Behind Enemy Lines

[Shoshin]

I am having a really hard time, and I feel like a whiner for even saying so. This is hard.

I am only five sessions into therapy for PTSD, and starting my fifth week of Lamictal and Celexa. After the worst hypomanic/depressive cycle I have ever experienced, I've been diganosed with Bipolar II and PTSD, both of which seem to have shaped me since I was a small child. PTSD is not from any single event but I have a list of traumas of several types that seem to be the culprits.

My problem right now is that I am resisting. I am digging in. I feel like I am behind enemy lines, and must maintain a very tight, impermeable perimeter. I have pushed away my wife and my best friends, relocating myself to the country to house-sit. I am alone, even though I go to work each day and deal with dozens of people, handling stressful situations, interacting, providing leadership and problem-solving cheerfully. I have lots of masking, coping, self-preservation strategies developed over my 40 years.

After work each night this week, I've gone straight to the pub for a couple pints and some smokes before heading "home". It is nice to be around people without having to really connect with them, and I am careful not to overindulge.

I recently wrote out a code by which I have chosen to live, and it involves letting others see only my best--honor, duty, effort...but privately I have vowed to keep what is private to myself, to never take anything as a given, to be fit and alert to threats, to mindfully create and maintain my perimeter, to not make promises I cannot keep, to refrain from letting emotional attachment to words, ideas, objects or other people to dictate my well-being...no desire, no attachment.

I am in conflict with myself, but I feel better having made these rules, having isolated myself, having closed down.

I guess I am sharing this here because I am anonymous and you are the only people who can relate, and it feels good to "say" it out loud.

 

[ruddy]

I tried digging and isolating myself in a similar matter to what you described. Somewhere along the line I figured out that I was really trying to hide from myself and my past. It didn't work and in the long run I think it only made things worse.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Shoshin, This might work for you now, but when it starts to lose it's effect please come in here and share so everyone can help/advise or just listen to you.

I can't speak in absolutes, but I do think what your doing will not work for very long. I tried that for awhile and had a nervous breakdown.

There has to be "balance" in everyone's life style. When you shut things out an imbalance occurs and then you start to feel uneasy.

I'm glad you felt well enough to share your story on how your coping. At least you acknowledge that there is a problem.

Take care of yourself and I hope things work out for you
Tammy

 

[TDurden1937]

Hey Shoshin - Good advice above. You might want to read some Jung if you like psychology. Shutting out the dark side, or the shadow really only leads to a rebound when all that stuff you're putting in a box, or stuffin' in a box comes bursting out in a totally unexpected way . . . such as drinkin' too much, having an affair, burst of anger at a co-worker . . . doesn't sound like you does it. But that's the deal, according to Jung, when we repress and deny a side of us ultimately, it owns us and watches for the chance to explode in a usually nasty way. Just a warning so ya might be watching for that bursting out . . . don't want ya to go to jail, or botch up your marraige or something like that, eh mate.

 

[ruddy]

I'd like to add to what was said above. I didn't realize it at the time but I think I was putting so much energy into "hiding" that it just sucked the life out of me. I felt tired, exhausted most of the time. In spite of that it was difficult to consider changing because I thought those dysfunctional coping mechanisms I was using were "working". I know now that they were just dragging me down further.

 

[Lisa]

Hi Shoshin.

Hm. I will say some thoughts that came to me as I read you're post. One was that it sounds terribly lonely?

What you wrote about your code actually impressed me. What sheer determination and self-reliance. Those are qualities in you. But those qualities are being misplaced right now... you are walling off from the world. Nobody can 'see' you.

I'm not sure why I ask this but, are you trying to be perfect? Jsut because you seem overly harsh on yourself. Are you denying yourself support and help? Denying yourself to live in the world, and only to live alone?

That may feel safer, and easier to control (or perhaps the only thing you can control). I get a sense that you either don't know what else to do, or are too afraid to; most likely the latter, I think. That's okay. It's okay to be scared.

But it's not okay to give up and stop trying to overcome your fears. That's not fair on yourself.

How about you set yourself a little challenge every day, something that changes this battery of walls you are building around yourself. Small, big, whatever... but how about you step outside of your code once a day and see what happens? Think of it as an experiment if you can, or if that helps?

 

[Shoshin]

Thank you for the responses.

Here is what I have heard, and how I have thought about it:

Ruddy: ...Somewhere along the line I figured out that I was really trying to hide from myself and my past...
​

Yes, I think I am trying to hide from my potential self, I guess because I am afraid of the unknown and what it might take to change. I don't know whether I can do it, or whether I deserve it, or something. But I do know solitude, self-reliance and self-protection...It seems like control, I suppose, even though intellectually I know it is costly. But I feel stuck, at war with myself...

Seeking Nirvana: ...There has to be "balance" in everyone's life style. When you shut things out an imbalance occurs and then you start to feel uneasy...
​

It's funny, I was raised Catholic, but I have been a Buddhist for twenty years now, and I felt like Buddhism was helping me precisely because it promotes a "middle way" between extremes, a way of being in the world without being controlled by it, but I am coming to recognize that my thought patterns are not balanced, and are instead characterized by all-or-nothing thinking, hypervigilance and unhealthy detachment. It is hard to let go of strategies that have protected me for 40 years...

TDurden1937: Shutting out the dark side, or the shadow really only leads to a rebound. . . such as drinkin' too much, having an affair, burst of anger at a co-worker . . . when we repress and deny a side of us ultimately, it owns us and watches for the chance to explode in a usually nasty way.. . . don't want ya to go to jail, or botch up your marraige or something like that, eh mate.
​

It's like you have been watching me...I have been drinking and smoking too much, I have been angry with friends, and my marriage is in trouble right now...the only thing that is solid is work, which I devote all my energy to, out of a sense of duty and honor...

Lisa: What sheer determination and self-reliance. Those are qualities in you… but are you trying to be perfect?...you seem overly harsh on yourself. Are you denying yourself support and help? Denying yourself to live in the world, and only to live alone? …That may feel safer, and easier to control (or perhaps the only thing you can control). I get a sense that you either don't know what else to do, or are too afraid to; most likely the latter, I think. That's okay. It's okay to be scared.
​

Lisa, I am determined and self-reliant. I spite of, or because of, the depression and PTSD that have affected me since childhood, I was always an A student, I have been successful and recognized for excellence in my profession...I recently lost thirty pounds through sheer determination...I am strong-willed, I guess, and that has been a double-edged sword. I am unreasonably hard on myself, and also feel that the world is so far from my control that I control what I can...myself...but not very well lately.

I have appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist this coming week, and the ideas you all have made me think about will be helpful in my conversations with them. I guess I am running from myself, and even more so from the seemingly tenuous and chaotic effects on my sense of security and control when I try really connecting with others.

Maybe I do need to adjust my code, but I am afraid...I refuse to be a victim again.

 

[ruddy]

Shoshin,

I'm going to share this because the code and coping strategies you describe sound so similar to my own. I'm not sure if this will make any sense but here goes.

This is an excerpt (analogy) I wrote for a therapy appointment a while back.

I lowered the security settings on my firewall to improve functionality. A virus broke through and infected my hard drive. Some of my files are corupt and my firewall doesn't function in the same manner. I need to repair/replace the files and integrate an antivirus program to work with the new security settings.
​

In other words, dealing with the trauma enabled me to be less protective in other aspects of my life. I felt relieved and frightened at the same time. I'm still unsure of myself at times but I've learned that it is possible to allow other people into my life and shield myself from harm at the same time. I've written a new code that isn't as rigid and I've learned new coping strategies.

 

[Shoshin]

Virus/Firewall Analogy

Ruddy,

Though I am not an IT/tech guy, I do work a fair amount with computers in my profession, and your analogy makes a lot of sense to me. I guess it feels like in December my whole system crashed, so now I am trying to boot back up, and it is taking me a while to sort through the files to know what is infected or corrupted, etc.

Still, I have a hunch you can identify with me when I say that while I understand your analogy intellectually, it is very hard to synthesize emotionally.

I guess the good news at this point is that I seem to have evolved from a state of "It's me against the world, so f*@k 'em all" to more of a state of "I am on an incredibly difficult journey...at night...in the woods...alone...but there may be light ahead if I am patient and try to be open to it."

I really appreciate your taking the time to respond so thoughtfully.