Been Suffering A While Just Diagnosed.

[TroyW]

I thought what was happening was normal that everyone went through it. I used alcohol a lot as a self medication.

I just applied for healthcare through my case manager. I am currently in a hope house for trying to commit suicide. I thought drinking helped but I blacked out after heavy binges only to wake up to being kicked out, having an Exorcism performed, lost jobs, lost girl friends, my house and car. Waking up in an area I do not remember and a few other bad things. I was in 3B a few times because of failed attempts on my life.

For years this has been going on 10+ if not closer to 20. I am only 28. I have mini flashes often major ones when drinking.

Yesterday 21 days sober I had the most severe flashback I have ever had. All the pain came back physical and emotional I cried hysterically for forty minutes before finally calming down. I do not have meds right now. I learned some coping mechanisms; deep breathing, attention focusing, mind imagery and others but nothing is helping. I still have not slept nor eaten since the episode. I do not have my normal numbing mechanisms. It is very very hard. I am scared and on verge of a panic attack or a flip out. What do I do?

As I said in a hope house so no drinking or drugs.. What meds would help? I get physical and mental pain and it lasts about a week or two. I have tried benzos they help but I also have massive tremors that I can't control. For years the 3B just slapped clinically depressed and social anxiety.

After being diagnosed with PTSD I read more info on it. Almost every side effect is what I experience. I am learning skills and building a support group but when I flashback in front of people the emotional guilt I feel is severe. Is this normal? Will it get better with the right meds?

Sorry neq to the forums and just finding people who understand what I am going through helps. I have self medicated for 12 years now with weed and alcohol this whole sober thing makes my head hurt and flashbacks are bad when you can't just black them out... it has been 29 hours since my last flashback and it was the worst one in my life I am frightened by it and it keeps my brain on like a super squeeze fire type mode. Is this how it will be forever? Sobriety hurting trying to stay strong but it hurts a whole whole bunch righr now. Just maybe is there a coping mechanism none drug related that would help meditation I tried for two hours but it has a deathgrip on my brain.. just feeling lost and confused right now it hurts so much any tips?

*Feeling Ashamed and Abandoned by friends and family right now* Any tips would help a lot.

Thanks and sorry for long post.

 

[arfie]

Taking it one step at a time helps more than any medication I have tried. For my own case, professionally supervised medication does not provide any more long-term solution than the medication I used to pick up at parties.

When I first started acknowledging my flashbacks instead of trying to party them away, they seemed more intense than I could bear. I was literally reliving the repressed memories. I still believe the fastest way out was straight on through in very small, unhurried steps. I thought that small, unhurried part was gonna kill me... Still, I had begun to realize I am not very smart when I get in a hurry.

Keep stepping, Troy. Give it lots and lots of time.

 

[TroyW]

I am trying still no sleep yet going to take a nap after group

 

[EverOnly358]

I'm so sorry, @TroyW. What you're going through sounds awful! I'm so sorry everything is so bad right now. But I think it's so good that you see that drugs and alcohol aren't a cure, they just delay the inevitable. This stuff all sucks. Flashbacks suck. But the only way past is through, just like @arfie said. I find it helps to try to act as more of an observer... it's almost impossible but... you observe what you're seeing and feeling in flashbacks, you observe your feelings... while trying to stay as calm as you can (which might not be calm at all, but y'know, it gets easier over time). Breathe, breathe, breathe. Acknowledge to yourself this is all incredibly f-ing painful. But the only way past is through. Focus on the present. Focus on what's real, focus on what's around you, not just memories. Breathe. Talk here, if you can. Getting it out, even just in words on a screen, in black and white, it helps. I don't know if this advice helps at all, but hang in there. You can do this. It's horribly difficult, but you can get through.

Hang in there, everything changes,
D123

Edited to Add: I wish I knew of a specific prescription drug that might help you, but I don't. Personally, I have so many side effects when taking prescription drugs that most aren't any help to me. The ones I did take just masked my PTSD issues, and in the end made everything worse (not unlike alcohol and illegal drugs). But perhaps you can talk to a psychiatrist?

 

[TroyW]

Yes I have been talking to my dr about it he won't be in the house until Monday. Though the staff here is great but its still very hard for me. I don't like to share these things as I get over emotional about it. Not having my self medication procedures makes it much bigger than I thought... having to feel again instead of being numb sucks so bad. I find i t easier to type then to talk as one of my fixes was severe video game addiction a woeld I could escape to. I don't have that anymore either all my stuff was stolen causing my ... episode with the knife it was nov 20th that I was going to kill myself... all this anger and pain I drowned for so long and having people trying to show me how to express happiness love sadness and the whole range of emotions is different I disabled all of that about 18 years ago... I don't like it. But a day at a time.

 

[The Albatross]

Dead Link Removed can get you past the cravings for booze and protect your sobriety. Be gentle with yourself as you are in PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) - with continued sobriety your body will re-calibrate to it's normal "before booze/substance abuse" body chemistry. A lot of what is going on is due to substance abuse and binging... but not all.

I went through this myself and congratulations on your 21 days of sobriety. Numbing out with booze or weed, got you consequences. Try to keep it together and give yourself a chance to reboot - this can take from 6 months to 5 years depending on how hard you used. Been there, done that myself.

This will not be forever... this is withdrawal and an untreated condition combined. The prognosis for co-occurring behaviors, substance abuse and mental illness/injury is very low therapeutically - I know because I am one.. Try to focus on the fact that the last 12 years got you nowhere and give yourself a chance by becoming willing to do something different.

Get and stay in recovery, establish a support system... and try to continue with relaxation techniques. Ask for help when you need it and do not use.

Edited because I dropped the link to urge surfing.

First things first... and that is self care as you withdrawal from your substance of choice and I can guarantee, things get better... but it took me a while. All the stuff pushed back with the booze came crashing down for a while until became competent with some stress management techniques and stayed involved with people who knew how to deal with this stuff (recovery).

 

[EverOnly358]

It's really hard when your emotions come back after being turned off for a long time. It's confusing and awful. Been there, done that. Suicide is not an answer either. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Let the people there help you. Be patient with yourself, THIS STUFF IS HARD! It's all really difficult. You're doing great. You're trying. And I know that little things like mindfulness and meditation and that kind of thing seem too small and insignificant to help. But they actually do help. These techniques don't feel comfortable at first, but keep trying. And find out what distractions are available there. I mean... I know music helps me a lot. Reading. Exercise. Anything like that helped a little bit to keep my mind off withdrawal symptoms (this was two years ago). I made it through. You can make it through this, too.

Keep hanging in there,
D123

 

[TroyW]

At least now I have some tools in my box to use being able to have a forum full of understanding people and to have the hope house support is good. And knowing now what it is I am battling is a good thing. I went to the store with the group earlier saw all the alcohol wanted it so badninstead a couple deep breaths and a step out the door made n it better

 

[franciemarnie]

Work outs helped me when I quit drinking. So much fight or flight adrenalin! Sometimes Id work out 2 hours and then an hour later do it again. That was more in the beginning.

For me, feelings didn't emerge for three years when I quit drinking. Years later I had a different addiction. I quit that and 3 years later, the stuff came up again. That time I dealt with it. It doesn't go away unless you feel it, and process it safely.

Meetings helped me, in equal parts helping myself and also getting my mind off me. I didn't have drugs for a mind vacation so real interest in people outside myself worked.

It definitely gets so much better. If it didn't, people who quit wouldn't stay quit.

You can do this! Mindful meditation helped too - focusing on body sensations.

 

[TroyW]

I am trying after a flashback I get depression and anxiety not able to eat or sleep for a few days. I keep just wanting to cheat and numb out but know it is not going to help me. Dealing with it is better fi r me an d those around me. Just wish my family would learn about it instead of turning a blind eye to it.

 

[TroyW]

I just had another flashback it front of the group. I feel really bad it was last year I had been drinking, I meditated and then prayed asking god to know the secret book of knowledge and to remember everything. I think the wish was answered. Our brains are very tricky, we have to be careful what we wish for. I remember everything good and bad even my day of birth until now even shown creation of our galaxy and end of our universe.

The IQ test says I have an IQ of 182 I am stressed and confused right now. They want to take me from my friends and put me in 3b I don't want to go there... what should I do? I am supposed to get meds this week.

 

[cherryblossom]

@TroyW Welcome to the forum. I don't really understand - can you explain, what is 3b?