Anyone Not The Norm And Welcomes Danger?

[xena21]

I am curious to see if anyone is close to being like me. I know most people who experience trauma are afraid of the outside world and have every right to be. They experience all kinds of symptoms that would make anyone want to separate themselves from others. The thing is, with me, I also have many of those same symptoms...flashbacks, nightmares, alertness at the smallest sound, jumpiness at anything different, etc.

You name it, my symptoms are pretty much how the book explains it...EXCEPT I welcome people to try and attack me physically. I have every confidence in myself. I don't care who it is. Some 7 foot 300 pound phenom wants to try, come and get it. I welcome anyone who wants to try and attack me. I don't care about myself physically. It's so weird that way. I will fight to the death in my physical state. I just don't care. It's my psychological issues that get me every time. I can't set boundaries like I do with my physical self. For some reason, I am afraid to set psychological boundaries, and that is the main reason I stay away from everyone. I am not afraid of people physically, it is mentally that they scare me.

 

[contaminated]

I'm kind of the same way. I will go out of my way to find danger.
It's not like I want to be hurt exactly, I'm just too numb to care about myself.

For instance I knew of this area in my town (and it's a very safe town,) but the area is full of drug dealers and rapists.
I went for a walk there after being badly lied about. I was highly depressed and emotionally numb so I just didn't care what would happen to me.

I think us people with PTSD likely don't care about what happens to us physically, because we've suffered enough in the past- we almost think we're invincible.
Sorry if I don't make much sense, I'm very out of it and I've had a lot of coffee today...which, needless to say, didn't help.

 

[Ronin]

Danger is familiar.
Danger is welcome. Danger makes sense.

It's all those 'totally normal' and 'totally polite' interactions that are scary as f*ck.

 

[CoolBlue]

Sometimes danger does feel more honest. I have an "I got this" feeling if there's a truly scary situation that requires me to actually be on high alert (tornado warnings, dangerous part of town, etc.). It's a weird welcome relief from the constantly swirling anxious thoughts about dangers that don't necessarily exist. I always think I should be some kind of crisis worker.

 

[RussH]

Sometimes we can do things that are dangerous it is called high risk behavior. It is listed as one of the symptoms of PTSD. I think, at least for some, it is a way of trying t punnish ourselves, or even responding to a deep-seated death wish, but this is a guess, and it may be different for others.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Could it be overcompensating for difficulty in the interrelationship with others on a mental level?

 

[MaybeOneDay]

I agree with @RussH I know I am not bothered by the fact something bad could happen to me. I know that at the time I am doing something that will or possibly could end badly, I am not aware or conscious of this outcome.

But it has been pointed out to me by others that this is my motivation for stepping into unsafe situations.

I only wish I could know for sure, but I am always unable to tell you why I did it if questioned at that time. If questioned later, I really dont remember.

*edited for spelling

 

[arfie]

Used to be that way; forever out to prove that I need not to fear The Valley of Death 'cause I was the meanest female dog in The Valley.

Now I think I was simply addicted to chaos. I still don't fear much of what popular press calls dangerous, but I no longer enjoy conflict. Acknowledging my fears - custom as they may be - no longer makes me feel vulnerable.

 

[Friday]

Yah, sure, you betcha. Confirmed adrenaline junkie, here.

f*ck it, Fight it, Faster, & Oblivion are my preferred coping mechanisms... And each are as unhealthy as hiding in a closet during a thunderstorm. As @Kaia said, it's all the normal polite things that are scary. Give me a war zone any day of the week over Parent Teacher Conferences. I'll take a high speed chase through the mountains for days in rain, slush, snow, and ice rather than have to make sure a bill is paid by the 30th. It's "normal" that's scary, that I can't handle.

 

[franciemarnie]

Insides match the outsides when in real danger or courting danger. If I am not dissociating at some level, I am often in emergency mode. That creates a cognitive and visceral dissonance that becomes intolerable when life around me is normal and safe. I used to seek out (unconsciously) dangerous situations. Then everything was consistent and I could sort of relax.

Now I work out instead. Or find something to focus my considerable energies on. Too many years of trouble - it wasn't a good thing.

I also try to bring my insides down to match the external environment thru meditation, etc. Though first I usually need to work out to calm my body/brain down.

 

[Philippa]

I've been told by more than one person that I can't live without conflict. I used to be much more confrontational about 20 years ago...these days I am a bit more mellow, but still that way. I take a lot of risks with my physical body, and whilst I strive to respect myself and value myself, I do have that part that comes up and sabotages my efforts and just doesn't care. I have to pick a fight with the bank man over a loan I still owe that I know I have to pay, just to feel some kind of conflict there...which I know would be unnecessary if I just paid the loan on time, but when I don't have the money, and he keeps hounding me for it then I cannot help but point out the stupidity of the conversation...which leads him to bite his tongue. This is just a recent example.

Apart from this though, downhill mountain bike racing is my all time fave sport. Adrenaline junkie right here.

 

[Ronin]

What Francie said about matching the internal/external. Except I need to get hands on and physical about things because basically nothing else will get that level of discordance away for a while. I tend to try being analytical, bring myself back to the mode I'm simply tacticizing in about my surroundings and planning up next moves like a conscious action, because I've learned simply reflexive in a situation of pretty different surroundings will just get me feeling gaslighted and very confused why the f*ck is everything so calm and different pace.

Also found music helps that for a while. Focus on differently flowing something, even if it's not exactly my surroundings, it calms the kinetic jitters and need to constantly *do* something.