Are feelings wrong sometimes?

[piratelady]

I was reading a different post in the Supporters area and it brought up a lot of strong feelings, or beliefs (I'm not really sure which) that I think aren't right, but at the same time I just can't wrap my head around it either. I didn't want to take over his thread and it wasn't really the point of his post so... here I am.

Essentially, what was said - or the advice that was given is that it's ok to get angry or feel hurt. And you're not bad or wrong for feeling that way. Where I struggle is if your feelings or actions are a hindrance to those around you, doesn't that make them wrong? Like when my mother visited, I felt extreme anger towards her. I'm starting to understand why I feel that way, I feel like I wasn't loved growing up and I'm angry with her for not protecting me. That stuff is from many many years ago. It doesn't matter now. So I just bottle up those feelings because they're wrong, they're invalid.

My husband has nothing to do with this, he isn't a part of it. So I don't tell him what's going on in my head of what I'm feeling. I don't want to burden him and add to his stress (also mentioned in the other post). Is this wrong? I mean, if he is already dealing with his own stressors, who am I to add to it to upset him? If he knew what happened to me when I was young, well, what I think happened, it would cause him so much pain - for something he can't fix. Is that really fair to him?

I guess I don't understand the whole concept. What I feel is wrong if someone hasn't done something to warrant what I feel towards them. But then what am I supposed to do with those feelings? Expressing that anger towards the person when they don't deserve it isn't fair. I just bottle it up and then deal with it in an unhealthy way. I know I shouldn't but really, what alternative is there?

Sorry if I'm not being clear, it just kind of got to the heart of something I've been struggling to understand for a long time. I was hoping someone else could help me understand it better. Hopefully.

 

[Mach123]

Maybe I know and I was thinking about it today? For me my unpleasant thoughts towards others seem to be rooted in my unpleasant feelings about me. I think I'm always directing my anger and shame and guilt at people around me who don't deserve those feelings from me. It looks like something they did. Or something about them that's wrong somehow. It's subtle and difficult for me to grasp.

 

[piratelady]

I think I understand what you’re saying, but correct me if I’m wrong- so like in my case I’m angry at my mother for not protecting me. Shes not the one that hurt me though. I could be misdirecting my Shane about what I did towards her. Or am I still not understanding this at all?

I don’t understand why it’s such s difficult concept for me to grasp.

 

[MyWillow]

I think I understand what you’re saying, but correct me if I’m wrong- so like in my case I’m a...

I've been working through this a bit lately. I think there's a couple of aspects....firstly placing the blame with the perpetrator because often those who are passive and fail to protect us are really under the thumb or have their own difficulties. And secondly I think it's ok to feel the anger but how you deal with it is another issue...e.g. writing everything down and burning it afterwards. At the end of the day anger is such an all encompassing self-destructing emotion that it's not a helpful one for US. Does that make sense?

 

[Mach123]

I think I understand what you’re saying, but correct me if I’m wrong- so like in my case I’m a...

Yes. I don't know how you are doing it exactly but in the end it only hurts you. Or me, this is how I see what I do. You asked originally can I have these feelings or is it ok and the answer is yes, if you want to continue to suffer. If I can't forgive me for what happened or stop feeling guilt or shame then I'll find a home for it somewhere. It'll manifest as some negative thing directed at someone or something else. That was why you said "I shouldn't feel like that it makes no sense." It makes no sense because the negative feeling is actually about you and coming from you. So if I feel better about me this stuff about everyone else dies down? I hope I'm explaining it it seems not to be like that when you say it. It is though. I remember when I was reading "the Sedona Method" he said "if you like you, you like people because you're a people, and if you don't like you, you don't like people." It's simple, it works though. A lot of it comes from the sub conscious, I think, which makes it harder to see. : )

 

[grit]

First I want to say thank you for writing this post and explaining this really well. There are beliefs and then there are feelings. Beliefs are values given to us by our parents or others in the past and we take them as part of our structure or being. Feelings are emotional activation such as anger, sad etc and yes they can be wrong many times but also obviously they can be right many times. Beliefs are stronger than feelings. Feelings come and go but beliefs are sustainable for longer periods of time until they start to really create problems for people. These have been my experience.

First and foremost, your mother hurt you whether she psychically did something or did not protect you. She hurt you. I know this because you said yourself, you are angry at her, even after all these years the anger is still here. You would not be be angry at her if she did do not something. So you feel anger (right feeling) and you have a belief that you should not be angry at her now because that was long time ago. both of this cannot be the truth. You cannot be angry and yet belief you should not be (because you are already). My feeling is (and where I related to you) that this dissonance is what causes us pain in our trauma. We want to hold both and they are impossible so as you said, you "bottled" up one of them - the anger. You were bottling it up so much that you are again, still angry so in fact, you are not bottling it up; you only saying this to yourself but it is not real really. bottling up is a belief you have but just that a belief. It does not work really.

That was mouthful! Hope it makes sense.

Basically, your belief from your family is that "your" feelings are not real. as an adult you are still doing that even with your husband but your adult brain is making different excuses than your parents made. now you are saying, I do not want to tell my husband because that is a burden (a belief from the past) BUT yet you are still angry so even though you are telling yourself and your husband this is my story and my anger, he has to deal with you and be around you carrying this, so in fact, it is impacting him too in very subtle ways. Maybe your parents taught you to hide your feelings, because they also did not want to be burden by them, so you are repeating that in your marriage. It is your belief, your husband should not know about your past or that is a burden or that he may not be able to carry it. These are all beliefs. You simply do not know what he is capable of. Only he knows that. and also your protecting him is interesting because you were not protected. I am throwing that one for good measure for you to ponder.

I am making a lot of generalization by going what you wrote so please excuse me. There is only so much love, hate, anger one can carry. Every ounce you carry for anger, you are shortening something else so the more you carry anger toward your mother and hiding it from your husband, guess who is getting the short stick of something he did not do? Another way to ponder. not right or wrong, just another vantage point.

Someone said do writing. I think that may help you determine a) what is a feeling. b) what is a belief. c) what is the truth when two conflicting things are present both cannot be digested easily. d) when you feel the feeling now but you know it is from the past, do you acknowledge it as such or do you confuse it with today's feeling (it is good to distinguish this for one you know you are reliving an experience and for another you know this is a fresh and normal reaction to a situation here and now e) when you notice a belief from the past, do you challenge it or do you say well this is the way I am or this is the way my parents raise me and if the latter - think about it for more f) what do you do about the anger?

Bottling up any feeling makes it stronger and actually stays in our soft issues. A psychiatrist (not that I believe them often) told me one time, anger makes people have big stomach because it is stored in the solar plexus. So you must for your own health, learn how to release or cope anger.

There are many ways of releasing anger (and also learning if it is indeed anger...sometimes anger can be hiding sadness or loss or grief or helplessness or hopelessness etc). One of the coping mechanism for anger is to feel it and acknowledge it and let it come out of the soft issues to the muscle issues and then to the skin and feel it all the way until it leaves the body. You may get tinkle feeling all the way from the head to the toe nails. This is doable but takes time to learn it. You have to hold on the anger...no making movements or thinking or shutting or reacting. Just holding it and intentionally taking it from the belly (that butterfly feeling or whatever you feel) and let it come to the top and all the way out. The more you do this the easier it and more automatic it becomes. the beauty is you are feeling it and acknowledging it. The acknowledgement process must differentiate anger from the past and from let us your husband forgetting something very important. They do not carry the same weight.

For longer processes of anger, you can use art or horror and gruesome writings to express. You can write stories about disturbing things again to express. you can do physical activities. All these have intention to process the anger. Use your non-dominant hand to write if you are not feeling anger right now.

you can replace anger with compassion and empathy for your childhood and innocence that are lost. this may create grief or loss feeling which is probably hiding under the anger but you do same thing you do to release anger. Contain and feel it until it is gone out of your body.

Depending the relationship you have with your mother, maybe as an adult, you can have more compassion that she was just as trapped as you were in the past (you know the story so use your adult take on it).

The good belief you have is no one has the right to express or act out their anger against others violently in physical or verbal way (doing that will keep you alone, unhappy, isolated and maybe in jail) but unfortunately anger can be expressed in subtle ways that are more dangerous and that is wrong too. If we all bottled up, we are all becoming either sick or passive aggressive or some other ailment.

"Essentially, what was said - or the advice that was given is that it's ok to get angry or feel hurt. And you're not bad or wrong for feeling that way. Where I struggle is if your feelings or actions are a hindrance to those around you, doesn't that make them wrong?"
I just want to conclude that the above quote is a serious belief system from your parents.
Every feeling you have is valid and you have the right to feel it and it is not hindrance to those around you. You are angry at your mother and you are around your mother and while you carry that anger, you are around your husband and there is no hindrance. You are doing it already just like everybody else but your belief is opposite, again dissonance to the reality you are living. What will be hindrance is if you take the anger from your mother and hurled it at your husband or even hurled it at your mother today. I mean the first will create serious issues for your marriage and the latter will just repeat the past.

What you do with your anger without shaming it to the background is one step toward healing.

thank you so much for writing this. I have had similar fake beliefs for so long myself and I realized I no longer wanted to keep up the beliefs of people who abused me. It made no sense but I know it is not easy cut. It takes time.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, it is very helpful and brings up a lot of feelings, I think.

If I can't forgive me for what happened or stop feeling guilt or shame then I'll find a home for it somewhere. It'll manifest as some negative thing directed at someone or something else.

I think this makes sense to me. I think it also shows I have a lot of work to deal with the underlying feelings I have. I need to think more on what you said though because I think what you're saying and what I'm understanding are very different, but I can't quite wrap my mind around it. More thinking I guess.

Grit, thank you for taking the time to reply, a lot of what you said resonates a lot and is also more I need to think about. I think a lot of what you said makes perfect sense for me.

bottling up is a belief you have but just that a belief. It does not work really.

Basically, your belief from your family is that "your" feelings are not real.

Growing up, if I expressed any emotions other than happiness I was made to stop. If I cried, I was told to "dry it up" etc. I think that belief is still with me that any emotions I feel that seem negative I try to deny.

it is impacting him too in very subtle ways.

This I know to be true and haven't been able to find the best way to deal with it. I was going to try to tell him more of what I'm going through, but I got scared. So, instead I tried to pretend the feelings aren't there until they overwhelm me.

Maybe your parents taught you to hide your feelings, because they also did not want to be burden by them, so you are repeating that in your marriage.

sometimes anger can be hiding sadness or loss or grief or helplessness or hopelessness etc)

My mom did. Looking back, she never expressed many of her feelings either. I used to show mine but was scolded or shamed for them. I've learned to hide them very well. Honestly, now I don't even know what I'm feeling most of the time. I may not be angry at her, I don't really know to be honest.

Contain and feel it until it is gone out of your body.

Every feeling you have is valid and you have the right to feel it and it is not hindrance to those around you

This scares me and even reading it makes my heart race. I've never allowed myself to really feel my emotions. When I got older and they overwhelmed me I eventually turned to cutting, which I think was a way to dissociate them away. This is something I think I need to work on for sure. Even the thought that they are valid and ok or the idea of feeling them and letting them be. It's such a foreign concept.

I'll need to think of a lot of this more. Thank you again for taking the time to write all of this. It is very helpful.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess I don't understand the whole concept. What I feel is wrong if someone hasn't done something to warrant what I feel towards them. But then what am I supposed to do with those feelings? Expressing that anger towards the person when they don't deserve it isn't fair. I just bottle it up and then deal with it in an unhealthy way. I know I shouldn't but really, what alternative is there?

I'm no authority on this @piratelady , but the more complex the explanations the more I get lost. :(

I can only say, being on the receiving end of other's anger is horrible, so yes I also try not to do that to others. Having at one point in my life 'raged' (and being ashamed of that), I also try to guard against it.

I actually think people would appreciate your not directing un-warranted anger at them.

That being said, yes you feel what you feel. And feelings include thoughts. So you work on those thoughts, to come to a point you can live with them. Unless the other party that had a role is willing to, the only thoughts you can work on is your own, they do not want or are not willing or can not discuss it with you.

I think respect means you are treated with value of your feelings, and safety to express them.

Growing up, if I expressed any emotions other than happiness I was made to stop. If I cried, I was told to "dry it up" etc. I think that belief is still with me that any emotions I feel that seem negative I try to deny.

I was rewarded for the same. ^^ To this day, expressing something negative leaves me feeling ashamed; trying to deny or minimize after the fact, to lie, or simply because it all feels so 'bad' cut the connection entirely (then I don't have to deal with it- including my shame for saying anything).

You can't do that with your H- or you shouldn't. But neither should there be that fear to be honest and open about how you feel or why. Sometimes saying how you feel and why is enough to reduce it much- if there is feedback; if there is safety; if there is respect.

This I know to be true and haven't been able to find the best way to deal with it. I was going to try to tell him more of what I'm going through, but I got scared. So, instead I tried to pretend the feelings aren't there until they overwhelm me.

Even if he felt badly it probably wouldn't remain, whereas it remains that way for yourself. It might make him feel better, if he were blaming himself about what he can't put a finger on in your actions together (putting onus on himself).

I don't really have any other thoughts about it, except to say regulation, communication, and hope you have safety. Best wishes. :hug:

 

[lovak]

Ive been on a 'rational binge' for five years where everything I did or said was rational, to my own believes.
Now I know I was being obsessivly controlling, planning and punctual.
I didnt make room for feelings, if something happened I told myself that I should just find a solution, and if there wasnt one there was no point to feeling shit.
It worked for a long time till I collapsed under my own high expectations. Now I cant keep in my feelings. Feelings are irrational, therefore can be 'wrong'
But I think we should be allowed to feel them anyway, as long as you dont direct them to someone that didnt do anything wrong, including yourself.

I dont know if im making any sense because im in the waiting room of the doctor and totally freaking out from being so alert and the damn adrenaline everytime I leave my house. BREATHE

 

[ILoveLife]

What an awesome thread full of great insights. I don't have much to add, just want to follow it and say you guys rock :)

Ive been on a 'rational binge' for five years where everything I did or said was rational, to my own believes.
Now I know I was being obsessivly controlling, planning and punctual.

Same here. Thanks for pointing it out.

 

[MyWillow]

And me.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you for your insight Junebug.

being on the receiving end of other's anger is horrible, so yes I also try not to do that to others.

I am that way as well. I remember so well what it is like to be on the receiving end that I go to great lengths not to do that to others. Sometimes I go maybe a little too far in that I let myself get walked over or hurt to protect someone else. It's a hard balance for me to find.

So you work on those thoughts, to come to a point you can live with them.

This is something that I don't know how to do on my own, or haven't figured out yet. When I try to tackle this I just wind up ruminating and then getting myself all worked up.

Sometimes saying how you feel and why is enough to reduce it much- if there is feedback; if there is safety; if there is respect.

I will have to try to remember this. It's not something I'm good at or that I ever do really. The thought of telling someone what I'm feeling is terrifying to me. I just never really know how they'll respond or what they will do with that information.