Back from Africa

[Rachael]

Hey All,

I have been super busy with exams and everything lately. How is everyone? I have been coping with some a new counselor whom I like very much. He is an expert here in my area on ptsd. He seems to be really understanding and the other day my mother joined us for a session. She was really very nice and understanding which I was rather surprsed about considering she is an academic type. Well she is actually a professor of chemistry.

I actually have a confession. I have not yet told my therapist about the rape that occurred when I was a freshman in college. It has been about three years since, however I still cant talk about it. I wonder should I tell him? I dont really know what to do. I feel uncomfortable about talking about it. Last time I confided in a group of young women whom had shared experiecnes I sobbed and couldnt control myself. I am looking for some advice here perhaps from another survivor of sexual abuse?

My doctor also advised me against going back to Africa this summer. I am pretty bummed about this beacuse I had won a fellowship to go back and work. I guess I will get along alright though. I am going to be working here with some organizations specializing in HIV/AIDS outreach.

I wish I could find some people my age who I could confide in. It is ever so difficult to find people my age with similar experiences in my home town. I feel like the 21 year olds I know do not care about anyone or the world around them. I guess its just that they have not seen what I have.

The other day I had a panic attack. There was a huge van in fron of my mothers car with a padlock. I become extremely aggitated thinking the van was going to open and men would appear with AK's. My therepist told me this is normal. I wish I could stop seeing these pictures in my head though.

My mom bought me the wrong shampoo the other day and I didnt notice until I was in the shower. The smell of the shampoo reminded me of the place I took a shower in Rwanda. Where people had hid from the genocidaires. The smell made me cry and become really nervous. I bought a differnt kind.

Well Hope you are all doing well and this forum is so wonderful for me to write down these thoughts.

 

[Deleted member 487]

I have always wanted to go to Egypt.

 

[maja]

Hi Rachael,

I'm rather new here and I really wanted to answer your post. First I want to say, I'm really sorry you have to deal with traumatic experiences and PTSD.
I'm much older than you (37 here) and I was raped at 16 by someone I knew. I understand it's difficult to find people of your age who could be able to understand your experience. It's also very hard to open to therapists. I went through the trauma of being raped without much help of therapists, so I'm afraid I can't give you any useful hint. Each person has its unique way to deal with trauma. Talking about or writing down the most traumatic memories can open the door of hell, but it is the only way to heal. For me, confronting this trauma, was very traumatic period of my life, but liberating experience at the same time.

I think talking about trauma has much to do with feelings of safety. You can trust your intuition how safe it is to open to someone and how far you can go. If you have an understanding therapist, maybe you can just mention that you had a bad experience, and you can decide which details and emotions you are able to talk about. It's important that your personal boundaries are respected.

I can understand your doctor advising you against going back to Africa. This is actually the reason I wanted to answer your post. Reading your posts I saw much of my experiences in it.

Being raped by someone we knew and had trust in, can really shatter our view of the world. Well, it did mine. I know my experience of abuse (many others besides rape) was the reason I tried to change the world and it was the reason for my activities in different NGOs. I think this is actually the best reason to be active and to do something. I appreciate and admire your decision to do something positive in the world. I think this is the sign of great sense of justice and lots of empathy.

I just think you shouldn't pay such a big price. You took lots of responsibility. Doctors are probably trying to protect you from further PTSD and dealing with consequences of genocide can definitely bring you additional trauma. You deserve to take care of yourself first and from the safe inner place you can change things out there.

This post wasn't meant to be so long and I hope I didn't sound insensitive. I just wanted to say that sometimes we forget that our safety, our rights and our well being are also very important. We all deserve this and we have right to expect this from our society.

Best wishes and take care,
Maja

 

[Lisa]

Hi Rachael... I wanted to reply, firstly to say hello and welcome. But also because you said that you felt people your age at 21 do not know about life and horrors of it in places, nor care about these horrors of the world.

This has been something irritating me too lately. I turned 22 in April, and I am at university too, studying Psychology. It has been particularly annoying, and isolating feeling that people my age just don't have a clue, and they don't even care, or have the interest in the world and people, and why people do the things they do. I do not know much about Rwanda, but I am interested to hear more. I find it difficult watching the news though, because I am so easily triggered. However, I am horrified and want to learn why so many commit such immoralities in the world, and I can't understand anyone who is not the same.... And even better, I'm not the only person around your age feeling the same way on this forum, so you will find some likeminded people here, for sure :)

Also, like you, I have gone back to therapy with the service at my university. He is nice and understanding too, but I found it difficult admitting that I had been through sexual abuse. I would say no more on it... I don't know if I can. But as already suggested, therapy as about creating somewhere you feel safe and comfortable talking about the most difficult things. That takes time, and that takes trust. Advice? Hm... again, I think previous advice was the best - say that you said last week no to a question, but you want him to know that there was a bad experience, but you don't feel ready yet to say any more on it. He won't push if he is decent... but that way you won't have closed a door on something and feel you can't backtrack later...

Well done on the speech, but I'm sorry that the PTSD is ripe right now. Here, you are not alone... everyone has PTSD, and you will probably be surprised by how many are so similar to how you are affected. I know I was.

See you around!

Lisa

 

[reallydown]

Sadly, I have to agree that mos t people our age (22 ish) don't seem to care about what happens around the world...although there are those who do. And some just figure they can't do anything about it so they don't. I don't know if this makes any sense...Take good care of yourselves.

 

[Rachael]

So I just started dating this guy. I guess this is my first relationship since being raped and also since returning from Africa. I tried to keep myself away from people. I feel as though I am damaged, however this man seems awesome and I really do want to start dating. My therepist says its ok and I need to take things at my own speed. Oh and another thing I am off the klonopin, Horray!! I had needed klonopin for the longest time at night beacuse of the night terrors it has been about a week now! Sometimes I still have the nightmares but as long as I can sleep and awake saying that I am in the present and not where I was three years ago or in Africa again.

steadily making progress, how is everyone?

 

[Rachael]

Maja thanks for the message. sorry about the delayed response. Your advice means so much again thank you.

 

[Rachael]

Thanks Lisa, ya therepy smerapy right, ha ha. I am working on it thanks for the advice and understanding.