Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

Thank you @joeylittle it happened Monday. I have spoken to the police, my therapist is supoorting me and my friends too. I love my boy. He is amazing. If it wasn't for him it would have been so much worse.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm very glad to read that you are getting support and help, @Wyakin. Dogs are the best, and yours sounds like a real shining star.
Thinking of you.

 

[Wyakin]

So life has recently taken an up for me. I've moved back in with my dad. I have a new job. I'm happy.

Then on Wednesday I was driving to work, I had been bleeding heavily since 2am but I had held it back with regular towel changes and visits to the loo. Sadly I started severely haemorrhaging on the main road to work. I was forced to pull over in to a layby.

I was in contact with my amazing friend who called for an ambulance. When the paramedics arrived she spoke to them to tell them about my PTSD.

While the paramedics took me to the nearest hospital my friend (yes the amazing one) was driving up to collect my dog from the back of my now abandoned car. Fortunately another paramedic was called to sit with it my vehicle and keep an eye on my dog until she arrived.

I was rushed to A&E majors where I was asked multiple questions about life the universe and everything. My friend arrived and supported me through out the day. My absolute rod.

Since that day she has visited me in hospital as well. I have now been in hospital for 5 days. Yesterday I got very down and very lonely. She supported me through it.

Sadly my needy side has taken over though. We are normally in contact most of the time outside of work. This afternoon though she disappeared for a few hours. Normally I'd be fine with this but my
Self esteem and emotions are all over the place. I sent a few messages to see if she might be there but for no reply.

When she came back she apologised for being gone so long as she hadn't realised how long she had been away. I told her not to worry and that I am just a bother.

I was hurt and lonely. I shouldn't have said that because she then got upset with me and rightly so. She told me she can't be everywhere at once and she can't deal with letting me down.

I tried to say it wasn't her fault but I think after my emotional outburst before it was too much.

She's gone now. Told me she can't keep letting me down. I tried to tell her she doesn't and she should just ignore me as I am overly sensitive due to being in hospital.

So now I am truly alone and even more miserable so I thought I would lament my stupidity here.

 

[Wyakin]

She's going to pick me up from the hospital tomorrow if I can come home. It's more than I deserve. I should just disappear. Everyone would be happy without me.

 

[Wyakin]

I lay on my side. Appreciative of the peace in the dark. The door is blocked shut. I hate it in here but at the same time at least when here I'm not being hurt. The darkness is too much for me but for once he hasn't blocked the light under the door. I'm thankful for that. I can get some air and hear the voices beyond.

I've made a mistake as always. This time was making eye contact with one of his friends. His rage was all consuming as he put me in here but at least he limited his blows due to his audience. I'll have to make it up to him later.

For now I lay here and listen. The floor is hard and cold. The day before we had such a great day. He laughed and joked. We cuddled but then his Dad came home drunk and angry. L put me out of the house for my own safety. I saw his bruises earlier from his Dad's drunken state. He hates when he knows I have seen them.

The evening passes and the friend I caught eyes with asks about me. L opens the door. I'm afraid to move. He tells me to get up. I come out. He points to a chair. No words needed I go and sit down. For another hour or so I watch TV with him and his friends. Unable to relax. Then they go.

Now is the time. They are gone. He stands up. I know if I don't follow I will be in trouble again. Slowly I climb the stairs behind him. We walk in to his room. He grabs me and pushes me face down on the bed. He strips his own clothes off before pulling mine down. I daren't move. If I see his bruises again I will be in more trouble.

He gets himself ready. Then grabs my hair, yanking my head back he forces his way in. I know better than to make a noise at the pain. One hand on my hair the other on my shoulder. He repeatedly shoves his way in back and forth. I can feel myself bleeding where he tears me. Eventually he releases my hair in favour of both hands on my shoulder.

I bury my face in the bed to stifle my cries and tears as he begins to climax. Harder until he is done. He finishes pulls out and stands up. He wipes himself off. Walks round me and gets in to bed with his back turned. That is my cue to go home.

I stagger to the bathroom, clean myself up and walk home although every step hurts. At least I came away with only a few bruises tonight.

 

[The Albatross]

Is this your present or your past?

 

[Saint Nik]

Normal brain wants help, Normal brain will ask if it can get past distrustful, nervous, hyper-vigilant Broken brain to do so but for now Broken brain has all the power.

I resonate so much. I feel your words almost daily!!! Written straight to the point! :tup::hug:

 

[Wyakin]

Sorry for not replying @The Albatross It is my last but I have been too unwell in my head to put it there. I have hidden my struggle from those around me these last few weeks but my physical health has been bad which has meant a slide in my mental health to.

 

[The Albatross]

No worries, and know what you mean about when physical health is poor, that happens to me too at times. Hope you feel well soon!