Authenticity with re: to Feelings and Needs

[whiteraven]

LOL Someone sent me stuff to consider when putting an agenda together for our next HOA meeting (which I specifically said I didn't want to do) and told one of the other organizers she hoped she hadn't overwhelmed me. His response? "Not to worry, she is as unflappable as they come."

Meanwhile, I am over here throwing things. And I want to break something. And scream.

While I don't want to do those things in public, I also don't want to *appear* like I am not bothered by anything. I don't know how to find that line. I typically withdraw and keep it to myself or try in a very measured way (keeping it to myself is a product of my upbringing--not safe to express myself--and addressing things in a measured way is a product of my work in psych nursing) to explain why I do not want to do something or how being bombarded with stuff is overwhelming.

My go-to with this is to eventually just say I can't do it anymore. I'm trying not to do that. Because once I start with one thing, it will trickle down to everything else. And a lot of what I do is keeping me upright.

Sometimes I think a full-blown meltdown is the only way to get the help and understanding I need. You know that song by The Ban dPerry, "if I Die Young" - one of the lines is, "Funny when you're dead, how people start listenin'."

Not a truer thing ever said.

 

[Rose White]

I think you start small. Trying little things. Like maybe out at the shops. Polite and respectful but expressing feelings and needs.

And be very gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes. “Oh that didn’t go well, next time will be better.”

Also developing discernment as to who is privy to your feelings and needs. That can be a tough one.

 

[Huxley]

I guess I react in a few random ways. Just my two cents and maybe worth nothing.

It’s not a bad thing to be considered unflappable it’s rather complimentary, imo. maybe one way to get more comfortable refusing things before it gets there, is to practice saying no to tasks not because you can’t do them, but because you just want to improve your “saying no” muscle. Does that make sense? It might be easier on you if you try with things that you know you can say “oh well, fine” to if it doesn’t go as you’d like. “Oh man, I would love to, but my schedule this week is just awful and I know I wouldn’t have time.” Part of it may be being okay with them squirming a bit, and accepting that it won’t be done as well as you’d do it, but that’s okay, right?

and I don’t think you owe people an explanation why you don‘t want to do X. Ol’ Miss Manners would say it was none of their business, and employ a “It’s just not possible” and silence.

fwiw, I’d disagree with the lyrics: in my personal experiences, even then most people still don’t get it and they forget about the person almost immediately, often with a slightly censorial attitude towards the deceased. It’s sad.