Are You A Fighter?

[Notsowild]

I've been fighting this battle with my employers for unfair treatment for over a year now. There has been verbal abuse from my manager, a bogus suspension, a hokey accommodation, bad union representation. My son thinks I should let it go mainly because of the stress on me. But I just can't let them win. Would you just give in to all their mistreatment or keep fighting?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Don't keep fighting simply because you can't let them win. At a certain point you have to just walk away with your head held high knowing you did all that you could possibly do, but the risk to your well being was so great that winning was no longer worth it.

I have so many family members who fight because its the right thing to do or they feel they must stand up for their principles, but I see them paying a far greater price than they even realize.

If it cost you your life in order to win, would that be worth it? What if you lost your quality of life? I think its important to remember that with ptsd our systems don't rebound as readily as in non ptsd people. Maybe you're already doing yourself irreparable harm?

 

[Suzetig]

I've been in dispute with my employers over being bullied by my manager - we're 18 months down the one with this now and it still drags on. I'm continuing to fight because not standing my ground would mean them putting me back under her line management and I can't have that happen. If they said there was no possibility of working for her again, I'd stop fighting tomorrow.

Whether its worth fighting on depends on the outcome you want and what you're fighting against.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah I would probably do the exact same thing. But the thing about "pick your battles" is true. If you feel that you're not getting through to them, then you probably won't tomorrow either.

Depends on what your principles are, I suppose. If your principles are that you will not tolerate their behavior, maybe it would be good to start looking towards another job, if possible, where you are respected. I'm not sure that fighting people who won't change is the answer. But if you think that they might change their attitude, then it may be worth a fight.

 

[Friday]

Nope! & Absolutely.

My best friend and I are on opposite sides of this particular fence.

She fights the good fight, and is all about bringing the damn mountain to Mohammed. I vote with my feet and go elsewhere. Meanwhile I'm the one who dives in, in the moment, runs toward the boom -or will cancel all my plans and go get on a plane with a phone call- while she calls for assistance or takes care of responsibilities in prioritized fashion.

It's 2 very different forms of fighting - conflict avoidance. Immediate action vs long haul. We're each suited to a particular kind. And we've each made the mistake of trying to walk in the other person's shoes. Nope! No bueno. It simply doesn't work. I suspect there are people who can do both. But there's a reason most cops and lawyers work in the fields they do, and not the other. Both legal. Both fighting. Very different kinds of fighting.

 

[Notsowild]

Don't keep fighting simply because you can't let them win. At a certain point you have to just walk away with your head held high knowing you did all that you could possibly do, but the risk to your well being was so great that winning was no longer worth it.

Just can't walk away. My boss has been too abusive. It's like my father all over again. I kept fighting him as a child and of course I got abused more. I ran away, I told my mother, and finally went to the police to get him stopped. I went to a great foster home but my younger sisters were still there. So I went to court and got them away from them.

And my boss thinks she can suspend me and put on my file I was violent ( just trying to get away from her yelling and accidentally bumped her) I think not. I have never been violent ever. It was all my PTSD symptoms plus her abuse colliding together. And I'm the one that's reprimanded. It infuriates me so much. Next stop - Human Rights
Yes Solara it is not great for my health. But as the saying goes - I'll die trying.

Whether its worth fighting on depends on the outcome you want and what you're fighting against.

Thanks it's nice to have a comrade in this workplace merry-go-round. Getting her fired is the outcome I want. She's been abusive to all of us. But of course it's affected me more because of my disorder. She knew in my doctors note last October I had PTSD and she chose to ignore it. She's been slapped on the hands by a few people HR and Worksafe. But she still there making it a miserable place for all of us to work. AND I still have that violent title on my file. Crappy union.

 

[Airedale 48]

Notsowild, for what it's worth I have to ask which battle are you fighting? Are you fighting the abuse you experienced then? Or do you see a positive out come coming from the fight now?
Sometimes we fight the old fight rather than realizing that todays fight might only be a fight if we allow it to be.
I grew up mostly with neglect and with a whole heck of a lot of belittling. My father owned a Judo school and the only way to get his attention was to train. So from the time I was in 6th grade until I was on the Fort Bragg Judo team I fought. I also boxed and was a paratrooper in the army. I specialized in demolitions. I HAD to be the best warrior I could be. It didn't matter how scared I was, nor what the risk of injury was.
I did all of that and the thing is. In my mind I was always a coward. Nothing could make me see that I wasn't. My dad told me I was.His friends told me I was. The fact that I was scared to get on the Judo mat, to get into a street fight, or get in the boxing ring proved it. They were right, I was a coward.
That was until my counselor helped me see that what my dad and his friends did were truly cruel.
In the mean time I felt it my job to fight every fight that came my way. I used to wonder why I left a path of destruction in my wake. While at the same time feeling like someone needed to stand up to "them"
"Them" was never the issue, "them" was rarely even looking for a fight. I was terrified and hyper reactive. I still am
. My instinct is to fight. No matter how high the anti is I'll raise ya one more. My dad and his friends humiliated and beat that into me non stop until they died.
It's taken years to realize that I don't need to fight every fight. Nor do I have to win. I can decide that peace and tranquility are far more important than strife, chaos and combat. When people say no one ever wins in a fight I always scoffed at that. It turns out to be true. The winner avoids the fight without losing dignity nor the other side losing theirs.
I am still locked in my house, I still suffer from depression and I still can react. I am slowly beginning to reframe my thoughts "wait, before I say anything, did the person mean to hurt me"? "If they did mean to hurt me is it really all that important"? Who am I fighting if I do fight? Am I fighting my dad and all of the injustice done to me as a child or do I have a legitimate issue that needs to be dealt with.
Usually ( not always) I find that when the rage is nearly there, when the adrenalin starts to pump, when the " that's it, time to fight" pops into my head. I'm not fighting what's infront of me. I'm fighting what's behind me.
I don't know if that helps. I hope so.

 

[Notsowild]

Very good post @Airedale 48
I am still fighting my father. I'm tired of being abused by everyone. I seem like any easy target ( I'm shy and quiet) but try to attack me in any way I come out fighting. Is that so bad?

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I think Airedale is right. You are still fighting some other battle except your employers have become the focus. If it wasn't them it would be someone else. I still have to be careful not to fall into the abused 12 Y/O mindset when I become stressed. The panic, the fear all comes rushing back and I have to remind myself I'm not 12 and that was then and I am in the now.

Being a fighter and resilient are great assets but it's easy to get stuck on a track that isn't easy to change. It helps me to take a step back and at least try to see the bigger picture. It might make me feel better in the short run to fight an injustice but it doesn't really matter 10 years down the road. Your employers may be real SOB's but maybe it's better to let them be SOB's to someone else. Allowing yourself to stay healthy might be the best goal.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yep, you're in a trauma reenactment. Somehow winning this current situation will let you "win" over your past in an "I'll show them!" Sort of way. In the end, why? You're putting your health on the line for what? A possible victory that in all likelihood won't give you what you want.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I've fought coz I was a fighter but to no avail , I was told I had anger problems , that's a laugh in itself!!! My company has known abt my PTSD for 15 years but because my flashbacks have been really active recently and I raised my voice coz I was provoked suddenly it's all down to my PTSD , not simply coz I was provoked, or no one listens or no one understands or I'm having a hard day just like anyone else at work who hasn't got PTSD but it's now become a massive issue. It doesn't matter that other staff lose their temper on a daily basis in fact they have raging tempers but coz I have a diagnosis it's blamed on that. In fed up with fighting coz I'm never gonna with this battle coz it will always come down to my PTSD . The stress of it has made me ill, and I'm no further on . Sadly I've learnt to let them abuse me, control me as this wat they do best they are no different to my abusers , I've fallen into the trap again but anything for an easy life. I disassociate lots of time nd let them ramble on. If you have the well being and energy nd strength to take em on at work good luck, for me personally just functioning on a daily basis with PTSD is hard enough and a fight in itself! It's at times like this I feel I've lost once again.

 

[Notsowild]

Thanks guys and girls for all your comments. But I just can't let it go. Why should she be allowed to verbally abuse me and I'm the one punished. No way. I'm fighting this all the way. I just can't be stepped all over by this witch. Yes I will only give up when I've exhausted every avenue. To stop now is like saying" Hey I have PTSD do whatever you want because I'm too scared to fight back". Sorry can't to it. But I'll keep you posted. First one more grievance with my union then on to Human Rights Trubunal. But thanks everyone I really do appreciate all your thoughtful suggestions.