I want to act safe for others, and can't be safe for others when that part takes over so I wasn't letting it out.
While this is absolutely true for some aggressive parts, it isn’t the case for all of them.
If the part is old enough to learn new ways to keep you safe? Then they can be brought back in as a legitimate and helpful part of the team.
I worked through similar issues with one of my parts. She was out in front pronto whenever she thought I was in trouble, but her way of “keeping me safe” was absolutely unacceptable behaviour (and I don’t have it in me to go into more detail right now, but safe to say you aren’t alone).
She was really difficult to work with. It was not smooth sailing. As Dr Phil would say, “It wasn’t a success-only journey” (first time ever quoting Dr Phil - I’d say it went pretty well!!). Actually it turned sour and bitter and aggressive (me aggressing against me, via multiple parts) because I wasn’t working it through with a T, I was going it alone at that point.
Because of the issue we started with - she’s not a nice person. She’s abusive.
But the abuse is a learned behaviour, and the motivation underlying it? Was in my best interest. So ultimately? We came to some kind of agreement of her
new role on the team. Because she is helpful in identifying and addressing safety issues: it’s just what constitutes ‘unsafe’ and what is acceptable response to that which needed work.
Just as a heads up? The part that I was working with? There were a number of issues that needed to be resolved kind of all together. She was the way she was because she had experienced trauma first hand. So, there’s that.
For me, my part also carried a tonne of resentment against me and my other parts. She had her job, she was good at her job, but essentially she saw herself as the one that came in to clean up everybody else’s mess, and to handle the worst of it whenever things went bad for me as an adult.
Add to that I didn’t like her? Didn’t want her on my team at all? It wasn’t easy work to do.
If you can identify things that trigger this part to become concerned or distressed and remove those triggers as far as possible? That’s incredibly helpful to reduce unwanted switching when you’re working through issues like these.
Ultimately, as hard as it was? She proved to me that she
could change and learn (why not?), and has become an invaluable part of my team. Because I know I have that bulletproof b!tch on my side, looking out for me, with much better coping skills on board now. And that’s pretty cool. Definitely worth the work.
