuously hitting your toes with a hammer and wondering why they are still broken.

 

[Mr Man]

Thanks for your wonderful responses.

@EveHarrington I have been no contact (NC) with the violent NPD for 20 years, and just stopped a 4 year NC with the BPD, because I was trying to test if I had healed enough, also I don’t really have any other family. I have a sister who says this is all too painfull and there is no such thing as a mother that can not love. She had a bad eating disorder, and also struggles with this all. The problem is the BPD dynamic is designed to set your children against each other, stops them teaming up against you or comparing notes. This allows you to pump false news around the group (Trump is considered NPD).

@Mach123 This quote “All I can do is try and be available for me, and anyone else trying to deal with this that wants to get well.” Made me smile. No love from the NPD / BPD carers so I didn’t know the term unconditional love (even though I have this for my own kids) or that mothers should have this, until recently. It's wonderful to be reminded most humans have this. Every time I’ve called the Samaritains, I am in ore with their unconditional love for others.

@Missycat, It happened over 40 years ago. I have no evidence, other than friends who would say they were very scary people. My friends saw the screaming and abusive language, but that’s not enough to go to court on. Because my BPD used gas lighting a lot, she had convinced me and my sister we have terrible memories and everyone has a different memory. But my friends always seemed to have the same memory of shared events, so I now realise I don’t have a bad memory. Trouble is my sister won’t accept an human can lack empathy, and insists all mothers love.

The other problem is, if you met me, you would never believe I had the childhood I had. When I have told my friends, I know one has pulled away a bit. I wonder if they assume “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” or if my violent NPD will set upon them, because he is pretty scary and terrifying when you hear what he’s capable off. So I guess I will just contest the will. My BPD triangulated, but her favouritism was quiet obvious and easy to evidence. There won’t be much to contest, but it would be the only recognition of the abuse. But my NPD has to fight everything, so maybe I'll just represent myself in order to burn his money on lawyers. But I'm thinking, this battle has been lost, walk away and forget.

I'm guessing, forgiveness is the way. Recognising those two had a mental health problem, and none of their behaviour was personal. And do like Mach123 suggests, and fight the good fight by helping others. Would that work ?

 

[Starfish]

I feel like I know a LOT about CPTSD - from the inside that is! I was diagnosed with it almost 9 years ago. I had about 7 years of therapy and now it is sitting on the back burner. It rears its ugly head now and again, but on a daily basis is no longer a major problem.

Like you @Mr Man I suffered for many years as a child and had no idea why I was different to other people. The diagnosis explained a lot, but also unearthed a can of worms. My therapist says it takes as long to treat CPTSD as it does to get it. I was abused for a period of 7 years - so that made sense to me.

But it never actually goes away. You learn how to manage it. How to avoid the pitfalls that are triggers and how to self care.

I have CPTSD. It is daily a lot of work to not be triggered and go down the long dark hole. I have made progress; i don’t stay depressed for long periods of time anymore. I notice if I have a good day or so with fewer symptoms (because I have worked through a lot), I will think I must be getting “better”. I start thinking of “normal” scenarios that I would like to be involved in. Then I find these thoughts triggers me into a downward cycle. I realize a part of me thinks I am all better and none of the dysfunction applies anymore just because I had a few better than average days, not hassled by the dysfunctional thoughts. Pete Walker is my go to author on CPTSD. He describes a lifetime of “one step forward, two steps backwards” as a normal scenario when it comes to this condition. When I get thrown off my saddle it usually takes a few hours or days to realize that my expectation of full recovery has gotten in my way.

 

[Mr Man]

Hey Crushed, thanks for the reality check. What I struggle with is people around saying "just snap out of it." or "I would never have let that happen to me." then I say "What age 6 you could stop someone hitting you with a metal bar ?" and they're "But there's no metal bar now.". lol. Then you say "Hitler, Trump they're got millions of people to believe their rubbish and they're adults, what chance does a child have ? "Not me mate, no one would ever have me over." then next week they lose their money trying to collect a check from a Nigeria lottery they never entered. All this denial enables the dysfunctional behavior. Harley anyone I know in the NHS knows much about BPD, and they don't know, why on earth should anyone else ? They've not got the money for treatment, so no point even diagnosing. Everyone gets 8 - 12 weeks of therapy. Anyway, moan over, that felt good. I'm sure it will all be wonderful.