Bad Therapy Session And Bad Last Few Days

[mytai]

@Britt.f7 I oddly enough do have trust in her. Not to say that she's done anything to make me question her, but for me trust doesn't come easy. It can take a very long time for me to trust someone, and I trust her already. That scares me, that I trust her this early.

It isn't anything she is or isn't doing that makes me scared to let go in therapy. It's all internal, my personal fears. The hard thing is KNOWING it is a safe place to let go, but inside being terrified of laying it all out.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Mytai, I wouldn't let my therapist call me by my first name for 6 months. I ran away about 7 times the first year. I sent him emails quitting therapy about 16 times. 16. It is so hard to learn trust when you have been abused. It has been over 2 years now and I still have issues, but not as much like before. I'm settling in and working on trauma. I feel good about my therapist most of the time now. Be kind to yourself, what you are going through is kind of normal behavior for an abused person. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[mytai]

I'm not a runner, this was a first for me. I've FELT like running before, but never done so. I'm actually really embarrassed to face her on Wednesday. Plus I haven't heard back from her since I sent that email so I'm stressing out about what that could possibly mean.

I'm trying to be kind to myself, but I'm the only person I feel comfortable beating up on. Thanks for the hugs.

 

[mytai]

@Britt.f7 @digger1 Well my T responded to the email I sent her. Not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. In the email I made the comment that I felt she was annoyed and irritated with me when we were on the phone. Her response to me was very short, that she appreciated me writing about how I feel and that she looks forward to talking about it on Wednesday.

I'm only slightly stressed right now... actually I'm very stressed. I'm not sure why though. I think it is because of the response I received but I don't know what I was expecting her to say in response to that.

Ugh... Thoughts??

 

[digger]

Have you communicated with her via email before? If so are her responses usually more in depth than this or does she prefer to just acknowledge your email and talk about the issues raised face to face?

 

[Britt.f7]

Maybe she wasn't trying to be short and didn't want anything to be misconstrued. It is better to talk in person. At least she is anticipating an appointment with you.

 

[mytai]

@digger1 I have, I frequently do communicate things to her via email. Her responses vary depending on the topic. Sometimes they are more in depth, and other times she just acknowledges that she received it.

@Britt.f7 I agree, it is better to talk in person. I'm just worried about the appointment now.

 

[digger]

Ok, if it was me I would have preferred a little more reassurance from her I think, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad response. Probably more that she appreciates you being able to say that to her and would like to talk it through face to face.

I can see why you would feel unsettled by it though and anxious, but if you can make yourself go on Wednesday I think it would be beneficial to. How are you feeling about seeing her at the moment. If it is making you very anxious you could always email again and say that you are not sure how to take her response and it's causing you concern.

It could be that she just didn't have time for a longer response.

 

[mytai]

@digger1 I always feel guilty about emailing her too much, because it takes up her time. At the moment I'm very stressed about Wednesday because I know we have a lot to talk about. The phone conversation, me running away from our appointment last week, the events that happened... I'm just very stressed going into this week knowing what needs to be discussed. Again, I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing.

It's true, it could be that was all she had time to write. But tell that to my anxious mind.

 

[digger]

But tell that to my anxious mind.

Anxiety sucks! I really hope you are able to go on Wednesday though. It is often at the sessions that I have feared going to the most that most progress has been made. Not that that has made them easy sessions, but I think this could strengthen your relationship with your T if you give her the chance to work through it with you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Do you write down what you want to talk about? I do when I have several things. I would probably ask why her email was so short, and was she indeed angry?, then go on from there. But I've worked with my T for 2 years and I feel mostly comfortable with asking him things now. We could go on and on suggesting what she could have meant but only she knows. I do think its important to bring up that the email made you more anxious. She is a professional, and should treat you with kindness and compassion.

 

[mytai]

@digger1 I will go Wednesday, I won't cancel the appointment. It's just in the mean time that I'm stressing out and anxious about it. Whether or not I can find my voice during Wednesday's session is another story entirely.

@monster1977 I haven't written down what I want to talk about in the past, maybe this time it is worth trying. I haven't done this yet because I have a tendency to cry when I'm reading what I wrote, and if you've followed some of my other posts in this thread you will know that I am very scared to cry in front of my T. I will bring it up. Please don't think that she hasn't been kind or compassionate by my posts, I'm not suggesting anything of the sort. She has been amazing with me.