My sufferer hasn't contacted me in 2 days. I want to text him so badly just to check in but everything I'm reading suggests that I shouldn't. I am currently through my own person issues, having my own breakdown. While I certainly wouldn't burden him with this during his current crisis, will I ever be able to go him with my problems?
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General Are Sufferers Able To Help Supporters?
- Post starter Glara
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D
Deleted member 12723
I went to my husband with my problems and he was such a source of comfort to me and he spoke wisdom in handling situations that were bothering me.
But what I got from what you wrote is that you cannot at this point.
Please take the best care of you at this time in your life and feel free to vent here.
But what I got from what you wrote is that you cannot at this point.
Please take the best care of you at this time in your life and feel free to vent here.
D
Deleted member 27181
I'm a 'sufferer' and my boyfriend comes to me with his problems. He's reluctant to and dislikes it since he considers my problems enough for me to deal with, nevermind his. But we talked about it and I know when something is wrong with him and so he tells me to put my mind at rest.
My point is, you are both individuals and both in a unique relationship. As much as you might want, we can't give you exact answers.. but, my experience is, whilst I'm going through a quiet time (i.e. not texting or talking and just being distant) he knows not to come to me with his own issues unless it's something serious (i.e. someone is hurt, he is having some form of breakdown or something similar). The same, sort of, as if he was going through something or dealing with something, I wouldn't go crying to him complaining about my night.
Even though you're in a relationship with someone suffering PTSD, they are human, you're in a normal relationship and you should try to act like it. Don't walk around on eggshells, worried about upsetting him constantly. (Obviously, you don't want to upset him but don't not go to him for help because you think it will burden him). If it burdens him, he's maybe not ready for a commitment (not my place to say, but just giving a bit of perspective).
Maybe, when he's through with his own issues right now and back to 'normal', try talking to him and try discussing this? Don't come out and say you dont want to burden him, just simply say you worry about telling him your own issues and such because you don't want to give him more to deal with. Ask him what you should do when there is something wrong. Maybe try to use your own initiative, when he is in an okay frame of mind, I'm guessing that is when you can talk to him about you and when he's going through something, it's time for him etc.
I wish you luck dealing with this. ^_^
My point is, you are both individuals and both in a unique relationship. As much as you might want, we can't give you exact answers.. but, my experience is, whilst I'm going through a quiet time (i.e. not texting or talking and just being distant) he knows not to come to me with his own issues unless it's something serious (i.e. someone is hurt, he is having some form of breakdown or something similar). The same, sort of, as if he was going through something or dealing with something, I wouldn't go crying to him complaining about my night.
Even though you're in a relationship with someone suffering PTSD, they are human, you're in a normal relationship and you should try to act like it. Don't walk around on eggshells, worried about upsetting him constantly. (Obviously, you don't want to upset him but don't not go to him for help because you think it will burden him). If it burdens him, he's maybe not ready for a commitment (not my place to say, but just giving a bit of perspective).
Maybe, when he's through with his own issues right now and back to 'normal', try talking to him and try discussing this? Don't come out and say you dont want to burden him, just simply say you worry about telling him your own issues and such because you don't want to give him more to deal with. Ask him what you should do when there is something wrong. Maybe try to use your own initiative, when he is in an okay frame of mind, I'm guessing that is when you can talk to him about you and when he's going through something, it's time for him etc.
I wish you luck dealing with this. ^_^
- Post starter
- #4
Thanks. I'm not even looking for answers, I'm just wanting for talk to him about my problems and feelings. I only found out about his PTSD about 2 weeks ago and I had no idea just how bad it could be. At his point I don't even know when we will be in touch again, let alone have a conversation. I don't know if I should be texting him anything, I feel awful not texting. I'm just so confused and hurt. And my daughter moved out of my house this week. I'm just at a loss.. .
D
Deleted member 1860
Hi,
I am a sufferer. I don't think that at this point it would be a bad thing to text him just to check in. It will show him that you care. I think that you are right in not wanting to go to him with your problems at this point though.
I don't know the full story of you and your sufferer, but a goal of a relationship should be to support one another. That is, you are able to go to him for support when you need it, and he in turn is able to come to you. If you two don't ever reach a point of mutual support, then at some point you would want to question if the relationship has a future.
I have been talking to a new guy for the last month or so, and it hurt me to hear that he doesn't come to me and talk about his problems. He is always so worried about supporting me that he doesn't feel like he can load more problems on me. However, I don't view it quite the same way, as I just want to support him, not make him feel like he has to hold everything in when he's around me.
I am a sufferer. I don't think that at this point it would be a bad thing to text him just to check in. It will show him that you care. I think that you are right in not wanting to go to him with your problems at this point though.
I don't know the full story of you and your sufferer, but a goal of a relationship should be to support one another. That is, you are able to go to him for support when you need it, and he in turn is able to come to you. If you two don't ever reach a point of mutual support, then at some point you would want to question if the relationship has a future.
I have been talking to a new guy for the last month or so, and it hurt me to hear that he doesn't come to me and talk about his problems. He is always so worried about supporting me that he doesn't feel like he can load more problems on me. However, I don't view it quite the same way, as I just want to support him, not make him feel like he has to hold everything in when he's around me.
D
Deleted member 27181
Okay Glara, I know it's hard but take a breath. Stand still and try to relax, even just for a second. If you feel awful for not texting him, text him once and just tell him you're here to talk and you're here for him. You've just found out about his PTSD, maybe you should look around and post more on this website - it might help you understand what he's going through and such. You could, possibly, text him and say "Are you okay to talk? I'm not feeling very good." or something along those lines, hopefully he'll realise you're unhappy right now with your daughter moving out and maybe he might be the type to feel better when helping other people (like my boyfriend, it helps him to help me and I'm the same).
So you can either go to a friend or talk more about it on this website and wait for your partner to be back to talking again before talking to him about it, or you can text him and explain you're not feeling good and would like to talk to him. If you chose the latter, don't blurt out all your problems before checking you're okay to do so, with him.
Like what @Solara said, it wont hurt to text him. If he isn't up for talking he'll either reply saying so or not reply, which isn't the end of the world I guess. You can then assess how you feel about that and such and if you need to, seek out the help of a friend or even a therapist if you need help dealing with his PTSD symptoms as well as your own.
My boyfriend described it to me as he's now not only dealing with his own stresses, but also mine, which is tough apparently. For me, my boyfriend supports me by helping me deal with my own stresses. So he has half of my stress, plus all of his, whilst I only have half stress.. that's weird to explain but yeah. So, don't be afraid to seek therapy, it's not just for officially diagnosed people, it is also for people who need someone to unload on and seek advice from about emotional and even relationship difficulties. And like I said, you're welcome here, to post and rant and unload on us. We're happy to listen and help.
So you can either go to a friend or talk more about it on this website and wait for your partner to be back to talking again before talking to him about it, or you can text him and explain you're not feeling good and would like to talk to him. If you chose the latter, don't blurt out all your problems before checking you're okay to do so, with him.
Like what @Solara said, it wont hurt to text him. If he isn't up for talking he'll either reply saying so or not reply, which isn't the end of the world I guess. You can then assess how you feel about that and such and if you need to, seek out the help of a friend or even a therapist if you need help dealing with his PTSD symptoms as well as your own.
My boyfriend described it to me as he's now not only dealing with his own stresses, but also mine, which is tough apparently. For me, my boyfriend supports me by helping me deal with my own stresses. So he has half of my stress, plus all of his, whilst I only have half stress.. that's weird to explain but yeah. So, don't be afraid to seek therapy, it's not just for officially diagnosed people, it is also for people who need someone to unload on and seek advice from about emotional and even relationship difficulties. And like I said, you're welcome here, to post and rant and unload on us. We're happy to listen and help.
Friday
Sponsor
It's nice to be able to pick up so some else's problems for a change, to get out of my own head/problems & a lot of the time "start away from me" is purely that I cannot even breathe one more thing about my own stuff without categorically losing it ... BUT... There are also times that there's no way on earth I'd be able to do so.
Visually, it's like either standing on a cliff or standing on a highwire.
If I'm on a cliff, helping someone else means backing away from my own edge.
But if I'm on a highwire? There's simply no way I can do anything else.
I would suggest that this would be something to work out when both of y'all are on solid ground.
Visually, it's like either standing on a cliff or standing on a highwire.
If I'm on a cliff, helping someone else means backing away from my own edge.
But if I'm on a highwire? There's simply no way I can do anything else.
I would suggest that this would be something to work out when both of y'all are on solid ground.
ISupportHer
Diamond Member
As for the thread topic. I'd say yes or no. It depends on the current situations or how things are going at the time.
I could relate two specific times that I mentioned things that I was worried about (a health crisis) and my wife ended up in the hospital the next day with thoughts of self harm. Very clearly to me a cause and effect response. Back to the cup analogy and the cup overflowing.
Now 4 years later, I could tell her the same things and it would worry her but we could talk about it.
Last night, I shared something our daughter told me via cell phone. My daughter did not call HER because she is fearful of her Mom's reaction. I got home and momentarily considered not saying much but then just shared it all. Yes, I could see it upset my wife but today I can share things like that. I would share it differently if my wife was in a different place, so to speak.
Unfortunately, I know of no easy way to learn what to say and when. No crystal ball, no mind-reading, no predicting the future. Not even always making the right choice. BUT, I think, sharing ourselves and out thoughts and fears, "models" our behavior to allow trust. It's a learning process.
I could relate two specific times that I mentioned things that I was worried about (a health crisis) and my wife ended up in the hospital the next day with thoughts of self harm. Very clearly to me a cause and effect response. Back to the cup analogy and the cup overflowing.
Now 4 years later, I could tell her the same things and it would worry her but we could talk about it.
Last night, I shared something our daughter told me via cell phone. My daughter did not call HER because she is fearful of her Mom's reaction. I got home and momentarily considered not saying much but then just shared it all. Yes, I could see it upset my wife but today I can share things like that. I would share it differently if my wife was in a different place, so to speak.
Unfortunately, I know of no easy way to learn what to say and when. No crystal ball, no mind-reading, no predicting the future. Not even always making the right choice. BUT, I think, sharing ourselves and out thoughts and fears, "models" our behavior to allow trust. It's a learning process.
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