Back from Africa

[batgirl]

Thanks for the answer Rachael. Yes, I am feeling quite badly about the anniversary date coming up as well - tomorrow!! I've had a few more nightmares too. Please take care of yourself during this time, try to rest up. I will be thinking of you.

 

[Rachael]

Hey Moki,
Yes crying does seem to help. When I talk to my mom she allows me to cry and then I start to feel much better. Sometimes it seems as though I cant stop and thats when I start to have difficulty breathing, But, usually when It gets to that point I can calm myself down, with some newly learned breathing exercises. Thanks for the message
cheers

 

[Rachael]

Hey batgirl,
I as well will be thinking of you and your father. Have you read anything about Peacekeeping operations. I have worked with some members of the UN department of Peackeeping operations and Had the opportunity to interview a soldier. There are several books on peackeeping in Rwanda. Have you read "Shake Hands with the Devil"? It is by a Canadian General named Romeo Dallaire. He provides some excellent insight in to PTSD and what it was like for peacekeepers in Rwanda. It is quite a long read , but I thought I would mention it. The book has really helped me understand my own issues and what kind of control I have over situations,if any, when it comes to situations like Rwanda. Hope you are doing well. I am having a releasing ceremony of 13 purple balloons to commemorate the 13 years since the genocide. I will say something for the peacekeepers, as they were all victims of the human propensity for evil.
Amahoro(peace)

 

[batgirl]

Oh that must have been so interesting, working with the UN peacekeeping department and interviewing a soldier. I'm actually wanting to meet some of the soldiers my father served with. I am only just starting to learn about peacekeeping, although my father and 2 uncles have all served as UN peacekeepers. And yes I just finished reading General Dallaire's book, I had been avoiding it for a while. My father was under Dallaire's command, so it was difficult for me to read the book and imagine my father in those situations, having to deal with not being able to help the people, etc. I may be meeting Gen Dallaire (or should I say Senator) later this year. Not sure how I feel about that but my uncle thinks it would be good for me.

13 purple balloons... is it something that's done everywhere or did you make it up? Anyways it sounds very good, very fitting. Take care.

 

[reallydown]

Hello Rachael and batgirl,

This must be a tough time for you both...hang in there. I got through about half of Dallaire's book and stopped...He also gave a talk at my university recently but I chickened out and didn't go. This is also anniversary time for me (though it has nothing to do with Rwanda) so I have an idea of what it's like. Take care.

 

[batgirl]

Hope you make it through your anniversary time okay RD. This is a more minor anniversary for me, my main trauma one is in January and thankfully past for the year!

 

[Rachael]

Well all,
I made it through today. I had some help from my family and took my mind off of everthing by watching Anne of Avonlea on dvd, one of my favorites. I am some what afraid to go to sleep tonight, actually I am having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I dont know what dreams will come. I am tempted to take a Klonopin, My doctor had prescribed these for me for anxiety purposes, althought I have never been one to take medicine, I could use some sleep. I hope that Batgirl, and RD are doing ok as well. Taking each day at a time seems to help for right now. Last night I had a panic attack. I have no idea why really, I was not really even thinking about Rwanda, it just all of a sudden came over me. I was able to relax myself down though. This forum is a life saver. I am so thankful that wonderful people have posted in response and that what I am feeling after my time in Africa is ok. Happy Easter to those that are celebrating.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

I'm glad you made it through yesterday without any major triggers :)
Congratulations!!

and Happy Easter

 

[Rachael]

Hello All,
I have to give a speech on thursday about my time in Rwanda. I am amazingly nervous over this task. I know that I must do this. The event is an induction ceremony in to the honors society of international studies sholars at my University. I had never had trouble with public speaking before, however, now I am pretty nervous about doing this. I don't want to break down in front of the entire audience ans start crying. Does anyone have any advice. I thought I would get through most of it by just showing some pictures, that might put me at ease.
Another thought. I got extremely upset today when I saw a post on facebook by an american girl, who believed that all americans are stupid and do not wish to know any other language other then english. I became really angry and wrote a message back saying that I knew french, spanish, Kinyarwandan, Kinugandan, and some Swahili. Gees, my anger seems to over take me sometimes. I did however go to the mall yesturday, First time since i have been back in the states. It was quite chaotic, however i seemed to manage well, according to my therepist. I did take klonopin that day, but it seems to just keep the jitters away.
I however yelled at two young boys trying to cross the street without a light. I became overwhelmed with fear for these boys and screamed at them to cross at the light. They were on skateboards and I had a vision of their death and this car hitting them. I watched them until I saw them cross the street at the light. I do not think I would have done that post seeing all of the things I did in rwanda. I guess along with all of the fear comes an appreciation for life and little ones.
Very nervous for my speech, although I guess I should be quite please beacuse I was invited.
Hoping every one is doing well on the forum.
~Rachael

 

[anthony]

Advice? Be strong, be proud, and pull out all your self esteem and confidence within your self Rachael to deliver from your heart. Well done on doing this, and I know you will do a great job.

 

[Rachael]

Thanks Anthony! It went fairly well. I did recieve some standing ovations. Thank you for the message of encouragement.
In other news..
I had another meeting with the therepist today. He advised me against going back to Rwanda this summer, which I am pretty bummed about. I had really wanted to go back and do research for my senior thesis, but he thinks it is not such a good idea after all, in the near future anyway. I did not tell my therepist I was sexually abused by a friend. He has begun to ask more questions about my history and, I lied and said no. I think he could tell I was lieing. I dont even know why I lied. I just felt uncomfortable I guess. I think I will tell him next time as I feel really bad about that right now. Does anyone else have trouble admidting to things in sessions? Today I am feeling really emotional, I do have a female reason for this, but I feel like I am overly emotional today, Perhaps decompressing from the speech I gave. Ugg will this anxiety never end?
Hope everyone is doing well
~Rachael

 

[reallydown]

Glad you talk went well :) I can't even talk to a prof for a long time. good stuff. Not to mention...brave!!!