Are There Any Combat Ptsd Sufferers Who Can Help?

[kittiekittie]

I met an ex-infantry guy 6 months ago or so, and it's been a strange friendship. I have struggled with civilian PTSD myself, so I know a little about what sorts of things I'm dealing with. I know what I need, and how I liked to be treated and what my issues/triggers are. In some ways we are kind of similar and like to make fun of each other rather than showing affection outright. Which is okay, and I think I sort of understand his limitations. I know that it is unlikely that at this point he would be able to have a healthy romantic relationship. He is medicated but not in therapy - and in large I think that is the biggest problem. He is not mean, violent, or abusive in any way, verbally or otherwise.

While I have always maintained a self deprecating sense of humor, he really hates himself. He says he is awful, he thinks he's ugly, and nothing about him is desirable. In past relationships and friendships people have tried to bolster his self esteem, and he basically doesn't get it. Usually they end up leaving him because he doesn't really open up and doesn't seem to know how to maintain non-sexual intimacy with women. In a way I almost feel like he needs to be taught how to do it again. Presently casual sex is the only way he is intimate.

He almost seems sort of mad when women like him because he doesn't think he is worthy of it. He is one of the biggest self loathers I have ever met, and I know this isn't abnormal considering what he has been through. I know I can't fix or change him, but how can I be a good ally? Unconditional positive regard doesn't seem to phase him. He responds best when I tease him and joke with him. I know most of all what he needs are good friends. He has told me that he never feels judged by me, which is a good thing.

What are the things you value in your supporter? Is just being there and listening the best I can do? What are things you want to articulate to your supporter that maybe you cannot or feel uncomfortable disclosing?

I feel like talking with others can help me get some insight into how I can help communication flow between us easier or something. I have only met a couple military men in my life, most of this stuff is pretty new to me. He suggested a couple of books for me to read, but none of them really talked about relationships or friendships. Something specific to infantry guys would be really great. I don't ask him for details of what happened while he was at war. Basically all I know has come from googling and reading on my own.

 

[nomedic1]

Just being there and listening is a start

 

[kittiekittie]

It's difficult being in a position where I cannot help more knowing how difficult things were for me. Sometimes I get frustrated with him, but I do my best to be patient and continue building trust.

 

[nomedic1]

That's the best thing at the moment amd tell him if he needs to chat you are there its a terrible place he is in, he doesn't know the world he walks in now

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He is lucky to have you in his life. I'm not a combat PTSD sufferer, but I know that most of us just want someone who is there for us and will listen.

 

[kittiekittie]

The thing that's hard is he is difficult to communicate with. For a long time I didn't know if he wanted me to leave him alone or not. It seems he is used to people just bailing on him and not having the patience. I have gotten frustrated and said I was going to - but I haven't and I won't. I am the thorn in his side haha. Making all the effort sucks, but in some ways I feel like he needs someone in his corner who can let him be himself and won't let him slink away or bail on him.

Sometimes I think our defenses play on each other and we bicker, we both have guards up. It's really strange being on the other side of PTSD! Makes me wonder if people felt like this dealing with me when I was at my worst.

I don't know, I just can't give up on the guy. He drives me nuts but I can't do it. If I ask him questions about his PTSD or related things he will tell me. Sometimes I have to pry a little, but he knows I have good intentions and has told me he does appreciate me.

I guess I just can't tell if I'm doing a good job, or if I do things I shouldn't. I have no idea. I just basically assume if he wanted me to go away he would ignore me or tell me so.

 

[BLHutch]

I am not a Combat PTSD sufferer necessarily, but some of my PTSD comes from a few instances of being shot at as a police officer. That said, I see a lot of myself in how you described your companion. I am a very self deprecating person to the extent that it drives my wife crazy. The odd thing is that I was in an occupation where confidence in yourself and your abilities were paramount to success if not survival. I never had an issue with that before PTSD. Though thankfully I am married, I'll tell you this with no reservations. If I wasn't, I would have a snowball's chance in hell of getting married. No woman would put up me the way my wife has. I have a hard time expressing emotions to the extent that I feel like a Zombie sometimes. And often, the only emotion I can feel is anger.

Anyway, I think that just letting him know that you are there if he needs or wants to talk is important. Don't press the issue. That is something that my wife struggled with at first. She would demand that I talk to her, not realizing the extent of what was wrong. She has figured that out now, thankfully. She thought that when I shut her out and wouldn't talk it was because of something she had done. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I wanted to talk to her, I just couldn't. And still even now, some days I can and some days I can't.

 

[kittiekittie]

It actually took awhile for me to figure that out. He isn't reciprocal almost at all - interactions are very one sided. Initially I took that as a hint that he wasn't interested in me at all friend or otherwise. I figured out eventually that it's just the way he is, and it's nothing to do with me as a person. I think regardless of who the person is, it's hard on the ego to basically get nothing at all from the person. It's a strange dynamic that many people just aren't used to.

The ironic thing is he is actually a police officer now. I think the circumstances are the same, women figure out that he just can't give much emotionally, they take it as disinterest or him being a jerk and they leave. Despite my own issues with PTSD I thought that at first too. Now that I know it's basically on me to do it, I have no issue with it. I try to get him to do simple things like telling me how his day was and he doesn't understand why I care to even know about it haha.

I think what I struggle with is knowing when he is not doing well, and whether or not he ever manipulates the situation to his advantage. Not to say that PTSD people intend on doing that, but he knows he makes excuses for himself sometimes and it's hard to tell what he is capable of, and when he is just flat out not trying. Do you know what I mean? I don't want that to offend anybody, but I question at times whether or not he has just gotten used to letting women make all the effort (he admits that it is usually the case) and has quit trying or wanting to work on it at all. Like thinking okay, well I don't even have to try because they will just do it all.

I guess a more reasonable way of putting it, is it's really difficult to know what kind of expectations are acceptable to have and there's not really a finite way of knowing. I feel like letting things slide too much doesn't hold him accountable and allows him to wallow too much. I think at times he doesn't understand how bad it actually is, because he's gotten used to living this way.

I keep telling him that he has the power to change his life, and I am living proof of that.