Yesterday morning I took my daughter to school as usual, but she became clingy and asked me to stay. Shortly afterwards she vomited, and it was clear that I had to bring her home. The problem is just that I don’t have a car – having lost just about everything courtesy of PTSD. Every morning after getting her to school with a lift, I walk home, which takes exactly an hour, and the last third is uphill – upmountain to be factually correct, although linguistically wrong. Fortunately I had airtime (highly unusual) and got hold of a friend who could bring us home. The rest of the day I tried to work, while she was at first sick, then started feeling better and became increasingly bored and demanding.
When I put her to bed last night, she was fine. I had to make up for lost time, and so I worked till 2 am, and set the alarm for 4:30. However, she woke me up (she sleeps with me) at 3:30, saying she was nauseous. Immediately afterwards I had to deal with serious vomiting and diarrhoea in the bed (apologies for the graphic bits). When it was over I helped her clean up in the shower, and made her a bed on the sofa. I stripped the bed , put everything in the washing machine, remade the bed, made myself coffee and came to sit with her, as she asked me to. I am exhausted but I can’t sleep as I’m worried about her, and about the logistics of getting her to a doctor if this goes on – for I have three roles: breadwinner, mother and housekeeper. Now that my mothering and housekeeping roles are fulfilled for the moment, I’m in the breadwinner role, worrying about medical bills, logistics, and work. But I’m simply too tired to get work done.
And so I find myself thinking about the statement:
It's like we are super humans
‘Superhuman’ is defined as:
1. Above or beyond the human; preternatural or supernatural.
2. Beyond ordinary or normal human ability, power, or experience:
When we think of the first definition of superhuman, the statement that people with PTSD are superhuman will come across as annoyingly facetious.
I do, however, completely identify with the second definition with regard to experience. I recently re-connected with an old friend who knew me in my previous life when I was a director of a training company. I briefly explained my current circumstances, to which he said: ‘Your daily life consumes all your resources and resilience’. Indeed, it does. I battle complex trauma symptoms. I have no social, emotional or financial support. I can’t afford therapy. I am a single mother. I have neverrrrrrrrrrrr-ending financial stress. We have moved 12 times in 5 years. I’ve had to get a protection order against my only two surviving siblings. My life is beyond ordinary human experience. I honestly believe that my daily life demands something heroic. I honestly think I have earned the right to think that the superhuman is required of me in trying to live a life as close as normal as possible, and provide as much normality, joy, happiness, stability and continuity for my daughter.
But is my life beyond ordinary or normal human ability or power? No. Anyone in my situation can fight these battles as well as, or better than, I do.
However, do I want to spend the rest of my life being a ‘Sufferer’? No! And it is for this reason that I don’t get trapped in any of the general symptoms of PTSD or complex trauma. I don’t indulge myself in any way. My aim is not to learn ways or tools to help me cope, for I have bigger things in mind -
“Post-traumatic growth refers to positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances. These sets of circumstances represent significant challenges to the adaptive resources of the individual, and pose significant challenges to individuals' way of understanding the world and their place in it. Posttraumatic growth is not simply a return to baseline from a period of suffering; instead it is an experience of improvement that for some persons is deeply meaningful” (Tedeshi, R.G., & Calhoun, L.G., 2004).
Will I ever reach that? I don’t know. It might be especially difficult without therapy, and it might be difficult given the fact that my life has become a fight for survival, and I may never have the resources or resilience to rise to a higher level (think Maslow). But I won’t stop fighting, and so I might just get there. And when I do, I will be superhuman in the full sense of the definition, for PTG describes something that is ‘beyond ordinary or normal human ability, power, or experience’. And THIS is the true perk to PTSD. Given enough time, I might even tackle the ‘superhero’ part of the definition.
Thanks Ashdawn. Many a true word is spoken in jest. In this case it might be more accurate to say many a profound word is spoken in jest.
