Are Triggers With Me For The Rest Of My Life? Do They Get Any Better?

[Queen Boudica]

Well, I've got triggered again last night, by another movie of course. This time it was Premonition with Sandra Bullock. She gets carted of to the mental assylum and forced down to get an injection. And I was not expecting that scene of course.

And now there I am thinking about my sister again. Because she was forced into a mental assylum. By my mother. And they forced her to take medications. So when I saw her there she looked like a zombie. Because she was one big experiment, what drug could they use on her that made her fit into some mould where she would be like a puppet for them to do what they wanted to her.

Bruises all over her legs. When I questioned the doctor why she had bruises, it was because she was throwing herself all over the floor. And I just reeled back and nearly fainted.

Well no it was not because she was harming herself. She told me after she came out of the hospital. It was the nursing staff, forcing her to take the medication. The bruises were on the inside of her legs.

And that's another thing. Now I want to set the record straight. My psychologist said, "Well she got the best treatment over the years, she saw so many specialists" something like that. Well NO SHE DIDN'T! Being admitted to that psyche ward and the abuse she received that is what finally broke her. That is what led to her not getting treatment again for years and years. Stuck in the same house with my abusive mother. That is it. The fear of what happened to her in that hospital. They diagnosed her with schizophrenia for God's sake. They were so wrong. All they cared about was pumping as much drugs into her as possible and sending her out again. That's all they cared about. And it was those drugs she used to overdose. Those drugs that were supposed to help her.

You put your trust in the medical profession and that is what happens. So be very careful who is treating you, make sure they are good, because otherwise they will mess you up and spit you out.

 

[TLight]

Lizio;

First, your picture looks so much like one from my childhood, it's eery.

Second, I think that someone with complex trauma from childhood abuse, neglect, and the effect of emotional vampirish parents, and in my case, incredably violent and mean, is very different from the trauma of others (and I'm not at all minimizing their suffering).

Throughout these past several years, my list of triggers has grown and grown the more I have come out of denial (How I could ever be in denial for so long is still amazing to me....hallucinations, decades long insomnia, fits of violent rages).
I think when you were severally abused and f*cked with at a young age things are different than someone who was somewhat 'normal' pre-PTSD, then had trauma...even long lasting trauma as an adult.

What I'm saying is that I 'get you' on the trigger thing and the will it ever go away question. For myself, I think not, but I get better at avoiding, tritrating, and dealing. People are even a trigger for me, man, woman, child, doesn't matter. It makes life very difficult and extremely lonely.

I spend a lot of down time with me myself and I. It seems it is the only time I'm able to relax....but sometimes if the nightmares and no sleep return, there is absolutely no rest. Triggers seem to build for me. If I've spent some 'close' time with a person or group of people, I find my sleep detiorating and my symptoms rushing in. The next day I have to avoid, put up some walls, and pretend I have more important things to do so I don't have to interact so closely. This is part of living my life comfortably as I can with this condition.

What occurred to your sister is horrifying. I also have a huge distrust of the white coats, from the way I've been treated with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatique....but nothing like her. I don't know what happened to you, but at least you are talking about things, giving yourself a voice, and trying to figure all this out and find a way to LIVE the best you can with this curse.

Hope.....to cope.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Thanks TLight.

So sorry about your childhood, sounds like it was pretty awful (no words adequate enough to describe, I know)

Guess I'm still getting used to the reality of these triggers. Obviously and from reading what I wrote in the last post, that last one was another biggie. Bought out a lot of anger. Not surprising, since my sister's story just I feel could have been so different if she got the right help. Always what ifs....... It really is so entangled in how I feel about myself I just can't see how it couldn't be. We were close when we were younger I was her big sister, and my roll was to look after her, but I had to look after myself, otherwise I would have ended up like her.

Understand exactly where you are going with the spending time by yourself to relax. I do need that a lot, which can be hard, with 3 kids. Luckily sleep thing is not an issue for me mostly at the moment (says she up at 1:30 am in the morning).

I'm in quite a good mood at the moment, even after all those triggers. And I'm thinking now, I do have to manage them and I think I will be able to, not all the time, think I need to get myself in a better position than I am at the moment to make that happen. That's my main task, getting myself in a position where it is easier to do all the coping stuff I need to do. Plus recognising those triggers as soon as they happen and whatever else I need to do to lessen their effect.

I know I've had triggers most of my life now, just did not recognise what they were, but I can see how I reacted to things now, I must have been triggered. Thing is, I think my life has been spiralling downwards and I did not see it happening. So at least now I know that and I know I need to work on that. Lots of stuff to manage really.

Anyway, I can see what my psychologist means. The triggers/fear are mostly not real. It is not like I am in my childhood. I'm not in that nightmare where I had absolutely no control. My childhood, it was constant there was no escape anywhere, whereever I went there was horror. And I would make plans and dream of escaping but I couldn't.

However, I do have some control now, just need to master that. Have to recognise what is real fear and what is not. And there is real fear there still, still got myself in a not very good position at the moment. And a lot of the fear is due to that. If I get myself out of that, that'll be half the battle I reckon. But that is making me scared thinking about it.

And I have rambled and rambled. Not sure it makes much sense. But your input helped TLight.