Asking My Therapist To Respond Like A Person...can I?

[joeylittle]

All opinions wanted. I've been struggling with this for awhile.

First: I really have a solid relationship with my T. Good boundaries, communication, honesty, rapport. The work in session is very productive.

It has been hard to tell him everything, and he has (at this point) a rough outline of my trauma but not all the specifics. We are processing it, slowly but effectively.

I finally told him that I was sad there wasn't anyone in my life I could trust with this story except he and my psych, and the nature of the relationship meant that they could not really "care", in a have-feelings-and-let-me-see-them way. That regardless of whether they were affected or not, they couldn't show me; and without anyone else to tell I'm often left not knowing how to gauge whether something is mild, medium, or severe (trauma-wise).

I think the whole thing was nothing - that is how I coped - and so, recognizing it as more than nothing is part of what I'm needing to do. He can explain that to me, but I think I'm having trouble registering some of it when he is neutral.

I know there must be transference happening somehow, as I have periodically throughout my life wished someone could know the story and empathize with some of my pain.

Anyway, his point was that it was important for him to be a "safe container" for the trauma. In a subsequent session he said he knew it was important to me that he not express revolt or disgust or shock at the events - and I realized that, while that was true at the outset, I was no longer afraid of being judged by him; instead, I would draw more benefit from him essentially modeling how I should have empathy for myself within the events. (I have nothing but negatives for myself).

Does that make sense? Or am I just looking for commiseration and should not seek it from my therapist?

This is made more difficult by my life situation. I'm alone, have many acquaintances but no one close enough to trust with this. I can't talk about it without experiencing some pretty violent physical memories and I just don't think it's safe or fair to do that in front of a non-professional who isn't really invested in me in a deeper way, like a close friend, family member, or partner.

That was long.

Thoughts?

 

[ghotiff]

Regarding your therapist....I'm sorry, I'm too new at therapy to know.

I think the whole thing was nothing - that is how I coped - and so, recognizing it as more than nothing is part of what I'm needing to do.

I totally understand this. I constantly play down what happened to me and the issues I have a result. This was always compounded by people around me. I believe now that they did this because they couldn't handle believing the world was as horrible as it was, and couldn't face the reality of how trapped I actually was and had no idea how to help me. But it doesn't matter the reasons why....it matters that it left me feeling very much alone and that that I should "suck it up" and "get over it", and "hide" it from the world.

I am very interested in other peoples opinions on your post.

 

[nursenurse]

You can't really gauge the severity if your trauma through other's reactions, and certainly not through your therapist's no matter how much you want him to react. To do so invalidates your feelings to experiences that, no matter how similar they may be to others, are uniquely yours. By the very nature of their jobs, your psych and your T have to be neutral because what is important is how you process what you feel about yourself, and by expressing emotions like disgust or shock over what you describe to them, could destroy that neutrality and reinforce the negative feelings you already have about yourself.

In the helping profession, empathy is most often expressed by acknowledging the the thoughts and feelings that you as the patient have, for instance, acknowledging your frustrations and difficulties in any given situation, " this must have been very difficult for you." " It sounds like this made you feel (name the emotion). " always with the spirit of helping you sort through those thoughts and feelings.

It sounds like, by your own admission, that you have a good working relationship with your T. You sound like you are making good progress, and I urge you to open up more, when you are ready. His job is to listen and help you direct your thoughts into self realization and positive self worth.

Keep plugging away. And of course, you could ask him about how to meet this need. Simple as that. Good luck :)

 

[joeylittle]

Thank you both.

@nursenurse , that makes a ton of sense. I think I'm just feeling very alone in all this, which is something he and I have discussed. But there isn't anything to be done about it right now. When it comes right down to it, I am alone.

I'm just wishing he could have active empathy and really - you're right. It's not productive.

I'm at a point where I'm not sure I can keep going without having some help.

I don't know where to get it from.

 

[ghotiff]

Can you be clear about the help you need. Sometimes if I can get really clear in my own mind about what I am needing then an option can become visible.

For example, I really need validation. I need to feel that what I went through was not fair and that I have issues as a result of it. Have learnt the hard way that talking to friends results in the opposite as they can't understand and I think deep down they don't actually want to. Talking to my T doesn't really work either for this need. She acts more like a mirror and my last visit left me feeling pretty average.

I have found validation here though. For example my recent thread about selling my soul for less than 50cents. It was a very exposing post for me and I felt incredibly vulnerable, but the understanding that I received was tremendous.

 

[Sarah2732]

I don't feel like I have anything relevant to contribute in terms of what is or isn't helpful or okay to ask for from your T- however, I did want to say that I have definitely had this need met in a safe way through participating in groups.

Have you thought about trying a group therapy setting? Even if you aren't ready to share your story with strangers (I don't) you can share pieces and test the waters and experience reactions from different people.

 

[joeylittle]

@Sarah2732 , thank you. I hadn't thought about looking for a group. I'm not certain I could talk about details with strangers, but I could probably do parts that I've already done a fair bit of processing on in therapy.

I went to a rape survivors group once, about 20 years ago. I felt very out of place, partially because I had done no therapy or processing, nor did anyone know what had happened to me; and partly because my story has things that aren't so much sexual assault as just assault. My therapist says I was tortured. I don't identify with that word consistently.

This doesn't mean it's more or less awful than SA, just that it's different. I am afraid I will not find anyone like me. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

@ghotiff , thank you also. That's a brilliant observation, that I need to be clear on the help I need. I think I need a supporter. Support. Emotional support. Another human being I can feel these sad, scared, disgusted feelings in front of. I wish my therapist did touch. He doesn't. It's the one thing I'd change about his practice. A hand to hold would make a big difference in my life.

I am pretty sure a dog could give me a great deal, but I'm not in a living situation where I can have one.

Validation - or reflection - would help too. Part of me knows it was awful. But I'm not that good at sharing. I'm still carrying both a deep belief that I will be called a liar (something they reinforced strongly) and that I will be punished for talking or writing about it (while the threats were so extreme as to be nearly impossible, and the time with him and them was over 20 years ago, I still struggle with this fear).

My T will tell me what happened: I was kidnapped and tortured: physically, sexually, and psychologically. But I have a very, very hard time accepting that. And when on occasion I do accept those words, I just sob. Being alone for that, even when I'm in therapy - feeling alone in that - I'm not handling it well.

Sorry, long again.

 

[Sarah2732]

I think you are really brave for identifying a need and working towards it.

You may be able to find a kind of general group. The group I settled into is really generic, just anyone working on dealing with a painful past- and that's kind of nice cause I don't have to worry about whether I fit in that groups box or not (that was hard for me, a few years ago, when trying a CSA group- not being able/willing to own my story meant feeling like I didn't belong there)

 

[BloomInWinter]

Our therapists are trying to learn what we need by what we tell them. It is not good therapy for them to react a particular way with some some people for some traumas until they are told by the patient what is ok.

Tell your therapist what is ok with you, and what would help you feel safer. Disclosure is part of learning how to ask for and receive what you need from all the people in your life. It's a sign of growth and is your right to define what is acceptable to you.

That doesn't mean your therapist can or should agree with everything, in case it violates some boundaries or ethics. But they should give you a good explanation for their response.

You're doing well to be tackling such a difficult issue. Good for you!

 

[joeylittle]

@BloomInWinter , thank you for the clarity. I don't think I've been nearly as specific with him as I could be - probably because I'm not specific in myself.

But when I break it down: he and I have already established that he cannot offer me comfort. That's for a friend to give. The fact that I don't have any doesn't change the nature of our therapeutic relationship. If I want a friend, I will have to make one. That's not what I want.

I would like his help in learning how wrong the events are. As in, because I was raped about 30 times in four days by many different men, I think of it as "just rape". I think by day 2 it was the least painful thing happening, and I didn't really even fear it. And as much as I can feel deep empathy for anyone who has been sexually assaulted - towards myself, I call it "just rape". I've had to work at that - for a long long time only the first one was rape, and I called the other times "sex".

I have no anger or outrage on my own behalf, and I think being able to see the events as cause for outrage would help me both combat the more extreme dissociations I have and give me some strength or solidity in my daily life.

But I get why he might think I'm not ready for that yet. Right now, I still can't say it all out loud - and I'd get really spooked by a big reaction one way or another from him.

But not in regards to the concept of rape. I think I'm way, way too good at normalizing it.

And so: that's what I need to tell him.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Trust your gut. You are the expert on you and you articulate yourself very well. I though my therapist was lying to me when he say I had some of the most bizarre, incomprehensible traumas he had ever seen as a therapist.

When he helped me be able to actually see my traumas from outside myself, it helped me get in tough with the feelings.

You're well on your way. Hang in there. You are doing everything right, it sounds like.

 

[NovemberStar]

IT's hard because your T isn't a 'normal person' - they don't have the role in your life of a 'normal person' - he is your T, and so he needs to be a T. Like he said, it is important he doesn't react with revulsion, or fear or other 'normal' reactions you would expect from 'normal' people. It would be very damaging to you and your healing if he did!.

It might be, you are wanting him to react with 'care' or 'like a friend' might, i.e. - offer a hug, or show some compassion in ways he isn't (namely because that would probably be professional wrong and not helpful to your work with him).

In a perfect scenario, what would he say, how would he respond to you? Would he give you a hug? Hold you while you cried? I think a key part of having our needs met is to now what they are. I know at times I really struggle with the therapeutic relationship because of its boundaries - as much as I might 'wish' my T would feel my pain with me and hug me if I were to be crying unconsolably, I also know it cannot and will not happen. That is hard to deal with emotionally - she is a kind, caring person, and yet she will keep that boundary, no matter how badly I am hurting.

I really hope you can talk to your T about how you are feeling, work with him to realize WAHT it is you want from him, and why. While it won't necessarily result in having your needs met, it will nonetheless be immensely helpful in enabling you to identify what it is you do need, and how it feels if that need is not able to be met.