Are you thinking of harming yourself?

[Glo809]

Greetings

I just watched a favorite movie, Forbidden Planet.

It has do to do with the 'ID' that is part of all of us. And how the stuff 'we' don't think about has such an impressive control of our actions or things we think of what we want to do.

Granted it is a very old sci-fi movie, but I was looking at it through my failed suicide eyes.

I still have the goal of going away, but I made the mistake of saying goodbye to a select few.

Look up the 'ID' and you will see what I'm talking about.

I will post the 'why' in another post, But my 'ID' made my life a living hell until I left home in '78'.......

G

 

[Tinyflame]

I just came back to say, I think it's helpful if a person can make the commitment/ choice to stay around. Which doesn't mean you'll always know 'how' (what steps) exactly to do it (yet), but just the choice, and take it one step at a time. At least just speaking for myself, it would help to not consider it an option, so that would be the opposite. (As opposed to entertaining the idea further.) JMHO though.

 

[Stephernovas]

I posted this because I've been having quite the mix up of the past few days. Recovery is the ugliest thing you could imagine, but it's not even that which is distressing. It's mainly other's perception of what's going on. I have a really hard time sharing. Lately I've been getting better with my therapist though, so that's a positive. I'm kind of in a place right now where I don't have goals, and truthfully don't see a reason for them. Everyone is so adamant about me doing certain things to 'feel better', when all I need is people to be kind and supportive to me. However, because I'm still currently off work, in physio and therapy, most people believe my distress is because I'm not filling my day with much and therefore I have too much time on my hands. I could see how they'd be right about this if it were before my last trauma, but now, I can't find my motivation. I haven't fully been able to move past my physical pains, and mentally I feel pretty lost. I'm not imminently suicidal, but (as I told my therapist) doing it would be pretty f*cking ideal right now. Reality is too much to handle right now. I deal with everything alone, and have to fake that I'm still 'regular people'. I'm pretty tired of it. I don't want to play society's game of 'the busier you are, the more successful you'll be'. I almost lost my life doing this once already. What do I want to do instead, you ask? Not really sure. All I know is the more I'm forced to fake that I enjoy life, the ideation increases. Not recently, but throughout my recovery there have been times I've gone as far as dragging a knife across my wrists. Nothing too crazy, but enough to cause some light abrasions. I get to this point where I feel like I need to suffer. It's weird. I haven't shared that exact story with my therapist, but I have told her my ideation has increased. LOL as I was leaving her office she kept phrasing, 'do the hobby, don't do the self-harm!'. I'd interject with thoughts and complaints about how I'm prefer the latter. She listened, but then ended up saying, 'DO THE SELF-HARM!!'. She then paused and burst out laughing how she meant to say 'DO THE HOBBY'. hahaha I mean at the end of the day I'm in a place where it doesn't really matter what people say, but I had to admit that was pretty funny.

Overall, I can't seem to find my drive right now. I am doing things for the sake of doing things. Because the things I do are supposed to be the things that keep humans alive. I'd prefer to lay on my couch/bed and never do a single thing again. My dreams are gone, desires, goals...people keep telling me to set some or do a vision board..nope. it's not working. I'd truthfully love to figure out what will motivate me again. Before the trauma I was SO driven. Now, I'm lucky if I can drag my butt out of the house on a good day. Even if I do leave, I'm stuck inside my mind and I tear every little thing apart. How everything is society and man-made and at the end of the day we're all going to die anyways...so why should I (or we) fight for life? Why do we want to stay alive so badly? There's so much trauma, pain and hurt that still could happen on top of what already has. How do you make yourself want to live and potentially experience more of that? I don't get it. Is it truly worth it?

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @Stephernovas,

I haven't fully been able to move past my physical pains, and mentally I feel pretty lost.

I have been there and understand this. Lots of times we see a person on the media who went through some kind of terrible trauma/injury and there they are doing physical therapy...learning to walk etc., skip time...and they are running a marathon and on top of the friggin world surrounded by lots of beautiful people and he/she says 'my near death experience made me want to do it...' :banghead:

Let me tell you...they are the exception. That is why they are all over the media. Not many people deal with trauma involving substantial physical and mental damage and 'bounce' back so comprehensively.

The viewer does not see the 'down' moments when they collapse mentally and physically and go through extreme depression. All of this is usually deleted/edited out or at least minimised. There is so much focus on the physical trauma...but little on the gruelling mental depression etc., that can grip and pull down even the most strongest.

I think moving past physical injury takes a huge amount of time, patience and tolerance that you are very human and you were hurt very badly and you are going to stumble many times just in the physical recovery. This then links into the mental recovery because you can be sure if something is causing you pain and disability physically....it will effect you mentally too. The body and brain do really work together not separately.

So...if your body is not physically recovered and you are in pain there is good reason you feel lost mentally.

Reality is too much to handle right now. I deal with everything alone, and have to fake that I'm still 'regular people'. I'm pretty tired of it.

I completely agree... faking it - is very tiring. I was told many times 'fake it till you make it'. Not so sure that was good advice in terms of mental health. It simply kept people ignorant of how dangerously close I was to suicide and didn't help me stop or divert an attempt.

Afterwards I had to listen to 'but you were doing just fine....' as if I was even more wrong than other's who make attempts because I was 'looking so much better'. Because I was and still am so good at appearing fine.

I deal with everything alone too @Stephernovas. I know it stinks (at times) to not have someone to share with. The good side... (at times) ...is that you can be totally authentic with yourself. You don't have to pretend or lie to yourself or anyone else. I am not sure if that is a good thing for you right now or not. But it is all that I have and it has sort of worked out ok so far. I think I would be better at times if I could divulge some of my darkest fears and concerns to someone irl who would not panic. But unfortunately I don't know anyone I trust enough to do this. I don't think I really could tolerate someone having 'expectations' of me that were unrealistic or centred around a constant 'recovery' mode. That is tiring too.

I don't know the extent of your injuries of course. Eventually someone will say...well this is as good as it gets. I could not accept this. I was certain my injuries could be wiped out and I would return to being completely free of impairment. Accepting that I was no longer as able as I was before - was one of the worst moments. Accepting I was never going to be the same again in every way ...was the worst moment of all.
Despite this I lived on. And I don't say this lightly because I have thrown away a lot and survived.

What do I want to do instead, you ask? Not really sure.

I don't know what your time-line for recovery is. It takes a lot of time and probably some hit and misses before you find this out for yourself. The thing is - nobody can make you feel better about your physical injuries and your recovery.

Have you asked yourself...if I am realistic about myself right now...what do I want...? What is that idea I had about getting around to doing one day but life got in the way and now I have this physical and mental trauma too? Can I do it now. What would it take? How do I clear away those obstacles?

I decide from time to time when depression crashes around me and suicide becomes 'an option' that I really will stop spectating in life and do something instead. And it's not always something I really want to do or enjoy doing.

I think the notion that life should always be fun is just stupid.

I think the notion that happiness is achievable every day is completely ridiculous and leads to feelings of failing at life.

And the notion that life should somehow hand a fair deal out to me or anyone ...also very wrong.

Having dispensed with those^^ notions seems to make me feel better. I guess when you take the expectations of fun, happiness and not missing out on a fair deal completely off the table then I don't feel so betrayed? I don't even know why I had those notions to begin with. They do creep back from time to time though.

but then ended up saying, 'DO THE SELF-HARM!!'. She then paused and burst out laughing how she meant to say 'DO THE HOBBY'.

Lol...I love this... Very dark but funny....:laugh::oops:

How everything is society and man-made and at the end of the day we're all going to die anyways...so why should I (or we) fight for life? Why do we want to stay alive so badly? There's so much trauma, pain and hurt that still could happen on top of what already has. How do you make yourself want to live and potentially experience more of that? I don't get it. Is it truly worth it?

I don't think anyone can answer this. It is a real philosophical question. Every answer from every person may be a little different. A little like 'what is the meaning of life'. That's different for everyone I suspect.

However this is also a very important question for you to ask and seek answers to for yourself. I've had my ah ha moments and then realised I know absolutely nothing...:wacky: I love philosophy and ethics...but I know you are talking about the nitty gritty.. and still I cannot answer this for you. But, believe it or not...you can. It is worth staying alive simply to explore this question all on it's own.

The only other comment I will make about this is....whilst the prospect of physical harm and mental trauma are present always - no matter how much we want to shy away from it or control it; in reality there is a very high probability that you will not walk over the same ground twice. So it is probably worth having a red hot go at living differently and as you want. And if that doesn't work out...you can start again. There is a huge amount of scope for variation on what makes it all worthwhile.

Why would you want to do it? Again...very philosophical... I think we are all unique, we all bring something into this world which is our's alone and I am constantly curious about what that might be for me. So that's probably my middle ground.:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

There is so much @blackemerald1 said which I agree with or have experienced, and so much value in all of it.

Afterwards I had to listen to 'but you were doing just fine....' as if I was even more wrong than other's who make attempts because I was 'looking so much better'. Because I was and still am so good at appearing fine.

I heard similar 'back then' from a person too, "You were doing so great, why are you breaking down now?" (-> maybe because all the maladaptive coping methods were no longer working.. ? :whistling::( )

Yes, this much I know: there is Much value in being authentic. It is 'You'. :hug:

You won't be the same person, post-trauma. You will get to know who you are, and it will be different. Not all bad- but different.

I came back only intending to say, I think the antithesis of suicide is being treated by others with dignity, and learning how to treat one's self with dignity. As you said:

Everyone is so adamant about me doing certain things to 'feel better', when all I need is people to be kind and supportive to me.

PS, I too think this is very funny..:)

' 'DO THE SELF-HARM!!'. She then paused and burst out laughing how she meant to say 'DO THE HOBBY'. hahaha I mean at the end of the day I'm in a place where it doesn't really matter what people say, but I had to admit that was pretty funny.'

That sounds like you'll get along just fine. :) :hug:

 

[whiteraven]

I think it's like recommending people to hospice or palliative care resources when that is not going to be an option for most; great on paper, zero use irl. And many irl know it. Not negative thinking, just clued-in to the reality of resources/ connections/ whether you would have the option. So many agree, the discussion ends, but little changes. Like saying food ends starvation.

Yes! And yes to all you said. Every bit of it.

I think the antithesis of suicide is being treated by others with dignity,

Yeah, and when it's not there, it's super hard to give yourself compassion and treat yourself with dignity, esp. when you've gone through repeated trauma all your life.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yeah, and when it's not there, it's super hard to give yourself compassion and treat yourself with dignity, esp. you've gone through repeated trauma all your life.

Totally agree with this ^^^.

Never even considered any relation to (self)-compassion? :confused:

I used to think SI was related to what (I) was experiencing in the present, especially with the burden of unwantedly re-living or re-experiencing the past... or the future- the fear, dread- hopelessness. And to some degree I believe that does markedly influence it. But it's more the consequence than the cause, makes it harder to bear without dignity. JMHO.