Childhood Anyone Need Motherly Love?

[Thinkbig]

Yup. Totally have transference issues with the one person that truly seems to care. Older female. I really want to be angry at myself for not controlling my feelings better but I am trying to have compassion and understand that transference is all about trying to recreate my trauma and not getting what I needed as a child.
@Brenton About the sex, I finally had to ask myself if how I was acting out was really what I wanted. You said you haven't done that in 15 yrs so maybe you have come to the same conclusion. I was just hurting myself. Really all I wanted was someone to love me, but that got all messed up with sex

 

[katz]

If anyone is interested. I have a very similar problem. I had very little emotional support from either one of my parents--or siblings for that matter. I am between therapists now and have been doing a lot of reading on how to cope with my "demons".

I came across a book that has giving me a different perspective on my mother and her lack of love. I wasn't sure that I wanted to read it, but I started it just to see what it was like. I have been reading it for a few days now, off and on. It really gave me a new way to view what a "mother" is. The book talks about how an emotional mother is something that everyone needs, but so few people get. As I was reading, I started to cry because I realized that this is what I needed the most. I have always wondered where all my anger is for all the terrible people / things that happened to me. This book showed me why I wasn't feeling the anger and fury.

I was yearning for this "mother love" that I never got. I have found that this "love" is what I've been looking for, for so, so, long. I had never thought of the idea that I wanted someone to love me for "just being me". Someone to "want me", while not needing or expecting anything in return from me. I actually sat back and wondered if something like this even exists ! (It would be too good to be true!) I had to get up to go get tissue for myself as my tears slowly started flowing down my cheeks, from sadness - and from relief.

I'm only part of the way thru the book, but the reading is very enlightening for me. It has lessons in it for me to think about or write about. It talks about how to find this "child love" that I missed. The book explains that we all deserve it and we are all entitled to it. I will let you know how things are going, as I read more.

"The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin Cori

 

[Mafia_Science]

I think I can relate. Just a while ago, I realized that a large amount of the people that are closest to me are like parental roles, especially men. I don't know if it's normal or not, but it's nothing weird.

The adults that are closest to me have acted like parents to me. They're mainly coaches and teachers that I bonded with on a personal level, but I live in such a small community that many of the teachers are neighbors or are somehow involved in my life in other ways.

A lot of them took on a protective stance for me, and taught me lessons that other kids never learned. In a way, I'm kind of glad that my parents never cared about me. It makes me a better person to have better role models than my parents could be, even though both would be pretty good role models if they just cared about me more. My father was a very successful person.

I don't think it's wrong at all to crave the parental affection that you never got, as long as it's not sexual.

 

[katz]

I luckily had a pair of grandparents who "took me under their wing". Amazingly, it was my mothers parents! (How odd?)
They listened to me and make me feel like I was someone special, (however, I never told them my "secrets"). I was always welcome to come by, even stay the night if I chose too. I can look back now and see how obvious it was that this was "home" to me.

I once asked my grandma "what kind of mattress is this? I always sleep so much better on it." She laughed and said "it's just a JC Penny mattress?. I look back now and can completely understand why I slept so well on "that" bed.....I was safe. I knew that no one would come creeping into my bedroom to take me away to another room.....

I miss them both sooooo much!

I also had a group of friends who were there for me, just like brothers and sisters were supposed to be. I was closer to them that anyone else. They knew everything about me. I miss them also. :(

 

[Brenton]

Yup. Totally have transference issues with the one person that truly seems to care. Older female. I rea...

Hi there
I did realize its destructive nature, so I did cut it out 15 yrs ago, but I did it all for the affection - not the sex. I gave myself away just so they'd spend time with me.
Its good to be around people that understand

 

[Thinkbig]

Hi there
I did realize its destructive nature, so I did cut it out 15 yrs ago, but I did it all for the...

Yes! I totally understand! I had to learn as you did to respect myself more than to just give away pieces of myself to people that didn't care that in reality it was hurting me.

Don't give up searching for someone who will give you the Affection you need without it being tied to sex. People that truly want to help are so hard to find but they are out there!

 

[Thinkbig]

I was yearning for this "mother love" that I never got. I have found that this "love" is what I've been looking for, for so, so, long. I had never thought of the idea that I wanted someone to love me for "just being me". Someone to "want me", while not needing or expecting anything in return from me. I actually sat back and wondered if something like this even exists !

This! I love all of this. I was hurt at such a young age that I basically shut out my mom. (To this day I want to hate her but have no idea why) I read about this somewhere as being equivalent to neglect when we don't feel safe enough to process the trauma and so become the one that shuts out everyone. Same result. I felt abandoned.

That to say, my need for pre-verbal semantic affection (being held, heart to heart communication and eye gazing) is through the roof. Leads to alot if transference issues.

All it seems we want is to be loved, no strings attached.

So glad you are perusing this!

 

[katz]

This! I love all of this. I was hurt at such a young age that I basically shut out my mom. (To this day...

I was hurt at a very young age also. My first two "demons" are both in the family. I don't have too many times that I remember as being ... warm, soft, comfortable--like a mom should be.

I was reading about how some mothers don't want to be mothers at all. Even after they have the baby-that they "always wanted". It is too much or it was just a dream to have a perfect child. ( I don't know) But, I found out--from my mom--that all my brothers and sisters and I were all "accidents". I have thought about this statement many times and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. It is an odd thing to tell your child--isn't it? (Even if they are all grown up?)

This made me go back and look at some of the old family pictures. I think that both my folks were happy singles, and neither of them wanted a "family".

 

[DreamLover]

I certainly do.

I am perplexed when people describe I suppose what are "typical" scenarios with mothers: their mother buying them a gift out of the blue, or visiting them to support them through something difficult, or even just a mother expressing love and affection. It's hard for me to accept that I did not get the "mothering" experience I (and all people) deserve. I have no idea how to find it now, either.

 

[Gs172003]

My mom lives across the street from me. I still never see her. She never calls, id invite her to things and shed only stay for ten minutes etc. The only reason I bought this house was I thought I would have a "family". Not.

 

[RavenGirl]

@missy meier , maybe it would be more therapeutic to sell the house and move. That way you aren't constantly reminded every day of what you don't have. Not that I think you're going to forget, but at least it's not right there in your face day after day. :hug: s if you'll accept. Raven

 

[Gs172003]

We will be at some point. Right now it isn't financially possible. But I'm starting to accept that she will never be the kind of mom I've hoped for. It is what it is.