Attachment to/Transference with Therapist

[Kubash16]

IMHO, dressing certain way is what is called acting out and will not help you. Actually, it will make you regress and resist treatment. And dressing up and wearing certain earings to therapy is acting out sexual/seduction (albeit) unconscious feelings.

What will help your healing is if you can ARTICULATE these awkward feelings to the therapist. You will feel so awkward, shame, and many other feelings and that is where the therapist can help you become more conscious of your unconscious way you deal with people or with men or with women you are trying to have them like you.

Imagine for a second you are not aware of this and you are always acting so seductive to everybody just so they like you, yes you will come off as histrionic (if you are not diagnosed with such) or weird and you will not make many deep connections. Adn the same thing will happen in therapy.

a therapist will most likely not tell you or ask you hey are you trying to seduce me or being sexy for me? cause that is not their job but they will notice you are acting out and will try to help you BUT the only way they can help you better is you TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO BEFORE YOU COME TO THERAPY.

if you say something like, I think of dressing certain way when coming to therapy, this will open a can of worms that are difficult for you but can start processing real things.

Also in practical sense, it is extremely important for women to know how they act unconsciously sexually and when they get the wrong attention wonder what did i do? It is a skill most women, including me, learn while travelling alone.

You are struggling because your deep sense is telling you what you are acting out is not true for you. It is a learned thing from the past.
start to talk your thoughts openly that is what therapy is for.

Thank you for your perspective. I’m not quite sure where I fall on this spectrum and here’s why: I “dress up” yes. But what I mean by that is instead of my usual of throwing on whatever is comfy (which I do still sometimes do) and looking completely frumpy and depressed. I will actually put on jeans and makeup. Not heavy makeup but more in the sense of someone who feels good about themselves and isn’t depressed. So to be honest I’m not sure whether or not that’s sexy or seductive. I definitely don’t have the mindset of wanting to seduce him. 1. He’s not my type at all anyway, 2. Way too good for me, 3. Married which is an absolute no no for me, and 4. He’s a professional and it would get him in trouble. I have zero sexual feelings towards him and zero parental feelings towards him.

 

[Kubash16]

Biting my tongue, biting my tongue :laugh:

Just say what ya need to say lol. I have no problem with absolutely everyone commenting whatever they feel and if I felt like you were policing the thread I would say something and I’m sure the admins would too. I asked in a place that everyone has access to so by all means everyone is allowed to say whatever.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Nah, ppl have told me to just smile and nod.
I'm practising.

 

[NightSky]

Yeah, plus I almost always “dress up” for my appointment, as in I redo my makeup (I have evening appointments) and wear clothes I feel presentable in and I’m definitely not trying to seduce anyone. In fact I’m married and wish my husband wasn’t attracted to me ?. I hate seduction of any kind. And my T is female and I’m straight. So it’s not always about acting out. Sometimes it’s about self respect, and wanting to put your best self forward so you can feel good about something amidst all the painful stuff. That’s what it’s about for me, anyway.

 

[Kubash16]

Yeah, plus I almost always “dress up” for my appointment, as in I redo my makeup (I have evening appointments) and wear clothes I feel presentable in and I’m definitely not trying to seduce anyone. In fact I’m married and wish my husband wasn’t attracted to me ?. I hate seduction of any kind. And my T is female and I’m straight. So it’s not always about acting out. Sometimes it’s about self respect, and wanting to put your best self forward so you can feel good about something amidst all the painful stuff. That’s what it’s about for me, anyway.

That’s where I feel I am. I’m trying to have more self respect and show that in a more outwardly sense.

 

[joeylittle]

if I felt like you were policing the thread I would say something and I’m sure the admins would too.

Since you mentioned it...

A few reminders:

(1) Threads are always open to responses by all. There is no such thing as a right - or wrong - way to respond, so long as members are exercising respect. Respect isn't about agreeing - it's often more to do with agreeing to disagree, and still more often shown by taking what is useful and ignoring the rest.

Trying to school each other on what is or is not a useful response is pointless. If you have concerns, report them to staff, and staff will intervene as is warranted. Any more posts referring to this issue, overtly or indirectly, will be deleted, and the poster banned from the thread.

(2) Content from more private areas is not to be moved into less private areas. Quoting from posts in a Trauma Diary from the Member's area is not allowed, and it's better to avoid referring to topics specific to the more-private areas of the board.

Thanks.

 

[grit]

Thank you for your perspective. I’m not quite sure where I fall on this spectrum and here’s why: I “dress up” yes. But what I mean by that is instead of my usual of throwing on whatever is comfy (which I do still sometimes do) and looking completely frumpy and depressed. I will actually put on jeans and makeup. Not heavy makeup but more in the sense of someone who feels good about themselves and isn’t depressed. So to be honest I’m not sure whether or not that’s sexy or seductive. I definitely don’t have the mindset of wanting to seduce him. 1. He’s not my type at all anyway, 2. Way too good for me, 3. Married which is an absolute no no for me, and 4. He’s a professional and it would get him in trouble. I have zero sexual feelings towards him and zero parental feelings towards him.

@Kubash16

I hope you did not get me wrong. To even have the conversation of what you wear to the therapy is good enough material for healing. Why do you need to be conscious not looking depressed? That is enough information for him to help you. Just even you are thinking about this in relation to your therapy work is the point. Hope this makes sense.

all the reasons you are not into him are not relevant because honestly most clients are not into their therapists BUT what the therapist represent for them. In this case, if feels to me (and I could be wrong) that you are at minimum trying to appear healthier than you think you are...because even wearing your pyjama, you can be still healthy. So the fact your brain power focuses to appear certain way is gold mine for therapy work. or at worse, you are trying to please him so the question is not are you trying to please your therapist BUT who are you trying to please? Who is this person in your head that you feel you must look good for him or her?

I hope you bring this conversation to him and see where it lands. He knows you better than me and can help you untangle what you are trying to say but for some reason you are not able yet.

 

[Kubash16]

@Kabush 16

I hope you did not get me wrong. To even have the conversation of what you wear to the therapy is good enough material for healing. Why do you need to be conscious not looking depressed? That is enough information for him to help you. Just even you are thinking about this in relation to your therapy work is the point. Hope this makes sense.

all the reasons you are not into him are not relevant because honestly most clients are not into their therapists BUT what the therapist represent for them. In this case, if feels to me (and I could be wrong) that you are at minimum trying to appear healthier than you think you are...because even wearing your pyjama, you can be still healthy. So the fact your brain power focuses to appear certain way is gold mine for therapy work. or at worse, you are trying to please him so the question is not are you trying to please your therapist BUT who are you trying to please? Who is this person in your head that you feel you must look good for him or her?

I hope you bring this conversation to him and see where it lands. He knows you better than me and can help you untangle what you are trying to say but for some reason you are not able yet.

I think I understand what you’re saying and there will definitely be discussion with T about everything.

I’m curious though where your line is. At what point is dressing in more than sweats something to show that you feel good that day vs trying to unconsciously seduce someone you have no desire for?

 

[grit]

I think I understand what you’re saying and there will definitely be discussion with T about everything.

I’m curious though where your line is. At what point is dressing in more than sweats something to show that you feel good that day vs trying to unconsciously seduce someone you have no desire for?

I do not know what kind of therapy you are doing but some approaches of therapy...whatever your thoughts are toward the therapist or therapy is meaningful for your healing.

also some of the trauma affects are 'wasting" brain power on trivial things that most healthy people take for granted. For example, you are thinking (let us say for this example) what to wear to your therapy, then it is worth to become aware of this and if you share this with your therapy, you will find the unconscious feelings behind this. A similar example can be always coming late to the therapy or extending the therapy time...etc.

It is not so much about what you wear, it is your associations with it in your therapy.

for example, you dress up for work but you are not spending mental efforts to ensure you look certain way every time...unless you have a meeting or something else...hope this makes sense.

I do not know your life details so I am trying not to give you triggering suggestions, if I can help.

 

[Kubash16]

Maybe this will help.

My thought process when dressing for therapy.

Ooh I didn’t have to wake up at 4 am for work so I have time to put an actual outfit together and do my hair without losing sleep.

Christmas is coming up and T got a kick out of my Halloween pants, so I’m going to put on my reindeer earrings. It felt good to have someone (anyone) notice my pants and say something nice about them when no one else did or ever does. I’m invisible to everyone else.

There are literally no thoughts of seduction. Do I like the attention? Of course and that is something I’m struggling with. FOO taught me that liking attention equals being seductive= getting molested at 7. But then T says liking attention is simply human and has nothing to do with sex. So do I feel shame about all of this? Yes. But I really think that has more to do with the frustration of wanting attention without wanting what attention gives (i.e. molestation/rape) and not knowing or trusting myself to communicate that.

I want attention and to feel good about life/myself without the sex. I want to be shown that I can be given a compliment without being expected to then “repay” the debt.

 

[grit]

Maybe this will help.

My thought process when dressing for therapy.

Ooh I didn’t have to wake up at 4 am for work so I have time to put an actual outfit together and do my hair without losing sleep.

Christmas is coming up and T got a kick out of my Halloween pants, so I’m going to put on my reindeer earrings. It felt good to have someone (anyone) notice my pants and say something nice about them when no one else did or ever does. I’m invisible to everyone else.

There are literally no thoughts of seduction. Do I like the attention? Of course and that is something I’m struggling with. FOO taught me that liking attention equals being seductive= getting molested at 7. But then T says liking attention is simply human and has nothing to do with attention. So do I feel shame about all of this? Yes. But I really think that has more to do with the frustration of wanting attention without wanting what attention gives (i.e. molestation/rape) and not knowing or trusting myself to communicate that.

I want attention and to feel good about life/myself without the sex. I want to be shown that I can be given a compliment without being expected to then “repay” the debt.

Sorry Kabush 16

I did not mean to make this as a debate or taken so literal. I have no idea what you are thinking and I believe you were not trying to seduce him (maybe that is just the wrong choice of words). and honestly, a therapist should never ever give a physical compliment to a client because there are a lot of sexual abuse in trauma and for a therapist to give a body compliment can be triggering or the wrong space in mind. I am glad this was OK for you but it is a bit unusual.

What you did is fine and maybe I took it out of context and you were using that just as an example.

Believe in your thoughts.

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t feel uncomfortable with the compliment he gave. It was very noticeable, obnoxious pants that he literally laughed out loud and said I love those pants those are so fun.

I don’t see anything untoward in that.