Attraction To Abusive People.

[Philippa]

I was told in therapy that part of the abuse is to change it up and to be kind at times. It helps keep the abused person compliant. As I reflect on the past few years, I can see a lot of similarities between my ex-husband and my brother and step-dad. Maybe it is more that we are attracted to what we are used to, to the familiarity. I really hope that I can find someone who is genuinely caring and that I can make a lot of happy memories with.

Gosh, this really rings true to me. I have had so much confusion over the years as to whether what was happening to me was really 'that bad' when there were also times when I would also have good times, and my father was kind and thoughtful of me, only to turn around be a complete asshole, and even admit to it, but still keep on being that way.

It's taken me about 20 years to come to terms with understanding that this is actually a strategy they use to keep us locked into the abuse. Dangling a carrot in front of our noses, only to snatch it away and replace it with a shit sandwhich. Then give us time to forget the last time, and start dangling another carrot, and the process repeats until we either leave for good, or start turning it around with strong boundaries, and hope they care enough to actually change...which hardly ever happens.

The last time my brother gaslighted me, he called up later to apologize and say it was "just a joke"...and the crazy thing was, I did think it was amusing at the time...or at least, I told myself that it was. But it's not. He has done nothing but be nice to me one minute and a prick to me the next for the last 20 years, and with ever escalating scenarios. I've always seemed to make excuses for him, but he's never going to change.

Funny thing is, that now I've cut them all off, I get this sense that aside from thinking I'm mean, selfish and evil...deep down they also respect me??

 

[Loner]

All the nasty manipulative disingenuous people that I have allowed into my life or continued to put up with, I did so because they filled some need or desire, in a very flawed way. Usually its something along the lines of I want to be loved aproved of cared about etc so i ignore the obvious flaws and warnings of something whos not good for me or not to be trusted because i want to believe things will be nice so badly. Its the reason I kept in contact with my family so long, because I still hoping they would change and I would get those things from them.

If you recognize your needs and desires, and the things you are seeking out people to fuflil, and work on those things, you will feel less impulse to seek things from others.

Lots of very shitty people are very good at recognizing things in others that can be manipulated, such as low self esteem, etc.

I'm not really satisfied with that explanation but its late and its the best I got right now. There are reasons someone bad is appealing, they often know how to charm an capitalize on emotinonal issues to gain trust and compliance and later fear. Ok thats a bit better.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, that's pretty much the story of my life too.

I knew I should have cut them off years ago, but I tried everything I could to change the situation, so I wouldn't have to, and hoped they would change and give me what I needed...not just be what they needed for their benefit only.

It would take too many years of constantly enforcing boundaries with them, for there to ever be a hope of them changing...and they are old now. Older people don't change.

 

[saffy]

I have a pattern of being attracted to abusive men.

Your post is just like me, you are not alone. I often end up a door matt or hurt. I crave to be accepted and loved and for someone to show interest and therefore allow myself to be manipulated over and over again.

I am scared of loosing the feelings I get if I am paid attention and shown care, even if it is not real, I just go into denial, until a switch goes on and I realise what they are doing and get rid as I then realise I have again falling back into the trap. 'This person didn't care for me', and this became obvious when I asked him to do something for me after weeks of just indulging in my feelings and pampering to his every need cos I didn't want to loose them. It was like a very short honey period then the realisation and guilt and disappointment comes up and I back away quick, luckly I suppose in that way.

However I am learning to learn from my mistakes and giving myself rules to go by.

I found this somewhere:
My 10 commandments to smart dating
1 Have bounderies
2 dont let yourself be treated as an option
3 dont let yourself be used for sex
4 only date with your self esteem in tow
5 you have to share common values with your partner
6 its imperative that you date beyond your comfort zone of 'type'
7 dont let your sexual organs make decisions for you
8 dont ever ever ever ever get involved with attached people flush
9 dont let yourself be managed via text/email ect
10 be a person of action and trust your gut

Ok some have helped so far, Ill soon be there

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Wow, what a lot of replies. I don't think I can reply to them individually.

So thankyou for the advice given here, the support and for sharing, so we know we're not alone.

 

[Britt.f7]

Meadowsweet, you are definitely not alone.

When I was married to my first husband, I went through PTSD therapy. Through it I realized that I did not have to put up with his bad behavior. I did not have to be the one who had to completely adjust.

After my divorce, I decided I was going to wait for a man that would treat me better. My mother said I was too particular and that I wouldn't find anyone.

I found my current husband with those standards. I thoroughly checked out his background before I accepted a date with him. I had major trust issues. Our first date I laid down what I expect and that if he couldn't deal with that then there was no reason to go out again. Though, shocked, he stuck with me.

I want to say everything ran smoothly, but it hasn't. Early in our marriage he told me he wasn't going to treat me badly just because it would make me "feel better". We have gone through 18 years of marriage, but there are times I still have a difficult time with being treated well.

Hang in there. Realize you are worth a healthy relationship. Part of fixing a problem is knowing you have a problem. You can go from there. I did.

 

[saffy]

Hang in there. Realize you are worth a healthy relationship. Part of fixing a problem is knowing you have a problem. You can go from there. I did.

Hanging in there is the hardest thing to do, how long shall I hang for ?
I think I am worthy, I also know I have a problem and have for years. But yet I have never had a relationship. You might find that hard to believe with two marriages but its true.

out of interest How did you meet your current hubby ? :)

best wishes
Saffy

 

[Britt.f7]

I met him through work. He was a customer. I was the one who actually asked him out, and this was one week before I moved out of state! He asked me to marry him one week after we met and a night before I left. We were married a few months later. Still married after 18 years. By the way, I knew it was a good match when I found out he was going to his second job that day and so was I. My first husband barely worked while I worked 80 hours a week.

My first husband I knew three years before I married him. Didn't last but 1 year though it was three years before we finally divorced.

It helped that I met my second husband after I had the intense inpatient ptsd/sexual abuse therapy. I was in a better place. There were a couple boyfriends in between the two husbands, but I wouldn't say they were healthy, despite my treatment.

With my second husband I wasn't expecting for it or hoping for it, maybe that helped. I was making a major life change for myself. I felt safe with him, that I could be myself, warts and all. And I was open to it. I think it is amazing how when you stop looking for something you find it.

Saffy, hanging in there doesn't have a time limit and it isn't easy. You will know when the time is. You may meet a lot of frogs along the way. You might meet a diamond in the rough. Someone who doesn't know how to deal with your ptsd but wants to learn.

I wish you the strength and openness for that.
Britt

 

[saffy]

We were married a few months later. Still married after 18 years

Thats great Britt :)

Can I ask, did it give you more confidence or 'the upper hand' erm (not sure how to put it,) knowing you made the first move?

I did this once and I did found it quite liberating and thought I could be open with him now. And at least I had my answer one way or enother eh :) However, that was a long long time ago and even then it only lasted 4 months, I ended up treating him like shit, go figure that one out, maybe I just couldn't handle being treated well, who knows. I did get my beautifull son out of it though.

I have asked a few men to join me for drinks and to see a band but even then I get no joy, even for company. These are not my normal dating types. I normally have to reasure them that it was not a date and not to worry. But like meadowsweet and a lot of others, I beleive, I do end up with frogs being the only option if I want more than company, or at least thats what I usually end up with ;)
Im 46 now and feel Im running out of time eeek

I am often called a diamond in the rough lol your comment made me laugh inside. I also have no idea whether I have PTSD as a diagnosis, I know there is something seriously wrong though. I do not tell people either.

Anyway, thanks for sharing and am very pleased to hear that you are both together still after all these years. Congratulations :)

best wishes
Saffy

 

[Britt.f7]

Thats great Britt :)

Can I ask, did it give you more confidence or 'the upper hand' erm (not sure how to put it,) knowing you made the first move?

I think I was more confident and that is why I made the first move. Also, I was leaving in a week so I felt I had nothing to lose. I think that made a huge difference.

I'm the same age as you. My father in law, when he lost his wife, around 70, started dating. I think he was a player. There is always hope. And, as I like to remind myself, you ain't dead yet. ;)

Thank you for the congratulations. This is definitely the longest relationship I ever had.
Britt

 

[saffy]

you ain't dead yet.

Very true, I can be the oldest swinger in town lol, or a cougar, I have been called that before also ;)

thanks Britt
Saffy :)

 

[Britt.f7]

You are welcomed Saffy! Go ahead and be a cougar...goodness knows plenty men are doing it!