Apathy And Lack Of Motivation

[ms spock]

There is no truer statement than this regarding depression and PTSD-related emotional flashbacks. No matter what the truth is, it gets colored by the trauma, and it takes an iron will to remember that those feelings are not part of the present, but the past.

I've tried making "positive" lists, but those things have never worked for me. Cognitively, I'm well aware of "the truth", but it will take quite a while, I think, before I can internalize that truth emotionally. ;)

It is a curly one to get on top of and I am not on top of it so I can't make any suggestions.

 

[Pietro]

It is a curly one to get on top of and I am not on top of it so I can't make any suggestions.

I certainly understand; we're in this boat together. :) I like the expression you used -- "curly one". Never heard that before -- I need to remember it. :D

 

[KP the nut]

As my therapist kept having to remind me. BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

I would have lists of stuff I should/must do. He asked me, what would happen if they weren't done, the answer, nothing major would happen. So I cut my lists up and aimed for smaller things. You have so much happening in and you mention your kids are special needs. I can't imagine how tough that one is, but, are they able to help in some small way? Delegation is a great skill to have also equally if not more important is the ability to say NO.

I am conditioned to help others, I think so that they will like me. Now, unless I want to do it and it doesn't mean I'm pushing myself to hard I just say no. I don't go into reasons, just an I'm sorry I can't. This applies even if I don't have anything in my diary but have planned 'me time'.

No magic answer but don't aim too high and fail, smaller achievable goals are much better.

 

[saffy]

Hi Pietro

I am glad you feel more positive about things now. :)

I haven't been my authentic self since I was 5 years old, probably, if not before.

I think this is the problem with us, our authentic self has been lost under a sea of conditioning and duty. :)

However, I know you have children and you love them very much, but they too will benefit if you can find yourself. Your focus on them being part of you and what you have to plan is important and will never be put on the shelf or made second best. No one would ask that of a mother. But that is where your priorities and importance stop. They are important and so are you. You have each other and can always support and be there for each other. But even your children want to expand and find themselves. And that is what will make them lovely little individuals, with your support and encouragement and guidance.

Watching your children grow and learn is amazing eh :) I have two and two grandchildren. I have to admit I regret the time I missed with them because my focus was on other things that I thought were expected I ended up missing what was right in front of me. :)

I've made list after list after list for years. They get so big, that I just give-up on them,

I know they can be like this. But I like the fact you say you have condensed them. Lists are not supposed to be lengthy but one word to describe the nitty gritty and the important attributes you agree is needed. The rest is extended thinking and mind wandering. :)

I felt sometime I was stuck in a rut too. Sometimes you need to slow down and see just what is going on in the present moment.

I wonder if I can suggest some meditation to you? It might help with your inner conflicts and thought racing :)

http://meditation.radiantdolphinpress.com/tools.htm

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[ms spock]

I am conditioned to help others, I think so that they will like me. Now, unless I want to do it and it doesn't mean I'm pushing myself to hard I just say no. I don't go into reasons, just an I'm sorry I can't. This applies even if I don't have anything in my diary but have planned 'me time'.

That is great progress KP. I admire that you got to that point with this. That is amazing.

 

[KP the nut]

That is great progress

I think of it as a work in progress ;), but definitely worth it.

 

[ms spock]

I would like to get to that point KP.

 

[mamachick]

If this lack of motivation and apathy is part of the process of healing, I hope it comes to an end soon. As long as I stay on anti depressants, I am pretty much free of SI at least. However, I sit in bed and play games on my computer, watch tv, and just dont feel like doing much. I even forget to eat.

Sometimes I force myself to get things done for a few days but then Im exhausted and act like a nursing home patient. Just taking a shower and brushing my teeth seems to take alot out of me, but not depressed, just not motivated. Maybe I am dissociating-I dont know.

Just feels that life lacks any purpose. My dogs are happy laying here with me. I think I am so use to taking care of others (now all grown) that I dont know what I am suppose to be doing. Nothing seems important. Im so tired all the time. I hope this process is about over. I never realized that anyone could have such a hard time pushing themselves to do something.

 

[saffy]

Sometime when I get like this Brat I do nothing at all. Turn off everything and lie in the quiet for as long as it takes for me to get to the point when I am saying SOD this I need to find something to do.

Then I think of three things to do and pick just one. I allow myself to change my mind if needed but I must at least do one thing on the list. For me my list includes get outside for a start even if it is just to sit outside and see what is around me. Sit for a while doing nothing if needed.

I found after all my children left it was like an empty nest syndrome. I had no idea what to do, like you my time and effort was concentrating on others.

I had to find something I liked to do for me. Even if it meant I now have time to sit here under a tree or on a bench for as long as I like. That is ok. I'm not hurting anyone, including myself. My purpose in life was to take part in my life for a change.

My life starts now and I can try anything I like if I wanted. But for now I choose not to do anything.

Gave me time to think. I remembered always wanting to learn about taosim properly. So I started having a look for it on the net. Found out loads and gave me something to do and gave me a purpose for me.

anyway, I hope you see the pattern. I getr restless now rather than unmotivated as It seems I opened up loads of doors for me. The trick is not to get overwhelmed with stuff you feel you should be doing and just do something you think you will enjoy. If you don't thats fine also it shows you have choices to make and are listening to your needs.

I hope you can get out find something to do for you. No matter how small. :)

best wishes :) Saffy

 

[mamachick]

Thank you Saffy. Without ptsd, Im sure that is what I would be doing. I do some of those things put have no passion to follow through like I use to . Its hard to explain. I do things almost everyday, even if its a small goal like take trash out, change sheets, a load of laundry and kitchen floor. Almost every day I do force myself to complete some small goal so my house has not fallen apart. I also love having a small vegetable garden so I do try to tend to that and my flowers.

In 2006 I had a head injury and had a hard time accepting that I have trouble remembering and retaining what I read (I use to love to read). I exercised daily but seem to exchange that for smoking more. My children left for college at the same time, one in 2006, the last in 2008. In 2008 I was also in menopause, which I think has a bigger impact on what happens during this time. In 2008 I was assaulted in my own home by a cop which is what set off ptsd. I was already struggling with everything else (brain injury, a break from working, menopause, empty nest, emotional problems relating to all of this).

I think my fear of moving in any direction and getting on with my life is what keeps me doing nothing. Seperated for 10 yrs but have not moved on to divorce and closure. Living alone in a huge 3 story house that I should be selling. I fear being like my mother and living in a high rise and smoking her self to death with no hobbies, yet I feel paralized to make any of these changes. I keep the house in pretty good shape and I love my dogs. I have a fenced in back yard for them and if I lived somewhere without that I would not be able to walk them (physically) on a regular basis.

As far as I can seen into the future is tomorrow. I have counseling and an MRI to see if I have Multiple Sclerosis. I make these lists to do for me-like a yoga class, easy reading on the porch, journaling, etc. I just cant seem to maintain anything. I start and dont follow through. I use to be almost obsessed and finishing a project and at daily structure. Now I leave things unfinished and live with no structure.

I wonder about my unconscious. If you dont try anything-you cant fail. If you dont spend time with people-you cant be abused or rejected. If your only goal is to get past level 47 on candy crush on facebook, life is pretty easy. The thing is, I am content doing this. Yet I know that it is not healthy. After the ptsd symptoms began, I decided to be easy on myself and allow myself to be like this for awhile. (I rarely watched tv before and never played games). Now I am like a child. If someone came into my house they would think they were dealing with a kid on summer break. LOL

Today I will vacuum, change sheets, and spend an hour outside weeding and stuff. I will do it too. My reward is retreating to my bed where I do nothing. I think the core of my thoughts is that I am just passing time til passing on and know that is bad thinking. It is as if nothing makes a difference. I use to be busy 24/7 doing a good job raising kids. Then I added going back to school and juggling 22 hours to save money on tuition. Then on to get my masters. Seems that all of that makes no difference. I dont use my education and my kids are not very nice to me.

Saffy you are right. You are at a point in your life that it is time for YOU. That is how it should be. A time to get to experience new things and the freedom from caring from others. That is what I imagined at this point in life. I applaud you for seeking out and actually doing-you deserve it and much happiness.

 

[saffy]

Hi Brat,

I do some of those things put have no passion to follow through like I use to . Its hard to explain.

Does it feel that they are not important anymore? Or that there is no point?

I exercised daily but seem to exchange that for smoking more

Why? does it cause anxiety?

I have trouble remembering and retaining what I read (I use to love to read).

My memory is terrible now. But I just accept that and read things over again if I have too. No problem I have time. It would not stop me from reading something I found interesting or wanted to learn from. I just had to re read it if necessary untill it made sense or settled in my mind. I thought why give up totally when I still can, even if it is not perfect, so what. Don;'t give up your pleasures, hun :)

I think has a bigger impact on what happens during this time

Your hormones must have been going haywire and you must have been very emotional. That is hard. I am sorry to hear this. :hug:

I think my fear of moving in any direction

Do you have an idea of what direction yet? There are a lot of paths out there, you cannot go down all of them but you can choose one at a time and consider it properly. Sometimes it ends up the wrong path, maybe because it was not compatible to you at that time, you were not ready for it or they were not ready for you. That is human choice.

At the moment I think you just have to find your path instead of following others along theirs. :)

closure.

That sounds like what you want. Living amongst such reminders and focusing on someone who has moved on keeps you stagnating.

Living alone in a huge 3 story house that I should be selling.

Sounds like you are really in a rut. What are your surrounding like. What can you see outside everyday, what can you hear, what can you smell?

I keep the house in pretty good shape and I love my dogs.

are stuck in a rut. I know it is hard to focus on positives after a trauma because everything changes. What was important is now not. What were your priorities change quickly. Your confidence in yourself and others has been scarred. Your self esteem has been stripped by selfish abusers who allowed their behaviour to cause harm to others.

like a yoga class

This is very good for mind body and soul but I think it works better if you really understood the concepts of it. Do some research about it and the purpose and why it has worked for thousands of years to help people become whole and attain self worth. Is that not what we all want. That way we can all believe we have our own value and are worthy because of what we can offer others. And that does not include money or possessions. :)

Now I leave things unfinished and live with no structure.

If they are unfinished they were not that important, so forget them. What is important for you now? :)

If you dont try anything-you cant fail. If you dont spend time with people-you cant be abused or rejected.

What things are they? what do you think you will fail at? People are funny things, they all have issues and ways of hiding them. Some abuse to get what they want and some leave when they do not get what they want, but doesn't that say more about them as a person than you?

If a person you have shown nothing but respect and care for treats you like crap or abuses this situation that is reflection of them as a person. You can tell these type of people by watching how they are with others. How they treat others. If they treat them like it they will treat you the same so avoid. Learning to keep yourself safe helps if you know what you like and don't like and can assert your own needs as well as consider theirs. IF your own needs are not met or you feel that you are unhappy or not sure about the person. Walk away. Not everyone is like that thankfully. But even if they are your happiness or unhappiness should not be in the hands of others. :)

Now I am like a child.

Innocent, naive, unsure, unconfident?

Time to start from the beginning and find yourself. :)

My reward is retreating to my bed where I do nothing

That surprises me. Why do you water your flowers and tend your garden? :) Is it peaceful when you are watching them grow and feed?

I dont use my education and my kids are not very nice to me.

Why did you get your masters? Personal progression or conditioning and approval? . I wanted to learn and apply myself doing something I enjoyed. I cannot pursue it for lots of reasons. That is fine. I still know I did it.

I am sorry that your kids show little respect for you as a person. Maybe something you could work on? How would you like to be treated? :)

I applaud you for seeking out and actually doing-you deserve it and much happiness.

Brat, it took time, patience and strength to improve myself so that I could be stronger and more confident. This way I would be less anxious and more able to look after my own needs. But I always remembered there was love in me and I can give myself some of that too. No one else could take that away. :)

But I had to find what I wanted and needed first and that was strange. Putting myself first for a change. Thinking of something I wanted to do without judgement or obstacles in the way. Considering my needs and listening to my feelings and emotions without having to consider others. I had to learn I was important too. And so are Your Brat :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[mamachick]

Thank you for the response saffy, it really makes me think. I think that I stopped doing many things because there seems to be no point. I have concluded that I have nothing good to bring to the table either.

I do read some things and read them again and again. Reading an entire book sounds overwhelming though. It took me a long time to realize just how difficult it was after the head injury. I love bookstores and I bet I have 30 books that I have not opened, bought with good intent.

My anxiety is so high on a daily basis, sometimes I know why and sometimes have no clue. At times it controls me, where I go or mostly dont go, what I do.

In 1990 after the birth of my last child I was very sick. They considered MS but concluded it was chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. I also had 2 herniated discs with stenosis. I was only 31. It was a long road to recovery. I really believe that dealing with being and adult child of an alcoholic helped me tremendously. I even came to forgive my first husband who raped and beat me. I had 2 small children and was determined to recover. I changed diet, exercised, drank tons of water, quit smoking, reduced stress level, counseling, self help books, etc. I did recover. When I got to the point that my health was stable for a few years and my kids were thriving, I wanted something for myself-that was my education. I didnt do it for the degree, I did it because I needed the masters to do the job that I did, and it was the only job that I could imagine myself doing. It was congruent with my authentic self.

While my husband was a good father and provider, he has no motivation outside of work. He would care for the kids with instruction, but is quite emotionally unavailable. I guess that is what I needed to get through those years. But as I got healthier, physically and mentally, more distance was between us. He really never supported anything I did-but he did tolerate. I chose the seperation but he insisted the kids and I stay in the house. I think the kids resented me for this. They were teenage girls, one very mean and the other her follower. There were many challenges but I remained strong, finished my masters, took a new job and was moving on when I had an accident. I was in denial about the effects of the accident, but my kids said it changed me and it did. The back of my head rickoched off a concrete floor several times, (I cried when I saw the video 2 yrs later at a deposition). That effects causes frontal lobe damage and is related to impulse control. So I had to re-learn the effects, and was trying to relearn being assertive without insulting people.

I have a bad case of the "what ifs". Everytime I think about a change-the what ifs play over and over in by brain. If I take a step in the wrong direction, life can be worse. I know that because I have dated a couple of people that brought trouble to me. So I guess the "what ifs" are related to not trusting myself, my own choices and decisions and being outsmarted by those with average intellegence.

Wow you nailed it on the head "innocent, naive, unsure, unconfident" Thats ME.

Why do I care for my garden, I guess because I can without failing and yes I enjoy watching them grow and putting the food on the table. I think that part of me does this because if I did not, it would mean that I have totally given up. I am still giving life, even if its just a tomato and pepper. When things are really good, I cook and freeze for winter months, when I am at my worst.

I have 3 daughters and much of the time one of them are not talking to me. It is always because of something that I could not do for them. They expect me to be the servant that I have been in the past. I use to cry when they shut me out. One shut me out a month ago and I am finding relief. I miss her. She also drains me at the moment. None of the 3 of them speak with each other, even the 2 that are 18 months apart. So I am not sure there is anything to work on except myself and not being caught in a triangulation with their father.

It is your last paragraph that is wise and that I will try to remember. Putting myself first.....Even though youngest is 23.....still dont know this. They have brought me back grandchildren to raise and puppies.LOL Since my assault, which resulted in my saying NO, I have been afraid to say no. I need to practice this in order to put myself first. It is good sound advice. Maybe this is a phase that I need to go through.