Relationship Are Habitual Breakups As A Means Of Isolation Common?

[PetuniaPusher]

No kidding. Seriously? I met another woman from a local support group and SHE has ptsd, too.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

The world needs more people like you. We've become a society where if something isn't easy, you g...

Thank you for saying that. I'm trying to lead by example. The ONLY person who understand what I am going through, is my mother, because she is right there in the thick of it with us. I take care of her, so she doesn't have to live in a nursing home. Oh! And let me point out here that it frustrates the snot out of me that people...strike that...my therapist says it's okay to take care of my mother, give up my career, my money, my independence to take care of her because she gave birth to me, but it's not okay to help my boyfriend. I think I'm going to be firing her soon...and seeking out someone in the VA who understands PTSD.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you for saying that. I'm trying to lead by example. The ONLY person who understand what I...

I think it's good to seek out people who understand. I can possibly see your therapists point, as it's good to take care of ourselves and some people who "give up everything" are actually co-dependent------but I really don't get that sense from you as you seem to really be aware of what's happening in regards to your life choices and being a supporter of someone with PTSD. Sometimes i think therapists take a one size fits all approach and that oftentimes doesn't work. :hug:

 

[JT80]

I'm wondering how many sufferers label their isolation periods as "break ups". I know that for my S/O he does it every time, and it drives me batty. There are times he's done it for a day, a couple days, weeks, and a month....at different times.

:stop:

I've been with my s/o for almost two years and there has not once been a time when she has gone into an isolation period where she hasn't stated that we need to be friends and break up within the moments beforehand; only to return and resume contact with me as my partner a few days later (it has never been more than a week of isolation so far). I have told her many times that it drives me just as batty as you've mentioned and she has told me that she knows it does... but when she's back in that moment it's the first thing she says to me all over again. In fact, I copped these exact text messages only just today before she went into isolation.

The only difference is that when she isolates, she does not resume contact and I am not the type of person that will continue trying to contact anyone (PTSD or otherwise) if they don't want to be contacted.

This time, he's trying to convince me that "he means it this time" and "I can not change his perspective about our relationship this time".

Yep, I got that from my s/o today also. It took me by surprise actually because she has only ever said that she "means it this time" once before.

The "breaks" and isolation honestly don't bother me that much. I mean, he has been deployed for months and months on end and that doesn't bother me either. I'm actually fine on my own. But I hate the thought of his being gone permanent. He's my best friend. For some reason, if the label of "ex" were real, for some reason I let myself think I didn't do enough or that I was pathetic for still being here for him to get better in a couple of weeks.

I get this. I have my friends and family tell me, "How can you handle her just randomly disappearing on you without losing your mind? You are a more patient and understanding person than what I could ever be!" But, honestly, it doesn't bother me... but that makes me feel abnormal that it doesn't at the same time. Like, should I be bothered and worried? The thing that does bother me is what gets said in the moments before she isolates, just as you have stated. Because this has happened over and over again, I find I've become rather desensitized to it which pushes the reality of what could happen "this time" further away from thought. While I'm aware that she may very well tell me she's done and walk away for good and it definitely feels like that it is really happening every time she says it... 100% of the time she has said it, she has resumed contact again. So when every other time has always had the same outcome, how else am I meant to take it?... if you get me.

If she did tell me that we are over and I never heard from her again, I would absolutely tell myself that I didn't do enough or give enough support and that I was to blame somehow. But I also understand that it's not me that is dealing with PTSD, but her, and it's not my issue, but hers. If I broke some severe relationship rule and she broke up with me because of it, I would be a complete ass if I blamed it all on her PTSD just to justify it in my head. But if I know whole-heartedly that I have done nothing wrong that would warrant a sudden breakup, then it's nothing I've done personally but something she's dealing and not coping with. It doesn't make it any easier, nor does it rationalize the reasons as to why it happens like it does, but it's just the way that it goes and we as supporters can't control it.

Even when we started dating, we were exclusive, but he wouldn't say we were in a "relationship" for almost 6 months. It took him almost that long to tell me he loved me, because "too many people use that word to manipulate".

You just took another page out of my book. If I mentioned the word "relationship" within about the first 6 months of my relationship, boy would I cop some serious backlash! The first time my s/o told me she loved me was on our 1 year anniversary and has said it again it maybe only about two other times since then.

I face this all of the time, everyone telling me to leave, because it isn't "easy". Because I "do to much". Because sometimes he hurts me. But they don't see what I see, because they only want to see the drama. They aren't around for the loving version of him.

I guess I'm old fashioned. I believe in fighting for something to believe in, someone I believe in. I believe hard work pays off...and that sometimes, dealing with PTSD is hard work. There are a million other cliche's that are applicable, but I'll spare everyone.

I learned that lesson quite quickly that people in your life, whether it be friends, family, acquaintances that will only ever look at your relationship from the outside will always be very opinionated as to why you need to walk away. I got so sick of hearing people put my s/o down and making them out to be a terrible person that I know she is not. So I just flat out refused to say anything more than, "She's ok and doing good" if they asked how things were. It was still rather early in the relationship and before I started researching into things. I discovered that I actually really did need to talk to someone and it was harming me to try to deal through things on my own and that's what pushed me into action and how I came about this forum :)

But, yeah, I still don't divulge too much to anyone besides one really super understanding and non-judgemental friend. But nobody really needs to know the ins and outs of your personal life anyway, so it's easy to just give a, "Yep, she's good" when asked.

Also, to answer your question, labels and stereotypes are one of my biggest pet hates. Society tells us that we are only "normal" if we have a labelled identity that can be easily recognized and referred to, but they can stick that in their pipe and smoke it as far as I'm concerned. Be your own identity, I say, and respect me enough to be my own without having to conform to what society says is "normal" :tup:

 

[NaeNae75]

:stop:

I've been with my s/o for almost two years and there has not once been a time when she has gone i...

Oh boy! How odd is it when you can read someone's story and it feels like reading your own. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, I know how unsettling it can be. This round has been especially hard. Part of the reason is because our dynamics have changed a little, and there are "new" stressors, so that isn't surprising.

Thank you very much for posting. It is somewhat comforting to know I'm not alone. I suppose it's because I don't think I'm stupid for dealing with all of this, and the only way people can understand, is if they have experienced it. I appreciate your candor, it is comforting.

I also relate so much to zero family/friend support. I also don't tell anyone anything. It makes it so hard to find any comfort from anyone...I hate feeling like I have to keep my life a "secret". I'm a very open person, so that goes very much against my nature.

You sound very much like me. Thank you for giving me a little faith this afternoon! I'm always willing to listen to. I've been doing this 6.5 years now. I don't have it perfected, but we usually do pretty well.

 

[JT80]

I still remember how strange I felt, but excited I became when I stumbled across this forum. I lingered about for a while and just spent hours at a time reading through threads and I was completely amazed at just how similar the majority of the stories I was reading were with my own situation. Even down to exact wording in things that have been said. As unique as each situation is, there are also so many similarities that really opened my eyes and helped me feel that I'm not alone in this and people out there do understand.

Being isolated from is definitely a very hard and unsettling thing to deal with, but the way I see it is that what I go through during the days that I have no contact with her is nothing in comparison to what she constantly deals with every day. Her fight is a lot worse than mine and she needs to heal every now and then... which is cool with me. All I can do is trust that she is ok and is concentrating on herself as much as I know I am ok and concentrating on myself for a few days. I try to remain positive and hope that it all works out... as you can probably tell hehe.

I'm generally not a very open person and it takes a while for me to open up about anything let alone my personal life. But being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is entirely its own ball game. I met my s/o after she was diagnosed, so how she is now is all I've ever known her to be. She explained what was going on right from the get go and said that she "has these weird breakdowns". Me, not understanding a thing about PTSD, just brushed it off and was like, "It's ok. I can deal". Then suddenly she was having these "weird breakdowns" (which was the explosion before an isolation period) and I instantly knew PTSD was far more severe than what I comprehended it to be. I copped so much abuse and hurtful words, I shattered and fell to pieces, I held on to everything that she said to me and took it all personally. But when I realized that holding onto it all was causing my own health to spiral, that's when I knew I needed to research and find someone to talk to.

I have only been doing this for 19 months as of yet, but hopefully my partner and I will still be around battling this together and can say it's been a 6.5 year battle but we're still giving it all we've got :smug:

 

[NaeNae75]

I still remember how strange I felt, but excited I became when I stumbled across this forum. I lingered ab...

Awww... :hug: for you! To be fair, I also have PTSD...I've been in therapy for about 18 years. I was also raised in a PTSD household. My dad suffers PTSD as well from his experiences in Vietnam.

So, for what it's worth, I grew up with crazy...so to speak.

 

[Buttercup]

Boy is this thread helping me today! Thanks everyone for sharing.

 

[Mon15]

Yes, reading this thread has helped boost my morning and thought process! It's not easy by all means and to let go of the one you love to give them their space while they cope with the battle is the hardest thing to do. I just pray everyday that my s/o comes back around when he comes out of it (usually does, but sometimes you just never know).

 

[dulcia]

Great thread.

He has a real hard time with labels and commitment labels.

Same with mine.

he ALWAYS says "I'm leaving for real this time", "I can't do this" and "we need to break up", but never actually leaves...

And same when we argue. That's his go to. Hasn't seemed to mean it thus far, though. Doesn't seem like your means it this time, either. In reading your posts, it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Good luck to the two of you.

 

[NaeNae75]

Great thread.


Same with mine.


And same when we argue. That's his go to. Hasn't seemed to mean i...

Thanks!...and no he didn't. It took him a little longer than usual, but he and his son are living here with me at home still.

It's hard, but every time this happens, I think we both learn a little bit more on how to deal with each other and our respective PTSD issues a little better each time. For the most part we do really well with each other.

But times we aren't in the middle of a flare up we try to lay some good ground work. It isn't a full time job or anything, but when we do it helps keep us both cognizant of each other's feelings and needs.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Interesting thread. Me and my "sufferer" are now at the "I need a friend more than I need or want anything else" stage, whilst still being adamant I am the most important person in her life. For all intents and purposes our romantic relationship is considered "over", yet after I left her alone for a week, she tracked me down to see if I'd "forgotten her" and since then we've spoken daily like we always used to, shared more, it's very odd.

On the one hand I want to just be "rational" and take it as permanent, but obviously that little romantic in you hopes it's just for now and eventually she'll want to be more again.

I legitimately don't know how you all do this, you're some of the strongest people I've ever known.