Physical contact, a lot more hugs, being HELD for a looong time(without it leading to sex), and more attention.. Admiration and validation and love really. Like when a small child is the center of two loving parents affection.. (never got that)
After all that I would like good sex. With someone who stayed and loved me for me. I would also want more money, so the daily life wouldn't be such a struggle to cope and so full if stress and fear of not coping(should something happen I couldn't afford).
My therapist would be thrilled to hear that I want/long for physical contact.. Most times I don't feel in contact with the needs I've shut down for such a long time.
The only problem is that I neither trust my own judgment when it comes to people nor feel enough trust to let anyone give me much physical contact. And I also know that. when I do try to let someone close old the fear kickstarts old programming- and I go into "shut-down-all-emotions-have-sex-mood"- without the other person ever noticing that I'm gone.. And I can't go through that again- it messes everything up so badly!
Also- I know I'm acting like a small child when it comes to this 'see-me-hear-me-look-at-me-admire-me"-thing.. Sigh. I know I shouldn't act like that, thus I shy away from people even more sometimes because I'm scared of making a fool of my self and hurting other people's feelings.
Isn't this fun shit, being this damaged?? :( I don't know how to handle this. It feels like such a hopeless situation..
