Attention Seeking Faker

[Ronin]

@shimmerz, you say 'my primitive self', but yanno what, nooo. Your genius self, more like.
Besides, mental death isn't less difficult than the physical. (Cough. I'm contemplating how much I'm allowed to say 'surviving physical death felt easier, it was more like whoops I'm back here/what the f*ck, too confused and focused on the basics to worry about anything else anyway').

So just yeah, basic on this: you got super creative and adapted to the situation. You did good.

 

[shimmerz]

Besides, mental death isn't less difficult than the physical.

Jeez you guys are damned good. No, and you are right, it is a completely mental death. I hadn't thought of this either. And during the death process we dissociate. And that feels unreal. Perhaps even fake.

You did good.

Some days @Kaia, I would argue with you passionately on this one. I was an idiot. If I was going to die once, why make it a thousand times?

 

[Ronin]

Of course you didn't think of that. I didn't either. People that were there had to point it out to me. (How do I make this a 'present and probably future-tense'; it's not a lesson learned and done with.)

Arguing is good, argue away: arguing people are people that are first and foremost alive, and people that are having a voice, and using that voice. Arguments as in who's right and who's wrong can wait in line, let's start with arguing *itself*. ;)

 

[scout86]

it seems like I am cycling through major truth after major truth each night

It seems like that to me too, which is one of the reasons it's hard to imagine anyone thinking you're not working hard. Truth seeking is difficult stuff!

In a sense, what I was saying too, is that it doesn't have to matter. You actually get to CHOSE what matters. (How cool it THAT?)

One might consider "catatonia" to be a tactic. Ever heard of "playing possum"? The possum, in a sense, is "faking" but it's also trying hard to stay alive. At the same time, I think chances are pretty good that it's nervous system has taken over and preempted any sort of voluntary control. I suppose that's how it works with people too, don't you? Something my T has been harping on lately. There are more "parts" of our minds that act to keep us alive than the conscious part that gets most of the credit. The other parts are not only valuable, sometimes they are superior.

"Gasping" is better than not breathing at all. LOL As far as being "cool" goes, you should have seen what happened when my T sent me an email that merely said "The tiger is gone." (It meant something to him and to me.) He was more or less telling me to chill and I panicked as a result. LOL Takes one to know one, I think. But, if you know you might as well share.

@shimmerz , you're pretty cool yourself! (If you don't mind the dogs and the cold, you can come stay at my house ANY time! :))

 

[shimmerz]

Takes one to know one, I think. But, if you know you might as well share

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

If you don't mind the dogs and the cold, you can come stay at my house ANY time!

Be careful what you say! A roof and 4 walls (that doesn't have 4 wheels) is a hot commodity for me these days! :rolleyes: And where I am at is no California!

 

[Ronin]

@scout86, I apologize for the derail, but I completely grok panic with that for a phrase. Probably a very different meaning for me but it emotionally/mother culture reading I'm like 'what the hell to send someone support of society just collapsed, just like that'. Ack differences somewhere.

So @shimmerz, nothing is 'too small', in terms of revelations. It IS big deal things. Also consider: you had to live double lives at least (the one to physically survive them and the one with what your brain did to survive them) and you're having whole another one with healing. That's being hella busy just by *being*.

 

[scout86]

@Kaia , early on, my T said that the PTSD view of reality made a lot more sense when there really WAS a saber toothed tiger behind every bush. From there, it sort of morphed into "the tiger" being a metaphor for a variety of PTSD related stuff. At the time, he was trying to get me to look at how I was reacting and to see what I was actually reacting TO. His point being I was reacting like there was "danger" when, in fact, there wasn't. When he said "The tiger is gone," I immediately rocketed off on a tangent about how the tiger is NEVER gone. If it looks like it's gone, it's hiding, At best, it went out to the kitchen to make a sandwich but it also might be on the phone, inviting its relatives over for lunch..... (I really said all that, and more.) I was actually the MOST worried about HIM, because how in the world is he going to stay ok if he thinks the tiger could be GONE??? The fact that he finds the way my mind works (or doesn't!) to be more entertaining than annoying is the main reason the relationship works. He tells me, in one way, shape, or form to "chill" at LOT. Actually, I guess he tried to set it up so that I see for myself that would be an ok and good idea.

@shimmerz , I always mean what I say. People don't always get what I mean, but I mean it, and I meant that. Totally.

 

[Ronin]

@scout86, my meaning's similar - different big cat but it was conceived as part-mythical / not fully corporeal anyway, guaranteeing justice / fairness of trials / order of society, and things I learned later about tigers specifically were '-be- that tiger and try the seemingly simple: not jumping when you feel like it' so soo yes, neither would be ever really gone, no matter what that strange animal is and /where/ it is. It's more like how much of a friend it is question and stuff.

Which brings me back to @shimmerz, second thoughts on lies: not all lies are bad. It also depends a lot what does one *do* with the lie. Lies can save lives where truth takes them.

 

[Ronin]

And once it figures out that need is past, it will rapidly (perhaps instantly) realize that they were just bare assed lying and ... everything will be much simpler.

Disagreement here (not for some rhetoric anything) - things *won't* be simpler. That long of being lied to, believing the lie, and then realizing it *was* a lie - and on how many levels - is bit of a disaster on its own. It doesn't really simplify things. It makes them more difficult for a god damned long time. Because once you question something you take for granted, the questioning then doesn't stop - especially not if you're intelligent and analytic and for getting to the truth of everything. That the process gets clarifying and enlightening and healing and helpful to life and what not, yes, it does. But it's also wrapped in tears and destruction and never being *sure*.

(I have no idea how to put this one into *words*.)

 

[shimmerz]

That the process gets clarifying and enlightening and healing and helpful to life and what not, yes, it does. But it's also wrapped in tears and destruction and never being *sure*.

You did so very eloquently. Bang on. Perhaps this is part of the catrostrophising though. All lies are freaking horrible and if you lie to me then you are hiding something. It screws me entirely around when I feel like people 'hide'things. Will work on this one.

needed to make them right at some level

Which I still do on some level. The truth of the matter is that some pieces of me simply cannot forget that I was a helpless target in a life or death game that everyone else made up the rules for.

I always mean what I say. People don't always get what I mean, but I mean it, and I meant that.

Agreed. Well put.
How does one thank another for such an incredible act of kindness? Beyond words...there is a gift in every tragedy and you, my friend, just gifted me big time. I so thank you for helping my heart feel lighter. I am blessed, thank you.....

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I don't really have helpful advice, but I want to tell you that I can imagine one would internalise it when they're called a faker and attention-seeker all the time. So I'm glad to see you know you are not like that at all.
You are very strong and working so hard to get better. I agree an attention-seeker wouldn't do that. But still, it's okay to give yourself a break sometimes. You don't need to prove to anyone that your pain is real and that you are doing everything you can to get better. We're all here for you. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

prove to anyone that your pain is real

I think in reality I am trying to prove that my pain is non-existent and I wouldn't have known that if you hadn't posted this right now. I thank you so very much. Bio dad was a sadist - so on some level I knew this even at such a young age. Unbelievable what the 'system' knows and can adjust to in order to stay alive.

Perhaps one of the keys here as well is to be able to cast of the coat of armor off and just say it. I am definitely in pain. I have no idea what to do with it, how to process it or how to fix it. Deep breath. I suppose the next step is to break the belief that I need to shut the F up about it. I can see how, with not being able to express it, I needed to internalize it as 'I am faking' because nobody, not even now (present company excluded) can even imagine how this feels. So I shut up about it. *heavy sigh* And so the cycle continues.